A revelation of grace;……, in a
very different way!
A child was
asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
This brought
tears of laughter to my eyes.
I wonder how often
we take for granted that children (and adults) understand
what we are teaching???
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the
beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but
God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy
God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God
said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
He split the
Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they
weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve
disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they
were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they
were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had
a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all
of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next
important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his
kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and
put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other
people to join him, but they said they would have to take a
rain check.
After
Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his
brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in
exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph
who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another
important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from
the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's
people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no
cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every
day
with
manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These
include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's
stuff.
Oh, yeah, I
just thought of one more: Humor thy
father and thy mother.
One of Moses'
best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to
use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell
over on the town.
After Joshua
came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot.. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives
and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that
doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon
there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of
these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on
the shore.
There were also
some minor league prophets, but I guess
we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old
Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The
New. He was born in Bethlehem
in a barn. (I wish I had
been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to
me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say,
'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His
life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees
and the Democrats.
Jesus also had
twelve opossums.
The worst one
was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible
vegetable after him.
Jesus was a
great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to
some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those
guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot
didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands
instead.
Anyways, Jesus
died for our sins, then came back to life again. He
went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.
His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
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