Grief After Miscarriage, Inquiries Into the Absolute, Digest 396
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Feb 19, 2013, 11:24:04 PM2/19/13
to Inquiries Into the Absolute
Digest 396, February 16th, 2013. Answers by His Holiness Romapada
Swami Maharaja
You are invited to send your questions to His Holiness Romapada Swami
at ma...@iita.info with the word "Question" included in the subject
line or submit your question at http://www.romapadaswami.com/?q=feedback/Question.
Grief After Miscarriage
```````````````````````
778) I have recently experienced a miscarriage in my 11th week of
pregnancy. Though my husband and I are coming to terms with the fact
that maybe this was not the right time for the soul to manifest and
though we are trying our best to take shelter in the scriptures, it
has not been easy. I have many questions that seem unanswered and I
feel extremely helpless and fallen as chanting the holy name also
appears tasteless to me. My husband and I feel guilty that I did not
take some external hormones that were prescribed to me during my
pregnancy, as we wanted to keep the pregnancy as natural and free from
medicines as possible. We feel guilty now that maybe it was because I
did not take those tablets that the soul in my womb is no longer
there? It was not willful negligence but the pain and the guilt
refuses to go away. What can we do?
Ans:For a transcendentalist who is fixed in transcendental knowledge,
the impermanent is not their focus. Abundant teachings are within
scripture to teach us this lesson over and over again.
Until that stage is reached, however, there is no doubt about it –
grief is a harrowing process, no matter from what angle you approach
it.
Even though grief is universal, the way we each feel and deal with
grief is unique to every individual.
As you must have noted from your own experience, grief is both an
emotion and is also a process.
As you wrote, you have been blessed with faith in Guru, Krsna and
scripture. This is your greatest asset! Now, in these challenging
times, try to see Krsna as your well-wishing friend.
Understanding that there is life after death, and coming to learn to
accept the Lord's infinite grace, His indiscernible higher plan, and
His tender mercies in all forms, can also be a great source of
strength to deal with your loss. Understand that Krsna is the
controller and we are His servants, and we serve as He wants us to
serve.
Does this make your grief any easier then? Absolutely not. While there
is a spiritual process that must be taken, unless one is a very rare
soul one cannot spiritually bypass grief.
{While the remainder of my reply is specifically in response to your
grief after miscarriage, many sections apply to any other "grief" one
may have, for example - loss of a child; dealing with the reality of
an inability to have children; loss of a spouse, father, mother,
significant friend, etc. Intensities vary from person to person. You
find this reply useful in dealing with other forms of grief, both
within yourself or when assisting others.>
At some points the pain even seems like it will never let up and that
it is going to pierce you and torment you forever. But with time,
Krsna's love, the help of spiritual master/counselors/close friends
and family, bringing to light what is in the subconscious to the
conscious realm, the aching eventually subsides. It never seems to
completely go away, which is fine as well; to really reconcile is to
eventually give it a small place in your life. The fact is that a
piece of the parents also "die" with the loss of their child.
Acknowledge this.
Learning to process and accept your loss is probably one of the first
steps you will go through when experiencing grief. It will help you to
be able to express your raw feelings to a close friend or family
member, but only if they are able to sincerely listen and validate
your feelings without offering too much advice on how to just move on.
And if you are not in the mood to talk, recording your thoughts in a
journal also helps you to come to terms with the pain you are feeling.
It is especially helpful to be able to communicate directly with
others who have had similar experiences. They are able to lend you
strength to help you get through your ordeal. It is extremely
comforting to know that you are not the only one out there who has
felt such an intense loss.
I debated whether to include what I am about to write: I chose to
include it as you may be providing support to your spouse or doing
this in the future when assisting others.
I often get asked what to say and what not to say to someone who is
experiencing the loss of their unborn child. I know we all deal with
grief differently and we also all find comfort differently, but make
sure you avoid the following phrases, even if they are true. The
person beset with grief probably doesn't want to hear them yet: "You
can always try and have another child." "At least you know you can get
pregnant." "Maybe this is for the best." "There must have been
something wrong with the baby." "Be grateful for the children you do
have."
On the other hand some helpful phrases are: "I am sorry for your
loss." "Is there something I can do to help? Can I bring a meal or
watch your children?" "I am here for you if you need me."
One of the most important things is to listen intently to the person
who is grieving and follow the cues they are giving. If they want to
talk and cry, welcome them with open arms. If they want to be left
alone, then respect their wishes. Remember just to be their friend and
check in with them periodically to see if you are needed. And please,
don't just completely ignore the situation and pretend it never
happened.
Grieve Together, instead of isolating - As I wrote earlier, every
individual is unique and they have a way of dealing with their grief.
However if the husband and wife let each other into their world of
grief, it helps their relationship immensely and also helps the future
children they may have together. What is not seen/acknowledged/dealt
with by the parents (for e.g. grief) gets passed down to the future
children, thus leaving them with a burden of their parents.
At this stage you are ready to assimilate the loss of your child. This
may take several shapes. Some hospitals (associated with a church)
even offer communal funeral services where mothers and fathers in a
similar situation come together and grieve together. They even
encourage giving their child a "name" and give themselves permission
to be called a mother or a father (if this was their first child). The
fact is although unborn, this was your first child.
During this stage you learn to accept and deal with the reality of
your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant
happiness. You give the pain and turmoil you have experienced a place
and you again turn towards life.
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the
future.
Secondary emotions are life inhibiting and primary emotions are life
promoting, they pass through you, they do not hold you hostage. Make
friends/peace with the primary emotion - Grief.
A summary:
1. Acknowledging what is - Saying yes to Krsna (going past the initial
shock and denial).
2. Separating primary and secondary emotions (Grief vs. Pain, guilt,
anger, looking to someone to blame, Why me? etc.)
3. Grief vs. Lamentation (Timely acknowledgement of grief promotes
action towards life, rather than life long movement towards death)
4. Grieving as a process (Reconstruction, even performing some rituals
at an appropriate time to bring it to the realm of the conscious from
the subconscious)
5. Grieving together (Further reconstruction, leaving the soul at the
lotus feet of the Divine Father and Mother - Krsna and Radha).
6. Taking Shelter of Krsna/transcendental knowledge while staying in
touch with one's feelings.
7. Acceptance and Hope.
___
Hare Krsna!
*************************
Previous questions and answers are available with subject
classification at http://www.romapadaswami.com/inquiries
Digests 1-242 are included as a PDF file at:
http://www.romapadaswami.com/Inquiries/IITA_full.pdf
Lectures: http://www.romapadaswami.com/audio
Brief biography of His Holiness Romapada Swami:
http://www.romapadaswami.com/HHRPS_bio
**************************
To (un)subscribe please email ma...@iita.info with the word (un)
subscribe in the subject.
Swami Maharaja
You are invited to send your questions to His Holiness Romapada Swami
at ma...@iita.info with the word "Question" included in the subject
line or submit your question at http://www.romapadaswami.com/?q=feedback/Question.
Grief After Miscarriage
```````````````````````
778) I have recently experienced a miscarriage in my 11th week of
pregnancy. Though my husband and I are coming to terms with the fact
that maybe this was not the right time for the soul to manifest and
though we are trying our best to take shelter in the scriptures, it
has not been easy. I have many questions that seem unanswered and I
feel extremely helpless and fallen as chanting the holy name also
appears tasteless to me. My husband and I feel guilty that I did not
take some external hormones that were prescribed to me during my
pregnancy, as we wanted to keep the pregnancy as natural and free from
medicines as possible. We feel guilty now that maybe it was because I
did not take those tablets that the soul in my womb is no longer
there? It was not willful negligence but the pain and the guilt
refuses to go away. What can we do?
Ans:For a transcendentalist who is fixed in transcendental knowledge,
the impermanent is not their focus. Abundant teachings are within
scripture to teach us this lesson over and over again.
Until that stage is reached, however, there is no doubt about it –
grief is a harrowing process, no matter from what angle you approach
it.
Even though grief is universal, the way we each feel and deal with
grief is unique to every individual.
As you must have noted from your own experience, grief is both an
emotion and is also a process.
As you wrote, you have been blessed with faith in Guru, Krsna and
scripture. This is your greatest asset! Now, in these challenging
times, try to see Krsna as your well-wishing friend.
Understanding that there is life after death, and coming to learn to
accept the Lord's infinite grace, His indiscernible higher plan, and
His tender mercies in all forms, can also be a great source of
strength to deal with your loss. Understand that Krsna is the
controller and we are His servants, and we serve as He wants us to
serve.
Does this make your grief any easier then? Absolutely not. While there
is a spiritual process that must be taken, unless one is a very rare
soul one cannot spiritually bypass grief.
{While the remainder of my reply is specifically in response to your
grief after miscarriage, many sections apply to any other "grief" one
may have, for example - loss of a child; dealing with the reality of
an inability to have children; loss of a spouse, father, mother,
significant friend, etc. Intensities vary from person to person. You
find this reply useful in dealing with other forms of grief, both
within yourself or when assisting others.>
At some points the pain even seems like it will never let up and that
it is going to pierce you and torment you forever. But with time,
Krsna's love, the help of spiritual master/counselors/close friends
and family, bringing to light what is in the subconscious to the
conscious realm, the aching eventually subsides. It never seems to
completely go away, which is fine as well; to really reconcile is to
eventually give it a small place in your life. The fact is that a
piece of the parents also "die" with the loss of their child.
Acknowledge this.
Learning to process and accept your loss is probably one of the first
steps you will go through when experiencing grief. It will help you to
be able to express your raw feelings to a close friend or family
member, but only if they are able to sincerely listen and validate
your feelings without offering too much advice on how to just move on.
And if you are not in the mood to talk, recording your thoughts in a
journal also helps you to come to terms with the pain you are feeling.
It is especially helpful to be able to communicate directly with
others who have had similar experiences. They are able to lend you
strength to help you get through your ordeal. It is extremely
comforting to know that you are not the only one out there who has
felt such an intense loss.
I debated whether to include what I am about to write: I chose to
include it as you may be providing support to your spouse or doing
this in the future when assisting others.
I often get asked what to say and what not to say to someone who is
experiencing the loss of their unborn child. I know we all deal with
grief differently and we also all find comfort differently, but make
sure you avoid the following phrases, even if they are true. The
person beset with grief probably doesn't want to hear them yet: "You
can always try and have another child." "At least you know you can get
pregnant." "Maybe this is for the best." "There must have been
something wrong with the baby." "Be grateful for the children you do
have."
On the other hand some helpful phrases are: "I am sorry for your
loss." "Is there something I can do to help? Can I bring a meal or
watch your children?" "I am here for you if you need me."
One of the most important things is to listen intently to the person
who is grieving and follow the cues they are giving. If they want to
talk and cry, welcome them with open arms. If they want to be left
alone, then respect their wishes. Remember just to be their friend and
check in with them periodically to see if you are needed. And please,
don't just completely ignore the situation and pretend it never
happened.
Grieve Together, instead of isolating - As I wrote earlier, every
individual is unique and they have a way of dealing with their grief.
However if the husband and wife let each other into their world of
grief, it helps their relationship immensely and also helps the future
children they may have together. What is not seen/acknowledged/dealt
with by the parents (for e.g. grief) gets passed down to the future
children, thus leaving them with a burden of their parents.
At this stage you are ready to assimilate the loss of your child. This
may take several shapes. Some hospitals (associated with a church)
even offer communal funeral services where mothers and fathers in a
similar situation come together and grieve together. They even
encourage giving their child a "name" and give themselves permission
to be called a mother or a father (if this was their first child). The
fact is although unborn, this was your first child.
During this stage you learn to accept and deal with the reality of
your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant
happiness. You give the pain and turmoil you have experienced a place
and you again turn towards life.
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the
future.
Secondary emotions are life inhibiting and primary emotions are life
promoting, they pass through you, they do not hold you hostage. Make
friends/peace with the primary emotion - Grief.
A summary:
1. Acknowledging what is - Saying yes to Krsna (going past the initial
shock and denial).
2. Separating primary and secondary emotions (Grief vs. Pain, guilt,
anger, looking to someone to blame, Why me? etc.)
3. Grief vs. Lamentation (Timely acknowledgement of grief promotes
action towards life, rather than life long movement towards death)
4. Grieving as a process (Reconstruction, even performing some rituals
at an appropriate time to bring it to the realm of the conscious from
the subconscious)
5. Grieving together (Further reconstruction, leaving the soul at the
lotus feet of the Divine Father and Mother - Krsna and Radha).
6. Taking Shelter of Krsna/transcendental knowledge while staying in
touch with one's feelings.
7. Acceptance and Hope.
___
Hare Krsna!
*************************
Previous questions and answers are available with subject
classification at http://www.romapadaswami.com/inquiries
Digests 1-242 are included as a PDF file at:
http://www.romapadaswami.com/Inquiries/IITA_full.pdf
Lectures: http://www.romapadaswami.com/audio
Brief biography of His Holiness Romapada Swami:
http://www.romapadaswami.com/HHRPS_bio
**************************
To (un)subscribe please email ma...@iita.info with the word (un)
subscribe in the subject.
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