100 Klutz Certified
Nina Zahra
I was looking for a Christmas present for my son, who likes his coffee iced and his chicken wings blazin'. But gift certificates to Port City Java and Buffalo Wild Wings wouldn't really be that much fun for an 11-year-old to unwrap on Christmas morning. So when I saw "The Encyclopedia of Immaturity" on the shelf at Learning Express, I knew I had to grab it. It's 100 percent Klutz certified, features a graffiti-fied Mona Lisa on the cover and is subtitled, "How to Never Grow Up: The Complete Guide."
Of course the boy and his sister had already mastered the art of the line fight, where they argue about whose elbow has crossed the dividing line between their seats. And the "I'm not touching you" taunt was already part of their vocabulary.
But somehow along the way I had failed my son. Until he read "The Encyclopedia of Immaturity," he did not know that passing a Volkswagen Beetle on the highway was a legitimate excuse to clobber the person next to him. So his sister was not all very pleased the first time he punched her in the arm and yelled "Punch Buggy!" But pretty soon, we were all in on the game, though I reverted to my childhood memories of calling it a "Slug Bug!"
The book also taught the kids to hold their breath when passing a graveyard and to raise their feet off the ground whenever we cross a bridge with water under it. And the boy has tried to invoke "shotgun" privileges, citing the book's rules as a reference, but he has been consistently vetoed by adults.
Still, the games can get out of hand. After a couple of light punches accidentally sailed north of the shoulder, I had to ban all Punch Buggy and Yellow Car action in the back seat and insist that the kids were only allowed to punch me.
On a two-hour side trip in Ohio, we passed the school bus junkyard. While I had never read the Yellow Car rules, I argued that Rule No. 3, Article C, stated that school buses do not officially count as "Yellow Cars."
Ok. It's been out for a long time. Yup. I am a klutz.I was born that way. It manifested itself very early on. If there was anything in a room to trip over, my toe would find it. If there was an icy patch on the sidewalk, I would be down for the count. Learning to ride a bicycle was a long and bruising project, as was roller skating.
In the 9th grade during a basketball drill, I tripped over my feet, fell down face first, and broke my two front top teeth. Ever seen yourself with out teeth? That's when I cried. The school nurse suggested I avoid soup for lunch, called my mom, and said it was really a minor thing. Then I talked to my mother. She heard the lisp, called the dentist, and next thing I knew I was in the chair. My dentist was very young, and had the nicest blue eyes...
The process was very long and involved because the objective was to save the roots of the teeth and crown them. Such adventures with those temporaries! Running down the hockey field, chasing the ball, oops! Out fall the temps. Off to the dentist for a new set. French class, and saying "du" resulted in the teeth flying across the room. Home Economics. Stirring peach jam. I asked for the timer. Plop. Into the bubbling peaches. Hello Dentist. Band was a nightmare.
And then there was the horror of all horrors: I had to take the teeth out for swim practice. No one ever saw me smile at the Brandywine YMCA pool.Just so you know, my front teeth are housed in lovely permanent crowns.
But even those were not totally safe. Five years ago, starting a trail walk with my sister and my yellow lab puppy, she said something funny, I bent over, doubled up in laughter, just as the puppy bounded up to share the joke. Bam! His skull impacted my front tooth, and out it popped, landing under a car. My sister became very pale as I retrieved it and wanted to continue the walk. She insisted on driving me to...the dentist, who was still very attractive...Enough about my teeth, and on to even more fun adventures. How many times would I be given an orchestral bow, only to get halfway up and realize my long black dress was caught under the chair?
So here I am at age 61 and still a klutz. I had real proof of this two weeks ago as we were debarking from the Stenna Line Ferry in Harwich, UK. The gangway was very long, and down hill. I was being helped along by my 48.3 lb suitcase (a whole story in itself). Did I see the wet patch on the plastic coated floor? Nope. My left heel went out from under me, and wham! I impacted the floor, landing with all my weight on my right elbow. (Today the bruise is a greenish yellow.) So I am lying on my back, and as I look up, 6 or so cyclists, dressed in their best spandex, helmets and biking shoes, looking very concerned indeed, said in their charming British accents, "Are you quite alright?" My thoughts? 1. do my fingers work? And 2. How can I make this moment last?
Here's why: It was a concert that involved six of us: a soprano, tenor, yours truly, an oboist, cellist and an organist.The venue was a church with a marvelous marble floor. We were walking out to the applause to start the concert, and I realized the soprano was moving too slowly for the rest of us to make it onstage while the applause lasted. I pulled out to pass the soprano. Oops! My leather sole slid on the smooth marble and there was a gasp as I stumbled and got myself into an upright position. Lesson learned: long dress + high heels +14 Karat flute = potential disaster.
NEW YORK, Feb. 20, 2020 /PRNewswire/ -- Klutz, the award-winning creator of quality, book-based activity kits for kids, introduces their latest STEAM-based activity kits designed to help kids learn through play and develop the ability to problem solve while building creative confidence and having fun.
"Our goal in creating our STEAM-based products is to help kids find the fun in what is often seen as intimidating," says Stacy Lellos, President of Klutz, "Our subversively educational kits help kids build resilience while becoming creative problem-solvers who will develop into the innovators and leaders of the future!"
Klutz empowers kids by giving them quality content and components that guarantee success in creating fun projects they're excited to make. Klutz fosters creativity through lightly guided creative projects in the original Core line for ages 6-12, to Klutz Jr. for ages 4+, to the STEAM-based line Klutz Maker Lab for ages 8-12, and to the latest addition of Klutz "Mini Kits" last year.
Make and bake 15 cute clay critters like a corgi, retriever, chihuahua, guinea pig, kitten, bird, and bunny, then build a chipboard adoption truck and accessories to help them find their fur-ever homes!
This kid-approved cookbook and baking essentials kit comes with a spatula, measuring spoons, pastry bags, piping tips, and fun accessories to decorate the finished creations. The cookbook features 25 enchanting recipes like Pixie Dust Snickerdoodles, Castle in the Sky Layer Cake, Mystery Surprise Cupcakes, and Unicorn Sandwiches.
Transform a regular manicure into a work of art! Each theme comes with its own special technique and all the materials needed to bring these designs to life including three colors of high-quality nail polish.
Make six soaps in shapes like a mermaid, jellyfish, or turtle and "sea" them come to life with the addition of waterproof fabric pieces that ride the (bathtub) waves. Making them couldn't be easier: just squish together the soap powder, glitter, and scent then pop in the freezer to set.
Junior gemologists will "dig" learning about mineral formation with this beginner's collection. The kit includes eight real rock samples PLUS a surprise rock that they will unearth in the dig kit. Then go exploring to find rocks from home that you can decorate with the included paint and googly eyes.
Assemble a double-security lock, then build a door alarm or pressure plate to protect your most prized possessions. The included book has even more spy activities like a decoder ring to keep discovering the spy-tacular world of espionage.
About KlutzFounded in 1977, Klutz has been engaging kids for decades with more than 150 million copies of its activity products in print, including such popular and award-winning kits as Cat's Cradle, Face Painting, Juggling for the Complete Klutz, and The Klutz Book of Paper Airplanes. Klutz's unique combination of crystal-clear instructions, custom tools and materials, and hearty helpings of humor has kick-started creativity everywhere.
Klutz is a division of Scholastic, the world's largest publisher and distributor of children's books. For more information, please visit www.klutz.com and Follow Klutz on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and Pinterest @KlutzCertified.
first I hope that your foot is ok! Wow skydiving, how exciting!!! I love that you gave us cooking quotes, I have never seen that before! So can I call you KR GRACE?? xxx oh yes onions and garlic for me!
I am in the klutz club too. I hope that your foot is getting better. Once it does, would you consider posting all the tips on getting the hubby to cook, my other half would have difficulties spelling onion. Feel better soon!
So much good info here! Skydiving? How brave! I agree with all of your quotes (well #2 is justification by someone who really knows) but so true about meals being good! And I too am an onion lover! Cute post KR!
BE YOUR OWN PET (Ecstatic Peace!) Although their buzzcame too early, this is one young band that did get better, notsomething being 16 guarantees--as paths go, both pretension andtechnique are pretty fucking forking. But at 18 or so, all four stillidentify as teens, and write for them. Mouthy, destructive, confused,sexed-up but no sex object, Jemima Pearl is the pearl. Guitar manJonas Stein, who'll turn 19 this fall, takes the hyperactive rhythmsection wilding. Yeah yeah yeahs all around. A MINUS
KIMYA DAWSON: Remember That I Love You (K) Somerandom verbiage--I could have picked almost anything. Say fast:"Adios, I'm a ghost/I am leaving for the coast/And I'll never work foranyone again/I'm not your savior or your heavenly host/I'm just apiece of zwieback toast/Getting soggy in a baby's aching mouth/I'mgoing south like the geese I just goosed you/And so maybe I seem looseto you/But I don't even want to screw." Then her family home getssold. Then her brother wins a custody fight. Accept the strummedguitar plus friendly input (I like it when Jake Kelly's sour violincounteracts the ick factor) and the permanently childish voice, andgive half a chance to the words spilling out: compassionate,confessional, witty, playful, maudlin, naked. The music is so minimalthat you won't return that often. But when you do, you'll rememberthat she loves you. A MINUS
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