Writing the sonnets to the queen

[Melanie Sands]

Elsewhere, I wrote that if Oxford was supposed to have written
the sonnets to the queen, who was 17 years older than he was,
by the time he wrote them - let's say at age twenty at the earliest
date - she would already have been 37 and getting on, by Tudor
standards.
Paul Crowley said Oxford would have written these sonnets in
his teens.
I consider it to be rather cheeky, a teenager telling an older
woman - and a queen at that! - to get married and have kids.
Any opinions?

Melanie

[Dominic Hughes]

Worse than that, Crowley contends that little Oxenforde penned his
first sonnet at around the age of eight. The notion that Queen
Elizabeth would have brooked such hectoring from the young Oxenforde
is absurd -- but then so is Crowley's theory that the marriage Sonnets
are actually written to a woman.

Dom

[Dominic Hughes]

Crowley is now going on about how his little Oxenforde wrote Sonnet 95
so that 'Tudor" can be the "budding name" and carry a scatalogical
connotation.
__________

Crowley:

Bob Grumman asks for my views -- which I'll give shortly. But first a
little test. Imagine you were an Elizabethan courtier, in a circle
that loved word games and enjoyed a bit of scatology. (OK, ok, I know
that's a bit like asking you to imagine you [sic] from Mars, or could
[sic] think like a dolphin; IOW I might as well be discussing shades
of indigo with people blind from birth) BUT, let's for the moment
pretend you have a few working grey cells.

Given that the ruling house was that of TUDOR, how does that become a
'budding name' ?
__________

Dear God, please don't let it be the "two door"...but I fear that's
what the ignoranus [sic] has in mind.

Dom

[Dominic Hughes]

A revised Crowleyish rendering of Sonnet 97:

1. How like a Winter hath my absence beene
Oxenforde has been away, due to chilly relations with the Queen.

2. From thee, the pleasure of the fleeting yeare?
She is still his pleasure, even though the years are passing and she
isn’t getting any younger. Also, "fleet" sounds remarkably like a
high-pitched fart, giving the sense that Oxenforde has missed his epic
turd dropping fests with his Queen

3. What freezings have I felt, what darke daies seene?
Oxenforde has seen the Queen’s dark orgasms and then been frozen out.
Also, the sense that he's felt her frigid body.

4. What old Decembers barenesse every where?
The Queen’s December is upon us; she’s old and barren, and will never
have an heir. That fact will be having an effect everywhere in the
country. Of course, "bare -ness also refers to the Queen's ("old
December's") aged, naked body.

5. And yet this time remov'd was sommers time,
Not like in the not-so-long-ago past (removed time) when it was
Darnley’s time.

6. And teeming Autumne big with ritch increase,
And Mary QS was big with child and big with tits blowing in the August
winds.

7. Bearing the wanton burthen of the prime,
Bearing her child ("burthen" = birth) (the product of her wanton
sexual escapades with Darnley), when still in her prime. Prime also
meaning James "I".

8. Like widdowed wombes after their Lords decease:
England is now like the womb of a widow since its Lord, QEI, can no
longer have an heir (her childbearing years have ceased).

9. Yet this aboundant issue seem'd to me,
Yet Oxenforde had hoped that the Queen would have a child (issue), to
keep the fabric (seem) of the nation tied together.

10. But hope of Orphans, and un-fathered fruite,
But all his hopes have been orphaned, and there will be no fruit of
QEI’s womb.

11. For Sommer and his pleasures waite on thee,
For Darnley’s son, the product of his pleasures (James I), is the one
who will rule England (and will have the people, his servants, waiting
on him).

12. And thou away, the very birds are mute.
And, with QEI gone (away) the result will be abhorrent even to nature,

13. Or if they sing, tis with so dull a cheere,
So that England will be rendered dull and irrelevant.

14. That leaves looke pale, dreading the Winters neere.
It will sicken and may possibly die.

It still needs more turds, but I venture it will be pretty close to
his anal analysis.

Dom

[Dominic Hughes]

A Crowleyish reading of Sonnet 97:

1. How like a Winter hath my absence beene
Oxenforde has been away, due to chilly relations with the Queen.

2. From thee, the pleasure of the fleeting yeare?
She is still his pleasure, even though the years are passing and she
isn’t getting any younger.

3. What freezings have I felt, what darke daies seene?
Oxenforde has seen the Queen’s dark orgasms and then been frozen out.

4. What old Decembers barenesse every where?
The Queen’s December is upon us; she’s old and barren, and will never
have an heir. That fact will be having an effect everywhere in the
country.

5. And yet this time remov'd was sommers time,

Not like in the past (removed time) when it was Darnley’s time.

6. And teeming Autumne big with ritch increase,

And MQS was big with child and big with tits.

7. Bearing the wanton burthen of the prime,

Bearing her child (the product of her wanton sexual escapades with
Darnley), and still in her prime.

8. Like widdowed wombes after their Lords decease:

The country is now like a widowed womb since its Lord, QEI, can no

longer have an heir (her childbearing years have ceased).

9. Yet this aboundant issue seem'd to me,
Yet Oxenforde had hoped that the Queen would have a child (issue), to
keep the fabric (seem) of the nation tied together.

10. But hope of Orphans, and un-fathered fruite,
But all his hopes have been orphaned, and there will be no fruit of
QEI’s womb.

11. For Sommer and his pleasures waite on thee,

For Darnley’s son, the product of his pleasures (James I), is who will
rule England.

12. And thou away, the very birds are mute.

A result that will be abhorrent even to nature,

13. Or if they sing, tis with so dull a cheere,
So that England will be rendered dull and irrelevant

14. That leaves looke pale, dreading the Winters neere.

It will sicken and will possibly die.