Two-minute Shakespeare. Romeo and Juliet

[Brad Filippone]

Just having a little fun. Let me know if this is any good, and I'll (gradually) give the same treatment to the rest of the plays.

[Enter MONTAGUE, CAPULET and PRINCE]
MONTAGUE AND CAPULET: [to each other] I hate you!
PRINCE: No more fighting or there’ll be big trouble. [All exit but BENVOLIO]
[Enter ROMEO]
ROMEO: I’m in love with Rosalind!
BENVOLEO: You need to see more women. Let’s sneak into Capulet’s ball.
ROMEO: [seeing JULIET] I’m in love with Juliet!
JULIET: I’m in love with Romeo!
BENVOLIO: I’m bored. Let’s sneak out of Capulet’s ball. [Exit]
[ROMEO sneaks back and finds Juliet’s balcony]
ROMEO: But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
JULIET: O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
ROMEO: I love you!
JULIET: I love you too! Let’s get married! Name the time.
ROMEO: How about tomorrow at nine?
JULIET: Okie doke! Good night, good night, parting is such sweet sorrow.
ROMEO: I’ll go talk to Friar Laurence.
[Enter FRIAR LAURENCE]
FRIAR LAURENCE: You’re going to what???
ROMEO: Please marry us!
FRIAR LAURENCE: Okay. [Exit with ROMEO and JULIET]
TYBALT: Where’s that Montague scum, Romeo?
MERCUTIO: Here he is.
[Enter ROMEO]
TYBALT: Let’s fight, loser!
ROMEO: No.
MERCUTIO: But I will! [fights with TYBALT and is stabbed] A plague o’ both your houses! [Dies]
ROMEO: [to TYBALT] You creep! [Kills TYBALT] Oops, I’d better run. [Exit]
[Enter PRINCE]
PRINCE: For offing Tybalt, I banish Romeo! [Exit]
[Enter JULIET and NURSE]
NURSE: Romeo killed your cousin.
JULIET: That can’t be good. [Exit NURSE]
[Enter ROMEO]
ROMEO: Hi, honey. We’ll have to be quick. [Exit with JULIET]
[Enter ROMEO and JULIET]
ROMEO: Well, that was nice, but I have to flee the city now. [Exit]
JULIET: Oh, woe is me!
[Enter CAPULET]
CAPULET: Good news, daughter. You’re marrying Paris.
JULIET: Correction. NOW woe is me! [Exit CAPULET]
[Enter FRIAR LAURENCE]
JULIET: Friar, get me out of this!
FRIAR: Here, drink this potion. [Exit FRIAR LAURENCE. JULIET DRINKS and passes out.
[Enter CAPULET]
CAPULET: My daughter is dead! Chuck her in the family tomb. [JULIET placed in tomb. Exit CAPULET.]
[Enter ROMEO and his man BALTHAZAR]
BALTHAZAR: Bad news, master. Juliet is dead. [Exit BALTHAZAR]
ROMEO: Oh, woe is me! [Goes to Capulet tomb] Oh, Juliet, why art thou yet so fair? [drinks poison and dies]
[Enter FRIAR LAURENCE]
FRIAR: Hope I’m not too late. [sees ROMEO] Oops, I am.
[JULIET awakens]
JULIET: Morning, Friar. Where’s Romeo?
FRIAR: Not so hot. [shows her body] Now I’ll do the brave thing and run away. [Exit FRIAR]
JULIET: [taking ROMEO’s dagger] This could have gone better. [stabs herself and dies]
[Enter all the other characters who are still alive.]
PRINCE: What happened?
FRIAR: Let’s take up important stage time what we tell you what the audience already knows.
MONTAGUE AND CAPULET: [embracing] Waaaah!
PRINCE: Never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

[John W Kennedy]

To any fan of Tom Stoppard or regular patron of Renaissance faires, I'm
afraid this is rather musty. You've taken on a genre that's been around
for years, and where masters have been before you.

--
John W Kennedy
who, over the years, has personally performed in:
"The Tragedy of Errors",
"Macbeth: The Special Edition",
"See Macbeth Run",
W. S. Gilbert's "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern", and
"Hamliette and Ophelio",
and whose wife has also performed in:
"A Midsummer's Nightmare", and
"To Woo or to Woe".

[Brad Filippone]

Well, it was worth a try anyway. Thanks :)

Brad

[The Historian]

I thought it was amusing, but I agree its been done before. Parodies
of Shakespeare criticism, however, might be a fresher alternative.