Conjuring the historian in our midst
Melanie Sands
Heavy green velvet curtains,
a yellow leather couch,
some candles,
a stuffed owl on a perch.
Personae:
1. The Hypnotist
2. Neil Brennan
HYPNOTIST:
Lean back, Neil, lean back and relax.
Look at this crystal on a chain.
See how it swings to and fro.
You are feeling sleepy.
Very sleeeeeeepy….sleeeepeeeeeee.
NEIL:
(mumble mumble)
HYPNOTIST:
Can you hear me, Neil?
NEIL: (thickly)
Yes.
HYPNOTIST:
I want to speak to Houlsby!
NEIL:
(mumble mumble)
HYPNOTIST: (louder)
I want to speak to Houlsby!
NEIL: (suddenly, in a high voice)
Ba boop dee boop! Hello, my name is Janey!
Do you like my bikini?
HYPNOTIST:
Go away Janey, I want to speak to Houlsby!
NEIL: (Bavarian accent)
Grüss Gott! My name is Heidelinde!
Ich komme from Oberammergau!
HYPNOTIST: (getting angry)
I want to speak to Houlsby!
NEIL: (in high voice)
Itsy bitsy teenie weenie polka dot bikini!
HYPNOTIST:
Buzz off Janey, where’sHoulsby?
NEIL: (Bavarian accent)
Was gibt’s Neues auf dem Planeten Neuendorffer?
HYPNOTIST:
Ah, we‘re getting closer! Come on Houlsby, I know
you’re in there somewhere!
NEIL: (singing in Bavarian accent)
Hitler- der hatte nur ein Ei, Himmler – der hatte kleine aber
zwei, Goebels - der hatte keine, aber Göring hatte drei Ei! Ei!
HYPNOTIST:
Schnauze, Heidelinde!
NEIL:
Grrr…mpf…brchvpfff!
HYPNOTIST:
Now, listen carefully! I want to speak to Houlsby!
NEIL: (sneaky little voice)
Why don’t you ask to speak to Neil?
HYPNOTIST:
What?
NEIL: (sneaky little voice)
I said, why don’t you ask to speak to Neil?
You’ve been speaking to Houlsby all along you
deranged fuckwit cunt!
HYPNOTIST (after a stunned pause)
Alright. I want to speak to Neil!
NEIL: (sneaky little voice)
He’s out.
(Maniac laugh. Candles fall over and set fire to stuffed owl.)
The end.
Mark Houlsby
You ask favours of Mr. Brennen, then you post this.
Interesting.
The Historian
I have never enjoyed Ms. Sand's "favours." She seems strangely
obsessed with me, however.
Mark Houlsby
Obsessed with both of us, I fear. I enjoyed the revengeful apostrophe,
BTW.....
The Historian
Perhaps you could enjoy her 'favours' as well. Of course, not everyone
wants to ride the village bicycle.
Mark Houlsby
Amen to that.
elizabeth weir
Bravo! Brilliant! Worthy of Mel Brooks!
Mark Houlsby
I'm not entirely sure that he would agree with that assessment.
Melanie Sands
Oh, I don't know - I have yet to meet the person who dislikes biking.
Melanie
Melanie Sands
>
> - Zitierten Text anzeigen -
Of course, some have forgotten how to. Or never really managed to
get a leg over.
Melanie
Rehman
Melanie, great!
Mark Houlsby
Rehman
O' come on, Mark, women are beautiful human beings, they need love and
respect. Are you a misogynist like the Islamic extremists in Pakistan?
Mark Houlsby
> On Oct 2, 8:54 pm, Mark Houlsby <mark.houl...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> > On Oct 2, 12:49 pm, Rehman <hrwri...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> > > Melanie, great!
>
> > Don't encourage her.
>
> O' come on, Mark, women are beautiful human beings,
Not this woman,
> they need love and
> respect.
Maybe, but this woman doesn't /deserve/ respect.
> Are you a misogynist like the Islamic extremists in Pakistan?
No. Your interpreting my conflict with Melanie as misogynistic
suggests that you are sexist. Are you?
Rehman
Oh, nooooooo...
Mark Houlsby
That's a relief. End of conversation.
Rehman
Not end of conversation... let Art & Melanie their say...
Melanie Sands
Seriously, Rehman - Houlsby IS an Islamic extremist, because he thinks
it will give him power.
However, living in his Cumbrian village nest, he is clueless about
what
it really means to be living amongst extremists, unless it's pub-
bingeing-extremists,
soggy-white-bread-sandwich-guzzling-extremists, excessive-tv-watching-
extremists
or chess-club-extremists, most of which are male activities, while the
females
have to get the work done.
Melanie
Mark Houlsby
> On 3 Okt., 06:09, Rehman <hrwri...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> > On Oct 2, 8:54 pm, Mark Houlsby <mark.houl...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> > > On Oct 2, 12:49 pm, Rehman <hrwri...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> > > > Melanie, great!
>
> > > Don't encourage her.
>
> > O' come on, Mark, women are beautiful human beings, they need love and
> > respect. Are you a misogynist like the Islamic extremists in Pakistan?
>
> Seriously, Rehman - Houlsby IS an Islamic extremist, because he thinks
> it will give him power.
>
This is more disingenuous fucking nonsense. Islam is even worse than
Christianity or even Judaism.
> However, living in his Cumbrian village nest, he is clueless about
> what
> it really means to be living amongst extremists, unless it's pub-
> bingeing-extremists,
FYI, I used to live in Leicester, where my neighbours were Afro-
Carribean, Asian, European,....
> soggy-white-bread-sandwich-guzzling-extremists, excessive-tv-watching-
> extremists
> or chess-club-extremists, most of which are male activities, while the
> females
> have to get the work done.
>
> Melanie
Fuck off, moron.
Mark
Melanie Sands
From: nomorech...@wmconnect.comkillspam (NoMoreChess)
Date: 2 Aug. 2003, 04:27
Subject: Mark Houlsby's Moronic Posts
To: rec.games.chess.politics
In addition to not being particularly bright,Houlsbyseems very
paranoid in
his hyper-defensive rection to a simple call for peace.
It's looks as though he feels outnumbered, surrounded, and ganged-up
on --
even by those who do not support the dreaded right-wing, flag-waving
trio he
depises.
Mark Houlsby
Greg Kennedy is deranged. These days, I'm in his killfile, which
enables me--with impunity--to point out, repeatedly, how idiotic he
is. His derangement leads him--frequently--to confuse people's
identities, misattribute posts, and generally fuck up.
In short, he's a lot like you, Melanie, except that you're not
deranged, only fuckwitted (only a fuckwit would cite notorious
deranged people in a vain attempt to discredit somebody).
Fuck off, cunt.