Talk Radio Script Pdf

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There's a tornado watchfor a portion of West Texas.Brian Chadwick is with the countysheriff's office in Sweetwater.We're trying to get the word out tothe community to brace themselves.We hope this thing's not gonnadevelop into a real funnel...but after Saragosa, we'renot taking any chances.The National Weather Service saysthe storm is moving northeast...and with the exception of some rain, itshouldn't affect the Dallas-Fort Worth area.That's news, sports and weather. I'mFrank Castle for KGAB talk radio news.From the heart ofthe Lone Star state,it's time for Dallas'most popular talk show,Night Talkwith Barry Champlaign.# Bad to the bone #The KGAB phone lines are openand ready for your call...at 555-TALK.And now your host for NightTalk, Barry Champlaign.- The worst newsof the night is that...three of four people say they'd ratherwatch TV than have sex with their spouse.The second worst news is that somekids needed money for crack last night,so they stuck a knife in the throatof an 80-year-old grandmother...down on Euclid Avenueright here in Dallas.One nightin one American city.Multiply that by hundreds ofcities and what have you got?A country where culture meanspornography and slasher films,;where ethics means payoffs,graft, insider trading,;where integrity means Iying,whoring and intoxication.This country isin deep trouble, people.This country is rotten to the core andsomebody better do something about it.Take your hand out of that bowl ofFritos, throw away your National Enquirer,and pick up the phone,hold it up to your face...and dial 555-TALK.Open your mouth and tell me what we'regonna do about the mess this country's in.Talk radio- it's the lastneighborhood in town.People don't talkto each other anymore.Let's go tothe first caller.A lot of problems with thecountry today have a lot do...- with the continued exploitationof the third world countries.Wait. Third world countries? Where'dyou learn that phrase, in college?Do you know what it means?You're getting off the track.We're not getting off the track,we're getting on.Josh, go back to college. Whenyou graduate, give me a call.A prime example of thatuniquely American institution;the concernedbleeding-heart liberal...looking for people withproblems he can call his own.Francine in Oakline.I'm a transvestite.I'm trying to save moneyfor an operation...What interest do you think your adventuresin surgery hold for my listeners?It's something I have to talkabout. I don't. Night Talk.Let me put you on hold. You slipsome testosterone into Barry's coffee?The guy's possessed tonight.He's a little tense.Get outta here!Sometimes I come home from work andwe have dinner together, you know?No, I don't know. You havedinner at the table with your cat?With a tablecloth andcandles? No, Barry.Just her own plate on the floor. Good.But we eat the same things. Like if Ihave a pork chop, she has a pork chop.If I have a veal,she has a veal.Glenn, take my advice.Stop hangin' around withthe pussy. Go find some.I'm listening, Michael.What's up?Yeah, I heard your littleadvertisement there for the pizza place.Yeah, Jericho's Pizza. I lovethat pizza. Don't you like it?You sound like you'd loveit. I enjoy Jericho's Pizza.What I wanted to say to youtonight, Mr. Champlaign, was...I have an interest in this place,or at least, some friends of mine...Just use one-syllables, Billy,if it's difficult. Oh, Michael.Hey, smart guy.Just use one-syllable...Smart guy?We're being- Smart guy.We got somebody witha little lip on us tonight.Hey.Don't call me "Hey."This is not a conversation. Thisis a monologue. I talk, you listen.Understand me?Oh, yeah, we're listening.Yes? Go ahead.I don't want you makin' any morecomments about the pizza joint.Do you have relatives that run theplace? People gotta make money on this.Uncle Vinnie or someone?There are people...You know what, Michael?You're a meatball.- Debbie in Highland Park.- My name is Debbie.Hello, Debbie.How old are you?I'm 23.Uh-huh.What do you do?I don't do anything.When was the last timeyou did something?I don't know.About a month ago.What'd you do a month ago?I went swimmin'!Mm-hmm.What do you do for money?I got my brother.I haven't made any.Debbie, you're a leech.Don't you think it's time you gotoff your duff, started making money?Well, not really.I got everything I want.But, Debbie, what do you need? Well...What are you missing thatyou need? A guy. A boyfriend.A guy? What do you haveto offer a guy?Well...I have nice,shiny long hair...A guy could buyhimself a wig.You can tell I don't have a wig.It never falls off.You're terrific, darling.But seriously, Debbie.Aren't you shooting for anything morein life than looking for a free meal?Not really.You wanna lie around till youfind somebody to take care of you.Yeah.You're dynamic, darling.Rhonda from Garland on the line.Rhonda, you're on Night Talk.Barry, I want toexpress my views...What are you doing, Steve?Looking at this Dietz guy....up in New York City, givin'out needles to drug addicts.They have to do it to stopAIDS. Clean needles help.It's immoral for thegovernment of this country...tax dollars to begoin' to addicts.But it's all right for our taxdollars, four billion of them,to go into a systemthat's a complete joke.More drugs than everare coming into this country.Our courts, our jailsare clogged with cases.The other night up in New York City,crack dealers killed another cop.Any kid who wants a hitcan get one. That's right.When are we gonnawake up, Rhonda?When are we going to admit that drugprohibition is not working in this country?I think-Know what I think?I think we should legalize alldrugs, as sinister as that sounds.That's the dumbest thingI ever heard. Is it?A junkie could go to adrugstore, More stuff, Laura.sign his name,get the stuff for a buck...then he doesn't have to rob orkill for his habit. Thanks, Ellen.You cannot let childrenhave drugs.Why not? They're gonnaget it anyway. Why not?In America today we're talking aboutshooting up in the eighth grade.We have a moral obligationto the children.Know what the mostdangerous drug is?It's heroin.No, it's legal.It's tobacco.It kills 350, 000 people a year.You know how much coke, crack,heroin, pot kill every year?Four thousand people. Will youlisten to sense? Hello? Let me check.Will you listen to logic,please?The only people who benefitfrom prohibition...are the gangstersmakin' the money on it,the politicians condemningit and gettin' your vote.And who foots the bill?You, Rhonda Q Sucker!I beg your pardon!It would end tomorrow.The $200 billion drug problem in thiscountry could disappear overnight.Legalize the damn stuff. Do ittoday, right after this message.I'm Barry Champlaign.This is Night Talk.We're gonna go to a message. I'llbe right back after I shoot up.Who's the schlub?Barry, Dan and I wanted to tell youbefore the show we have some good news.Barry? Dan, I can't talkright now. I gotta take a leak.I'll catch you later,okay?Stu, cool it with the baseball callsand the transvestites. How's the lines?I got five hanging onalready. Give me 45.You got it. Barry, I'd likeyou to meet Chuck Dietz,V.P. in charge of advertising,Metro Wave, Chicago.Really? Very nice to meetyou. It's my pleasure.I've been reading allyour press clippings...and listening to tapesof your shows for weeks.And?And you're really something.You're very funny.I try to amuse.I'm in the middle of a show. I'vegotta move it along. Genius at work.Metro Wave's picking up the show startingMonday, linking it to a national feed.Some people at Humphrey's Coffeewant to sponsor the show nationally.We're at cold; 30, Bar.Wait a minute. The show's goingnational starting Monday night?When did this happen?- Don't I get a say in this? You know about this?- Yeah.Dan- We didn't know anything about it until tonight.No sense getting you allexcited until it panned out.Chuck is here to be the eyes andears of Metro Wave, so to speak.So to speak.Fifteen, Bar.Why don't you go ahead.We can talk later.We got a hot show. We're talking Larry King here- coast to coast.It's always a hot show,Dan. Stu, find me a catheter.Extra hot. We'll get acontract for six months. Jawohl.You're listeningto the best talk in Texas.Barry Champlaign on KGAB.You know about this?Yeah. Chill, will you, Barry?The bucks don't suck. Stand by.555-TALK.Yo.Metro Wave Broadcastingis a giant media corporation...specializingin broadcast radio.It has 357affiliate stations...in the United Statesand Canada.Two minutes agoI received a phone call...from the man who controlsthose 357 stations...the president ofMetro Wave Broadcasting.He asked me if Metro Wavecould pick up this show,pick up Barry Champlaign for nationalsyndication, beginning Monday night.I've hadthese offers before,and I've been asked in the pastif I could ever soften my touch,go a little easier, and myanswer has always been the same;Take it or leave it.He took it.And so,beginning Monday night,this show, Night Talk,begins national broadcasting.That means the nationis listening.You better have somethingto say. I know I do.And we have Chet from Mesquiteon the line.Hello, Chet.Hello?You think you're so smart.Hello?Why are you always talkin'about the drugs and niggers...and homos and Jews?Isn't there anything else totalk about? You know what I hate?I hate people who tell me whatthey don't wanna talk about.You don't wanna talk about blacksand gays, why'd you bring them up?Sounds like you liketalking about them.Tell me what you wanna talkabout, or get off the phone.Why don't you start tellingthe truth? About what?You know. People behind yourshow, people who pay the bills.Talking about the sponsorsnow. Don't you act dumb with me.What kind of a nameis Champlaign?I want you to cancel my planereservations for tonight. You changed it?I'm gonna come in tomorrow. Maybebecause it sounded too Jewish.Call Freddie. Tell him to call metomorrow. Change the name, get a nose job,same old story.Chet, come on!He started out a bit shaky. Yourattitude reminds me of a story.Last summerI visited Germany.Wanted to take a lookat Hitler's homeland.Are you familiarwith Adolf Hitler, Chet?I'm familiarwith Adolf Hitler.I bet you are.I decided to visit the remains of aconcentration camp on the outskirts of Munich:Dachau.You join a tour group, go out by bus,get out at the gate. It's chilling.A sign over the gate says,"Arbeit Macht Frei. "It means, "Work will make you free"- something the Nazis told their prisoners.You still listening to me,Chet? I'm counting your lies.Good. I wanna make sureyou're hearing them.I'm walking around this concentrationcamp, and I see something on the ground.I picked it up.Guess what I found, Chet?A tiny Star of David.Very old.Who knows? It might've belonged toone of the prisoners at the camp.Maybe a small boytorn from his parents...as they were dragged offto the slaughterhouse.I kept that Star of David.I know I shouldn't have, but I did.I keep it right here on my console.I like to hold itsometimes.In fact, well...I'm holding it right now.I like to hold it in my handto give me courage.Maybe some of the courage that smallboy had as he faced unspeakable evil...can enter me as I facethe trials in my own life...as I face the cowardlyand the narrow-minded.The bitter, bigoted people whohide behind anonymous phone calls...full of hatredand poisonous bile.The gutless,spineless people...like you, Chet,who make me puke!Keep talkin', Jewboy.Life is short.Stu, let's senda microwave oven out to Chet.And we have Kent on the line.Yeah, Kent?I need help.Shoot.I like to partywith my girlfriend.How old are you?Nineteen.How old's your girlfriend?Seventeen.Okay, go ahead. So welike to party, you know?When you're partying, whereare your parents? On a vacation.He's so excited about it.Look at him.I think it's Fiji.Is that right?Is there a place called Fiji? Excuseme. I'm gonna take care of some stuff.Your parents are on vacation in aplace called Fiji, and you're partying.Yeah, that's what I wantedto ask you about, Bar.See, we've been partyingfor a couple of days. Uh-huh.Smokin' coke, crack.Free-base.Sounds pretty sordid, Kent. You'vebeen smoking crack with your girlfriend.What else you been up to?Drinkin'.Mm-hmm.I don't know.I drank a bottle of 100-proof whiskeyyesterday 'cause I was gettin' paranoid.Jill was doin' some acidwith some Valium.It was...Kent, you need to call adoctor, have your stomach pumped.Let me give you a number tocall. That's why I'm callin' you.Why?It's Jill.She's been sleepin' a long time- No, no, no.She's been sleepin'and she won't wake up.Don't waste my time with this baloney.When you get outta detox, give me a call.She's turnin' blue.She's turning blue?Great. Just give Stu your addressand we'll send an ambulance there now.Give Stu your address, we'llsend an ambulance in two minutes.I can't! I can't! I'm gonnaget your address. Kent, hello?Hello?I'm really glad people like Kentare out there and I'm inside here.We're gonna go toa little commercial break now.Whoo-whee! Jericho's Pizza, downRoute 111 at the Jericho Turnpike.They got pizza you'll never forget. Oneslice, you don't have to eat for a week.I saw a guy in there combing his hair withhis stuff off the plate. Jericho's Pizza.We have the news and weather coming up,then we'll be back with more Night Talk.Here's your mail.You read it.What's the problem tonight?Fight with the old lady?No, there's no problems.Throwing me some real curve balls.What's wrong with curveballs, Bar? Some call.It's a hoax.How can you be sure?A hoax. Stu, who's thisHenry? You didn't give me this.Who's Denise from FortWorth? I didn't get that.- Maybe Laura should take the calls.- These people were stiffs.You want stiffs, I'llgive you stiffs. No, Stu.I don't want stiffs. Am Ispeaking English? Read my lips.Keep the show moving,give me stuff I can work with.You having trouble understandingme? No, I'm not having trouble.As a matter of fact,I read you loud and clear.Good!Barry?Barry.Honey, just relax.Everything's under control.It's my ass on the line,not yours.All you have to dois just be nice.Okay?Just for tonight.You be nice, Laura.It's what you're good at.You're not gonna loseeven with a 15...Jerry, I'm gonna put you onhold. Something wrong, Barry?I can't work with him breathingdown my neck. I want him out now!I have your contract right here. Whydon't you take it and look it over.You dump it on me the Fridaybefore it's gonna happen.You stick some putzin the middle of my studio.I feel like I'm auditioningfor my own job!Barry, calm down.You don't care.Just stick me out there,see how it goes.Doesn't work out, flush Barrydown the toilet, right?You're not gonna get me to apologizefor getting you a slot on national radio.I worked very hard on this deal,and I'm happy with it.If you're not,we tear up the contract,we don't dothe Metro Wave hookup.Big mistake, guy. I think it's worth thegamble because I think the show is good.Barry, you are good. And it willblow them away everywhere it's heard.Dietz goes with the deal.Grin and bear it.You do your job,I'll do mine.Did you run Sani Cleanbefore the news?Yes, I did.You up with your log?There's a Harry's, a Firestone,a logo. They're all on track.Good. Don't let it get toyou. It's been a strange night.There's nothing strange about it.How long you been working here?Four months. How long youbeen sleeping with him?Listen, Ellen.I was gonna cheer you up.Metro Wave, the network, is pickingup the show. We're going national.Oh, my God. In Chicagotoo? Yeah, in Chicago too.It's not that simple-You must be so excited!Yeah, of courseI'm excited.We got this character here fromthe company keeping an eye on me.I'll be right off the phone. Ellen,will you tell him you're talking to me?I like this stuff. Nights liketonight are what it's all about.You either get used to itor you get lost.That's what his wife did- left him. So did the two producers who were here before you.But big Stu stayed,didn't he?I don't have to take his shit. I'mnot his wife. You're not, but I am.This is not the best timeforme to talk.Yeah, yeah.I'm sorry I'm calling so late.It's just that This isimportant. Barry, 20!I need your help with something.I never ask you for anything and...Barry...Can you come to Dallasover the weekend, till Tuesday?What? I need someonehere I can trust. It's...- It's important.- Damn it! Come on!I don't think he'sgonna let me. Forget it.Forget it.Don't come.He answered,"The night he didn't come home. "No, that happened all the time.Ellen?I'm thinking, okay?Five, Bar.Allright. Sunday? You pick meup at the airport. Strap in, Bar.Yeah, I'll be there.Here we go.- Look, I gotta go. Bye.- You're listening to the best talk in Texas.The phone lines are open, andyour calls are invited now...at 555-TALK.Bob, what a relief.How you doing tonight?Terrific.Very well, thank you.I hope you're not gonna gettoo busy to take my calls.No show is complete withoutyour call. How are the legs?They're fine- an ache or two. But you know what I say?When they give you lemons,make lemonade.You can't cry over spilledmilk. Cry, and you cry alone.You can't losewhat you never had.Because you don't knowwhat you got until you lost it.So don't lose hope.This too shall pass.Because today is the first dayof the rest of your life.Yeah, and it's always darkestbefore dawn. Bob, could I just...People think that life in a wheelchairmust be the worst thing in the world.That's not the wayI look at it.I imagine the worst thingin the world would be...bein' unthankful for all the goodthings that come our way everyday.The smiles on little children,flowers bloomin',little birds chirpin', sittin' on thebuddin' branches on a bright spring day.Why, hell, just the sun comin'up every day is a miracle.I couldn't agree with you more,especially that part about the sun.We get bogged down in our daily troublesand we forget about the simple things.Oh, I forgot one more thingto be thankful for.What's that?The Barry Champlaign show.Thank you, Bob.Listen, we gotta run.Know you can't, but we can. So God bless you- One more thing.Don't put all your eggs in onebasket. A bird in the hand...- Good night. And we have-- Debbie, you still there?- Turn your radio down. Stop crying.- Well, I'm black.Good for you.What do you want? A medal?Well, no, I don't. Don't playwith me like them other people.I want you to know...that I enjoy listening to your show,and I want to say, I like you Jews.Well, I like you blacks.I think everyone should own one.What I mean to say is,Uh-huh. I have manyfriends who are Jewish.Really? How many?Well, three or four.I wouldn't call that "many."They're very nice people.They're educatedand they're good in business.John, I don't know how to break this to you,but you'll never get in the B'nai B'rith.You're black. Don't you knowhow Jews feel about blacks?They hate you! They see you schwartzes onthe street, they cross to the other side.You know those slums in south Dallaswhere the rats eat babies for breakfast?Jews own those slums! What do you mean, Ilove Jews? Are you some kind of Uncle Tom?What the hell you know aboutUncle Tom? I think brotherhood...I don't care what you think!No one does!You wanna know why? Because you'retrying to kiss the master's butt.What? You call me up, try to getdeep on how much you love Jews.You're Iying. You hate them.You hate me!I don't kiss nobody's butt!Sure you do! You kiss my butt.You're kissing my butt right now.If you weren't, you'd hang up on me.I don't wanna hang up on you!Then I'll do you the favor.- Night Talk.Debbie, you're on.Barry?Mm-hmm.This is Debbie again.Oh, Debbie. Right.She of the long hair,my zombie queen, my fantasy.How are you, my belle?Bad.I've been thinkin' aboutwhat you said.I wanna ask you somethin'.Yeah?What's wrong with me?What?Chet's back. You've had Debbie on twice.I don't think you should take the call.Barry? I can handleit. Just shoot it to me.This is too important. I'm not gonna jumpthrough hoops tonight just because of this...Please,tell him to put it on.Yeah, Debbie, look,you should see the shape I'm in.I mean, nothing a good plastic surgeonor a glass of cyanide wouldn't fix.I mean, you're young. You gotyour whole life ahead of you.Why don't I go anywhere?Well, you gottastand up first.I mean, every journeybegins with a single step.You gotta go for it,pumpkin.Me and Linda used to go out,but she moved to Houston.Yeah- Heh!Listen, Debbie, Debbie.You got two arms and two legs? Yeah.Are you blind?No.You got a belly button?Yeah.Two belly buttons?No, I got one.Are you sure?Have you looked lately?Yeah. I got one.You're gonna be fine.You're gonna be just fine.And we have... Chet fromMesquite on the line. Chet?So now everyone in the countrycan hear your big mouth flap.Chet, so niceto hear from you again.Shouldn't you be out burningcrosses or molesting children?I'd rather be talking to you.How about training pit bulls?Think you're so smart.You get the packageI sent down to the station?Package?You got it, I know you did.You sent me a present?I couldn't decide whetherto use a timer or not.You'll have to find that outwhen you open it.You're telling meyou sent me a bomb in the mail?Wrapped in brown paper. I knowyou're lookin' at it right now.You just take some C-4,roll it in a pile of nuts and boltsand pebbles, and it does the job.Sounds interesting, Chet.I didn't receive your package.Sure you sent it to theright address? You got it.If I were you, I'd have my prettyassistant give the police a call.Take the bomb squadten minutes to get there.Why should I callthe bomb squad, Chet?Because some pinheaded redneck morontells me there's a bomb in my mail?He who laughs last...Shut up!Night Talk.Denise, you're on.I'm scared, Barry. Whatare you scared of, babe?Nothin' specifically,but on the other hand...it's like everywhere I go...Mm-hmm. Yeah?Barry, you know,we've got...a garbage disposal in ourkitchen sink. Yeah, it's fine.Tell Dan my mailis my business.This is not funny. You tellDan my mail is my business.You know how that feels when you haveto reach down there into that gook...and put your hand around?Who knows whatcould be down there?Dan, I hope you're not calling the cops.If you are, I'm gonna get really pissed off.Get off the phoneor I walk.There's germs you can't evensee. Don't waste my time, man.Hang it or I walk!They grow there.Hang it up! They come back up the pipes.- Salmonella, yeast, cancer, eventhe common cold. Who knows?But, Barry, even withoutall of that, what if...and I'm just sayin'what if...what if that disposal came onwhile your hand was down there?And it goes around and around- Denise, tell me something.You're telling me that you're afraid of thegarbage disposal in your mother's kitchen?Well, it's not justthe garbage disposal.I like thingsto be clean, Barry.How often doesthis happen?Couple times sinceI've been here.Like the houses on our street. Usedto be we knew who lived on our street.But that was years ago. Now alldifferent kinds of people live here...foreigners,people with accents.Are they sanitary? Whydon't you ask one of them?That would be a nice idea tojust go to somebody's house...and knock on their door,but what if a serial murdererlived there?What if Ted Bundylived there?What if he was sittin' inside watchin'television, and I came to the door?"Why, you just come right onin here, Denise, " he'd say.That's why I don't go tostrange people's houses anymore.I keep the doors locked at all times,but that's not gonna solve anything.You're not gonna stop a plane fromcrashin' onto your house, are you?No. The mailman bringsme unsolicited mail.The postage stamp could've beenlicked by somebody with AIDS.My mother's a threat to my lifejust by persistin' to go out there.- Out where? Where does your mother go?- Barry...Barry, did you know there's thisterrible dust storm in California?It has these fungus sporesin it, and these spores...get into people's lungsand their bloodstream...and it grows,and then it kills them.Strange air.Strange air, Barry.Oh, I hear my mother's keyin the door.Strange air.Well, uh...That about wraps up another thrillingepisode with the man you love to love.Gotta go home now,take care of the goldfish.Stay tuned, 'cause Monday's whenNight Talk begins national syndication,allowing the good folks of Dallasto have verbal intercourse...with the rest of the U.S.A.But don't go away yet.If you've got any psychologicalproblems or you're just plain suicidal,Dr. Sheila Fleming is here, and she'llbe glad to give you some dubious advice.Or if you're just a level headed, happy,normal person, you can turn the radio off.Until Monday, this is BarryChamplaign reminding you that...sticks and stones can break yourbones, but words cause permanent damage.# Bad to the boneB- B-B-B-Bad #It's time to strap him up and wheelhim away for his weekend therapy.But Barry Champlaign will be backwith more Night Talk Monday...on KGAB, Dallas.Barry, my man.What's happenin'?The coach is here. You're gonna saya few words and then give him the cup,and then he's gonna talk. Yeah.Now, you're gonna beintroduced by Mel in the booth.Got it.You hear the show last night?A great show.Great show.Listen, I never got that autographedpicture that you promised...so I can hang itin my restaurant.You were supposed to send it overthree weeks ago. It slipped my mind.Slipped your mind? What mind? Whatcould be more important than that Dino?I'll send it over first thingtomorrow. Don't go to any trouble.No trouble.Where is he?There he is.Stick around. You are thegreatest, Barry! All right.See you.See you later.He's a great guy, huh? Of course he is.He thinks you're God.What bit you in the ass?You're pissed' cause I tell you to geta picture for the guy, which is your job.I'm pissed because you haven't said twowords to me all week except to boss me around.We work together. That's the deal.I'm the boss. I boss you around.It's more than that. It's like you'realways angry with me. Excuse me.You're Barry Champlaign,aren't you? Yeah.Can I have an autograph?Thanks. Sure thing.Hi.Hi.Here you go.Thanks a lot.I love your show.Okay, see you later.Back in the cage.I used to listen to your showwhen I was in high school.I'm supposed to be doing my homework, and- Barry?You wanna make it outto Joe Bob, please? Sure.You should have called. I wouldhave come and tucked you in.Thanks, Barry.God bless.God bless you,Joe Bob.The show going national isimportant. Let's work together.Just be a little more carefularound this guy Dietz.This is a big thing,Barry.Right. I'm not greasingmy way up a pole.I resent it that when I talk toyou like your producer... All right.you treat melike a girlfriend,and when I talk to you like yourgirlfriend, you treat me like your wife.I'm not following the driftof this conversation.We work together, wesleep together. That's it.I didn't know when we started seeing eachother I was enrolling in a self-help course.If I'm angry,that's who I am.For better or for worse, that'swhat got me where I am today.If you think it's tough on the outside,just be thankful you weren't born me.I've gotta be out of my mindpicking a fight with you.You a little moody today?Is that the problem?Excuse me. Are youMr. Barry Champlaign?Uh, maybe.Could I have your autograph? Sure, sure.You do a great jobon the show.I couldn't do it without you. Thank you.I listen to your showall the time.I think you're a sick,foul-mouthed, disgusting man,and you make people reallynauseous 365 days a year.It just goes to show what masochistspeople are, they listen 365 days a year.I don't know why they leave yourshow on the air. Let's get outta here.Everybody I know hates it. Itmakes me wanna throw my radio out.Let's go. If you don't likethe show, why do you listen?'Cause I'm waitin' for a betterprogram that's on later.Waiting for another program? Thereare 30 other shows on in Dallas.You listen to my showevery night. Makes sense.I feel real sorry for you, and I thinkyou should be ashamed of yourself.- You're such a pathetic nerd.- I should be ashamed?At least I don't show up in public, half inthe bag, making an utter jerk out of myself.You have no credibility. Youlike what I do. You need me.But you have no sense of humor, whichis why you can never enjoy the show,which is why you're a loser, likeall people who have no sense of humor.And you are categoricallyone of them. Good-bye.- Furthermore- - Lady, whatthe hell is the matter with you?What'd you do? Whathappened to your suit? Jesus.All right,you're gonna be fine.Come on. Let's go.All of us are here for something veryimportant and exciting at S.M. U.,and I think you knowwhat I'm talking about.Who's ready for a new beginning?How about Mustang football this fall?That's what I thought.Now- Now, to introduce the new man in charge of football here at S.M.U.,our own KGAB radio personality-the man you love to love...ladies and gentlemen,Mr. Barry Champlaign!Thank you. On my wayover here tonight, I...I was finding out that...They love me.They really love me.Ladies and gentlemen,let's calm down.A different kind of welcomethan I've ever experienced.Barry?Barry!Barry.Hello? Laura, it's Dan. Is Barry there?Hang on a second.It's Dan.Hmm?Did I wake you up?I'm sorry.No, I always get up ten hoursbefore I have to go to work.It's Sunday, your day offfrom self-loathing.You said you didn't want Dietz breathingdown your