Darwinisms:
DrM
The Darwin award is given to those people who have helped improve the human
gene-pool by removing themselves from it in some amusing and deadly manner.
The following are a selection of recent winners and runners-up, some are
definitely true, some are probably true ... all are eminently believable!
San Jose, CA. March 26, 1999: 1923hrs. Police, Fire and ambulance respond on
a call for unknown medical emergency -turns out to be a DOA. Further
investigation reveals it to be a suicide. Quite successful. Further
investigation reveals thissequence of events:
27 yr old male gets a circular saw blade, cuts holes in the side to fit the
lug nuts on his car. He mounts the saw blade to oneof the front wheels in
place of the tire.
Jacks the car up with a hydraulic jack.
Starts the motor and puts something on the accelerator to spin the front
wheels.
Lays down below the spinning saw blade, which is above his neck.
Reaches out and unlocks the hydraulic jack.
And you can guess the rest.
A local man had just bought a new Ford Explorer and, in one of those
male-bonding rituals, decided to do a winter duck hunting expedition with
his buddies. So they loaded the dog, the guns, the decoys, the beer, etc.
into the vehicle and headed out to a nearby lake. It is common practice in
Michigan to drive your vehicle out onto the frozen lake. Further, it is
common (if slightly illegal) to make a hole in the ice for your decoys by
using dynamite. The young man had a stick of dynamite, but it had a short
fuse - 20 seconds. Since it is not a good idea to light the fuse, then drop
the dynamite and run (after all, you could slip and fall on the ice), he
decided to throw it instead. Sounds like the thing to do. Trouble is, after
he tosses the stick of dynamite, the dog chases after it, picks it up and
starts to bring it back, just like hes been taught. The men screamed at the
dog to drop the (lit) dynamite, to no avail. Finally in desperation, one of
the men grabs his shotgun and fires at the dog. Since the gun was loaded
with bird shot, the dog was not so much hurt as confused, so he ran and
crawled under the vehicle with the dynamite in his mouth. Needless to say,
the new Explorer is at the bottom of the lake; the insurance company refuses
to pay because it was an illegal use of explosives; and the first payment is
due at the end of the month and there are 47 more to follow.
An Iraqi terrorist , Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender"stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was killed in the resulting
explosion.
Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths
of Robert Uhlenake (24) and his friend, Ormond D. Young (27) at the
Metallica concert last Friday. Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the
Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in pickup that was on top of
Young at the bottom of a 20 ft drop. Young was found with severe
lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal
cavity.
He also had been stabbed and his pants were in a tree above him, some 15 ft
off the ground; adding to the mystery of the heretofore unexplained scene.
According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake and Young had
tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When they were unable to get
any tickets, the two decided to stay in the lot and drink. Once the show
began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between the two of them, they
hit upon the idea of scaling the 7 foot wooden security fence around the
perimeter of the site and sneak in. They apparently moved the truck up to
the edge of the fence and decided that Young would go over first and assist
Uhlenake later. They had not counted on the fact that while it was a 7 foot
fence on the parking lot side, there was a 23 foot drop on the other side.
Young, who weighed 255 lbs and was quite inebriated, had jumped up and over
the fence and promptly fell about half the 23 foot distance before a large
tree branch broke his fall AND his left forearm; unfortunately, he also
managed to get his shorts caught on the branch. Since he was now in a
lot of pain and with no way to extricate himself and his shorts from the
tree, he decided, seeing bushes down below, to cut his shorts off and fall
to the ground. Upon cutting the last bit of fabric from himself, he suddenly
plummeted to earth, losing grip of the knife. The "soft" bushes were
actually holly bushes and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts.
He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly bush branch;
effectively impaling himself. The knife, which he had accidentally released
15 ft up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. Apparently, he was
in a lot of pain. Enter his friend Robert. Uhlenake had apparently observed
the last bit of this and, despite his inebriated state, realized that Young
was in trouble. He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and
pull him up and over the fence. This was complicated by the fact that
Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend by a good 100 lbs. Again, despite his
state he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately,
because of his state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse, rather than drive,
broke through the fence, landed on Young (killing him), was thrown out of
the truck and subsequently died of internal injuries.
"So that's how a dead 255 lb man with no pants on, with a truck on top of
him and a stick up his ass came to be" said Commissioner Appleton.
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded
into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The
wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type
of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it
was and what had happened. It seems that Paul Queroli had somehow gotten
hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket)
that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for
taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the
desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO
unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The
facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967
Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the
crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted
asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have
reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds
well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional
20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have
experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full
afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the
remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight
highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20) seconds before the driver applied and
completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber
marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4
miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a
blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were
not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were
extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a
piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995 CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - Six people drowned Monday
while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern
Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well.
He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down,
police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went
in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came
to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The
bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat
Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It
survived.
Witness Frenchman Pierre Pumpille, of Lyon, who recently shunted a
stationary car two feet by headbutting it. "Women thought I was a god," he
explained from his hospital bed. Deity or not, however, Pumpille is nothing
compared to Polish farmer Krystof Azninski, who staked a strong claim to
being Europe's most macho man by cutting off his own head. Azninski, 30, had
been drinking with friends when it was suggested they strip naked and play
some "men's games". Initially they hit each other over the head with frozen
swedes, but then one man seized a chainsaw and cut off the end of his foot.
Not to be outdone, Azninski grabbed the saw and crying "Watch this then!"
swung at his own head and chopped it off. "It's funny," said one companion,
"Cos when he was young he put on his sister's underwear. But he died like a
man."
James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to
repair what police described as a farm-type truck. Burns got a friend to
drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could
ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns clothes caught on
something, however, and the other man found Burns wrapped in the drive
shaft.
"The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of 'Pumping'", a
spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this
perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood."
He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had
been rushed into the hospital's emergency room. "Most 'Pumpers' use a
standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting the nozzle far up their
rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. This act
is a sin against God."
It appears that the young Charnchai took it further still. He started using
a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, so
he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a
nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it, so, under cover of
darkness, he snuck in. Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he
inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a
result, he died virtually instantly, leaving passers-by still in shock.
One woman thought she was watching a twilight fireworks display, and started
clapping. "We still haven't located all of him", say the police authorities.
"When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly
exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or something."
"Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan,"
Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means,
but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."
(Japan Times)
Larry was a truck driver, but his life long dream was to fly. When he
graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a
pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. So when he finally
left the service, he had to satisfy himself with watching others fly the
fighter jets that crisscrossed the skies over his backyard. As he sat there
in his lawn chair, he dreamed about the magic of flying. Then one day, Larry
had an idea. He went down to the local Army-Navy surplus store and bought 45
weather balloons, and several tanks of helium.These were not your brightly
colored party balloons, these were heavy-duty spheres measuring more than
four feet across when fully inflated. Back in his yard, Larry used straps to
attach the balloons to his lawn chair, the kind you might have in your
backyard. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep, and inflated the
balloons with helium. Then he packed a few sandwiches and drinks, and a
loaded BB gun, figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to
return to earth. His preparations complete, Larry sat in his chair and cut
the anchoring cord. His plan was to lazily float into the sky, and
eventually back to terra firma. But things didn't quite work out that way.
When Larry cut the cord, he didn't float lazily up, he shot up as if fired
from a cannon! Nor did he go up a couple hundred feet. He climbed and
climbed until he finally leveled off at eleven thousand feet! At that
height, he could hardly risk deflating any of the balloons, lest he
unbalance the load and really experience flying. So he stayed up there,
sailing around for fourteen hours, totally at a loss about how to get down.
Eventually, Larry drifted into the approach corridor for Los
AngelesInternational Airport. A Pan Am pilot radioed the tower about passing
a guy in a lawn chair at eleven thousand feet, with a gun in his lap now
there's a conversation I would have given anything to have heard! LAX is
right on the ocean, and you may know, at nightfall, the winds on the coast
begin to change. So as dusk fell, Larry began drifting out to sea. At that
point, the Navy dispatched a helicopter to rescue him, but the rescue team
had a hard time getting to him because the draft from their propeller kept
pushing his home-made contraption father and farther away. Eventually, they
were able to hover above him and drop a rescue line, with which they
gradually hauled him back to safety. As soon as Larry hit the ground, he was
arrested. But as he was led away in handcuffs, a television reporter called
out, "Sir, why'd you do it?" Larry stopped, eyed the man, then replied
nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around." Yea, if you sit around too much
you usually balloon-up.
This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The Bank
thought it amusing enough to publish in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account
of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only
been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account for $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me
on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for
I am restructuring my affairs in 2000, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes. I have noticed
that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I
try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate.
You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order
that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is
no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must
quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28
digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the
playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system,
which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorised Contact at
your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me
at any time and will be answered by an automated voice.
Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
(Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is
received).
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
(Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.)
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
(Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.)
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to
access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later
date to the contact.
8. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 9
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service. While this may
on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for
the duration. This month
I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody
Guthrie:"
Oh, the banks are made of marble,
With a guard at every door,
And the vaults are filled with silver,
That the miners sweated for.
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by
heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
cost-a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay
your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will
read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will
be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my
account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured
check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a
minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well
advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your humble client,
Jules Winder
Actual Employee Evaluations
The following were taken from actual employee evaluations:
* Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom
and shows signs of starting to dig.
* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
curiosity.
* I would not allow this man to breed.
* This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more
of a definitely won't be.
* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
a rat in a trap.
* When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.
* He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
* This man has delusions of adequacy.
* He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve
them.
* This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the better.
* This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.
* Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds
it together.
* A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
* A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
* Bright as Alaska in December.
* Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it.
* Fell out of his family tree.
* The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
* This man has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
* If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.
* Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.
* If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.
* If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
* It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
* Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.
* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Idiots:
The following are a selection of complete idiot stories, apparently all
true:
Ann Arbor Idiot... The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 8:50 AM, flashed a gun
and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.
Kentucky Idiots... Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by
running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.
Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the
bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the
chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the
chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
Louisiana Idiot... A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man
pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving
the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the
drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you
money, is a crime committed?]
Arkansas Idiot... Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at
the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
New York Idiot... As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman
was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car
and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and
told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes,
Officer...that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from ."
Seattle Idiot... When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home
parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police
arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to
steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by
mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it
was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and
discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving Michaels,
age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer
apparently impaired their aim and, despite of the estimated 35 shots the
group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some
100 feet away from Mr. Michaels' deck. Determined to terminate the animal,
Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe,
intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to
ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe
and tried to ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by
wildlife, the determined Mr.Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first
approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The
subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he
had come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe
"like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness Joseph
McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right
over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he
traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a Doppler Effect to his
scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported, "Followed by a loud thud."
Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries. "It was actually pretty cool,"
Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus.
I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt."
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said
they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Middle of the Tacoma
Narrows Bridge. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men
trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the
midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil
of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around
Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40
feet before the cable tightened and pulled his foot off at the ankle. He
miraculously survived his fall into the frigid waters of the Tacoma Narrows
and Puget Sound and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say,"
said Bingham, "Is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's
just no other explanation for it." Bingham's severed foot was never located.
Darwin's Criminal selection:
RUNNER-UP # 7
Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun
and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the
cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the
counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but
he refused and said: "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber
said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't
believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his
wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that
the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber
then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the
police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the
license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
RUNNER-UP # 6
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car
phone in it.
The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that
answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car.
They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
RUNNER-UP # 5
San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into
the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this
bag."While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After
waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the
brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his
stickup note because it was written on a Bank
of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells
Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated,
the man said "OK" and left.
The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few
minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
RUNNER-UP # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed Trap that measured
his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the
mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he
sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he
received a letter from the
police that contained another picture... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly
sent the money for the fine.
RUNNER-UP # 3
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac,
Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said
the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket
could have been a gun. "Nonsense", said Christopher, who happened to be
wearing the same jacket that
day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge
discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required
a five-minute recess to compose himself.
RUNNER-UP # 2
Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a
convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant
district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of
defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the
robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I
should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then
quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20
minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.
RUNNER-UP # 1
Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing
their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit
neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for
identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into
the computer, and moments later they
arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted
for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
THE WINNER
Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop
nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Quinch
> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
> establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
> May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
> Your humble client,
> Jules Winder
Hehehe.... ubitacno!
--
"Oh, what a joker, what a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry, no matter how I try."
-Weird Al, "I remember Larry"
Master of http://members.fortunecity.com/retrograde
Part-time Cthulhu follower {also available for children's parties,
weddings and
Barmitzwahs}
Winner of the Planet Baldur's Gate Official Longest Thread Ever Contest