The Velvet Rage
Octavis Uberstine
I liked the book, but I decided to write this review because it has a fascinating relationship with many of its gay readers, for good and for bad. In the first section, I provide a summary overview of the ideas in the book; next come my own broad comments on it.
One of the best things about The Velvet Rage is that it defines its terms. Words like, shame, love, and passion are all directly defined, and this brings enormous conceptual clarity to the whole work.
Mainstream gay culture provides ample space for gay men to build a lifestyle around their shame avoidance behaviors, perpetually trapping them in stage two; Downs takes perfect note of this, and shows how an individual who grew up with shame can easily transition to an adulthood filled with it.
If you\u2019ve spent any time within mainstream gay culture1 (especially American gay culture), there\u2019s a good chance you\u2019ve heard of The Velvet Rage. It\u2019s a book many will say \u201Cyou simply must read,\u201D and those who\u2019ve read it frequently report feeling completely seen and understood. It\u2019s a book about how shame for one\u2019s sexuality manifests in life, and how to overcome that shame.
The third section of this review is, to me, the most interesting. A book isn\u2019t an inert object that automatically transmits the author\u2019s intended understanding, and The Velvet Rage that exists in the minds of many gay men is quite distinct from the actual book.
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man\u2019s World, was originally written in 2005 by the psychologist Alan Downs; in 2012 the book was revised, primarily to expand chapter 14, \u201Cthe most important chapter in the book\u201D (xvi), according to Downs, so note the publication year if you grab a used copy.
Humans often feel shame, which Downs defines as \u201C\u2026the fear of being unlovable\u201D (xii). If you feel shame about a vital part of your identity, either because you were rejected for it or because you fear being rejected for it, you might conform yourself to the expectations of others in an effort to forestall hate and keep love. Via this fear avoidance mechanism, you cultivate a psychology that relies on external validation, with all its attendant problems\u2014inability to process criticism or learn from one\u2019s own mistakes, lack of self-knowledge, and vulnerability to shame spirals .
Stage One, Overwhelmed by Shame: \u201C\u2026includes that period of time when [the gay man] remained \u2018in the closet\u2019 and fearful of his own sexuality.\u201D Downs describes how shame often originates the gay man\u2019s childhood, when he or the adults in his life recognized that he was different, and not in an approving way.
Stage Two, Compensating for Shame: \u201C\u2026describes the gay man\u2019s attempt to neutralize his shame by being more successful, outrageous, fabulous, beautiful, or masculine. During this stage he may take on many sexual partners in his attempt to make himself feel attractive, sexy, and loved\u2014in short, less shameful.\u201D Stage two comes after a gay man has come out. In a move of overcorrection, the gay man attempts to prove that he is valuable and lovable as he is; unfortunately this often means doing things others want him to do, or living up to expectations set by others. Although he is out, he remains trapped by a psychology that relies upon external validation, and can easily remain in this stage for his entire life.
Stage Three, Cultivating Authenticity: \u201CNot all gay men progress out of the previous two stages, but those who do begin to build a life that is based upon their own passions and values rather than proving to themselves that they are desirable and lovable.\u201D
The transition points between stages one and two, and two and three, require the gay man to leave behind behaviors, thought patterns, and possibly relationships, because they\u2019re not useful going forward. For example, when a gay man comes out, he might not be able to retain relationships with individuals who don\u2019t accept his sexuality. And when a gay man realizes he doesn\u2019t need the shame avoidant behaviors he cultivated in stage two, he might slowly lose friendships that are built around those behaviors.
Moving forward through stage three is an organic process that produces profound change in an individual, although forward movement is not always assured. The latter third of the book describes the challenge and reward of leaving the old, shame-based way of living behind, and navigating toward an unknown future built on self-validation and acceptance. The book\u2019s final chapter, chapter 14, is dedicated to providing concrete, actionable steps to entering and sustaining stage three.
The three-stage developmental model at the core of The Velvet Rage seems to correspond well to reality, and its explanation of how shame drives behavior seems sensible. Many gay men do report experiences that match the model, and I\u2019ve witnessed many such journeys myself. I think it\u2019s a useful framework for understanding the lives of many gay men, and helping them to individually improve their lives.
Although, as Downs says: \u201CMuch of what I write throughout the book is influenced by my own training in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)\u201D (xiv). I\u2019m not familiar with DBT, so I don\u2019t have any comments on this broader therapeutic approach; but I don\u2019t think this impacts the obvious usefulness of the three-stage model.
The only thing Downs could do to improve in this regard is provide a glossary of the key terms he defines throughout the book. At the moment, it\u2019s up to the reader to note and track when and where they appear, and I think this extra friction means many of them won\u2019t do it (honestly, a glossary probably wouldn\u2019t change things for a lot of them, but it would certainly make the work easier to digest for more people).
The central problem in The Velvet Rage is uncontrolled shame over one\u2019s sexuality, which Downs locates in the childhoods of gay men. While it\u2019s true that many gay men were rejected because of their sexuality, or alienated from at least one parent and some peers because they were \u201Cdifferent,\u201D I don\u2019t think this is the only source of shame (and resultant dysfunction) for adult gay men. In fact, I suspect that it doesn\u2019t account for a significant plurality of it. The other principal sources are individual choices and peer groups acquired in later life.
But it\u2019s quite easy for a well-adjusted individual who grew up with relatively little shame to enter this social scene and acquire shame as an adult if they\u2019re not careful. The culture of drinking, drugs, and gratuitous sex that prevails in mainstream gay culture can introduce shame into your psychology and lay new thought patterns oriented toward external validation. If you\u2019ve ever seen someone change who they are\u2014frog in slowly boiling pot style\u2014because they surrounded themselves with another group of friends, you\u2019ve witnessed the mechanism that causes this adult-onset stage two.
Many gay men have loved The Velvet Rage, and it\u2019s provided them with a great path forward in life. I\u2019m sure that Alan Downs\u2019 personal practice has done the same. If you read the book and take its words to heart, that\u2019s a straightforward and understandable outcome.
However, there is a large contingent of the book\u2019s readers\u2014many of whom I\u2019ve interviewed for this ongoing project\u2014who actively misunderstand it. This isn\u2019t Alan Downs\u2019 fault. You can write the clearest book in the world, and people will still misunderstand it for a variety of reasons.
Men focus on the portions of the book that explain why they act the way they do, and not the parts that explain how and why to fix it. These men are stage two cases in the Downs model, and they\u2019re only absorbing material that justifies their current behavior. Ironically, the book itself addresses how this can happen:
\u201CPsychotherapy with a gay man in such a crisis [being unable to ignore his past mistakes] is often difficult for the therapist. The therapist may want him to examine and learn from the mistakes of his past, but this only increases his distress and feelings of shame. Instead, what the client seeks is support for his defensive behaviors. He wants the therapist to collude with him in blaming his ex-partners, ex-bosses, or former friends.\u201D (88)
\u201CSuffering isn\u2019t a precursor for change, despite what my own story may imply. My struggle brought me to a teachable moment in life where I could finally learn to practice skills that would improve my life. You don\u2019t have to take the same road. At any point that you are willing and ready to start practicing, you can begin. Each of us makes a choice in each moment how our lives will unfold. I invite you to consider making a change for the better.\u201D (237)
Many people don\u2019t read popular books, but they\u2019ll have heard about them in conversation or on a podcast. They\u2019ll nod along as if they\u2019ve read it during party conversation, or say they have if they can get away without being questioned in too much detail.
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