Elf Bowling 7 The Last Insult
Karola Mura
(The Channel Awesome logo and the title sequence plays, then open on NC sitting in his usual spot, in his Christmas attire. But in this case, he glowers silently at the camera for several seconds, before holding up a Blu-ray disc of the movie to be reviewed: Elf Bowling: The Movie. He then turns the cover around to show the back and points to the rating the movie got: PG, after which he throws the cover down in frustration)
NC (vo): It was spread all throughout the Internet and even got picked up by other game consoles, (The covers for Elf Bowling 1 & 2 for Nintendo and Game Boy Advance appear) where it was proudly labeled as one of the most enchantingly worst games of all time. Well, the developers must have gotten the idea to do movies, because in 2007, Elf Bowling: The Movie was released to a very similar response. As the tagline asks, (The following tagline for the original game is shown...) "Can Christmas be spared?"
(The opening to Alice Through the Looking Glass is shown, with Alice as a captain of the ship. Back to the film, we're shown the pirate crew slowly packaging all the booty they've gotten...toys. This is run by the captain's first mate, Dingle)
NC (vo): ...it'd be "Alice and the Curse of the Black Coal". The ship is called "The Filthy Toe", and they hold the evilest of pirates known to man, the ones who steal toys and sell them for profit!
(To cheer up, Santa decides to play bowling on the deck, with his brother Dingle playing against him. All the pirates who were betting on Dingle pay Santa, but finding out that Dingle was secretly helping Santa win, they angrily throw them overboard)
NC (vo): In his off time, Captain Santa, non-surprisingly, enjoys bowling, but the crew finds out he's been scamming them out of money by telling his half-brother Dingle to rig the score, so they're tossed overboard.
(A gun click sound is heard, and the infamous "guns shooting" green screen effect appears, firing at the screaming NC. In the movie, the elves' toy factory is shown, which looks like a huge spinning top. After Santa and Dingle enter the factory, Lex loads all the toys inside a conveyor machine by using his crystal orb)
(A group of elves are marching towards the three, looking annoyed. Dingle grabs onto the orb, but it shocks him, and he falls, knocking the orb out of Lex's hands. It rolls and actually manages to knock all the elves down)
NC (vo): Pretty lame connection, considering the game already had a very laid-out story, but... (A photo of a little kid sleeping on the couch appears with a glass of eggnog edited in right next to it) your five-year-old's already drunk on eggnog from watching this, so who's complaining?
NC (vo): Not sure if he's dropping off presents or multicolored diarrhea, but the elves are so happy at his work that they make Santa and his brother live forever. (The cover for the fictional paper named "Plague & Disease Monthly" with a header that says "Santa Creates Cottage Industry" spins into the center of the shot) By the way, anyone else noticed this kids' film has kind of a sick sense of humor?
NC (vo): Dingle, on the other hand, kept trying to scheme people for eons and eons, and Santa kept having to bail him out. You know, after literally hundreds of years of this, would you revoke his immortality card?
(Lex finds the two tied-up elves the penguins have replaced, so Dingle is booed by the elves while Santa is declared the winner. Enraged, Dingle and the penguins plan their revenge on everybody at the bar)
(Later, Dingle knocks on Santa's door to tell him that Lex is trapped on the ice floe. Santa runs to the floe, only to discover it's actually one of the penguins. Meanwhile, the machine that was rigged by the penguins starts burning)
NC (vo): The head elf quits after being insulted, but Dingle tells Santa he ran out onto the ice and needs to be saved. Santa finds out he's been fooled, and machine at the workshop has a few...um, hiccups.
(Dingle writes a fake note that says "All elves stink, especially Lex! Sincerely, Santa" and leaves it on Santa's door. The elves look distraught, but then see Dingle and the penguins doing a dance that is...suggestive, to say the least)
NC (vo): You know what doesn't have a song in this? Elf bowling. The name of the goddamn movie and, apparently, what this story is about! But everything is so forced and impractical, you're probably reenacting Edvard Munch's Christmas card here.
(The rest of the song sequence is rewinded. Just as Santa arrives in Fiji, Dingle uses the orb to make the stone heads on the island come alive and turn into humanoid creatures that bury Santa in the sand, leaving only his head. Lex sees his former boss)
NC (vo): It probably goes without saying, but this is not a very good film. Its humor is either too childish for adults, too adult for children, or too stupid for both. The animation isn't that great, though, weirdly, I can't say it's the worst Christmas animation I've seen, and it just feels like it was written in minutes to cash in on an already fading zeitgeist. It's not the worst Christmas special, but it's so disoriented and lazily written, that there's very little to get out of it. It's not the worst waste of time, but it's definitely not a fun waste of time. It's just a waste of time.
NC: And that's it for December. (looks around) As well as this studio, too. I hope you guys have a really good year, and whatever changes come your way, I hope you make the best of them. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
(He gets up and leaves...to the completely empty room which was used for the props to pick up his regular jacket that was hanging on a doorknob. As NC goes to the exit door, changing into his regular jacket and carrying the Christmas one, it's revealed that the main room of the studio is also empty. NC turns the lights off, gives one final look to his former residence...and closes the door. After the echo of the door closing fades out, the end credits roll)
Santa Christ (vo): Ho, ho, ho! Did he forget to have a December without Santa Christ? Aww. And I had a good story arc and everything. I headed to a wormhole in the sky and woke up in 1961 as Bobo the astro chimp. I had to make sure this budding astronaut made the space program, or I'd die under cruel animal testing. I had to drink caterpillar juice, and crap myself, and fumble through space testing, and everything! (Beat) But I guess that wasn't good enough for you, was it? Ho-ho, I guess. Wait till Mrs. Christ hears about this.
It's become a tradition for me to insult Oklahoma every year on the day before the big game with Texas. And for OU fans to respond by telling me how sophomoric I am and to ask whether they really pay me for writing this stuff.
I'm tired of this twisted relationship. I'm embarrassed by the time-worn, disparaging jokes I've told about Oklahoma. Like the one about the man who has six months to live and goes in to ask his doctor for advice.
Seems like good medical advice. But you won't catch me using that sort of material this year as we prepare to gather Saturday to see if our Texans can beat Oklahoma's Texans in football. Half the stadium will be orange, half the stadium will be red, and half the Oklahoma roster will be from the Dallas suburbs. So this year, having aged like fine wine and become a more mature, humanistic person, I've decided to take a more benevolent approach and point out the finer things about Oklahoma.
Another good thing about Oklahoma is that our border with Oklahoma, unlike the one with Mexico, is relatively safe. So we don't have to worry about Okies coming over here and stealing our jobs. And this isn't entirely because there's nobody smart enough in Oklahoma to hold down a roofing position.
I should mention that Oklahoma is the site of many fascinating tourist attractions, such as the bowling ball fence and shed in Nowata, Okla. The entire display contains nearly 1,400 bowling balls, and the fence has 108 bowling balls.
"Made a little bowling ball shed," said Chris Barbee, 67, who put up the display in his front yard. "It's got 344 bowling balls, and 140 pins up on the roof. Then we have a pool table with bowling balls painted like pool balls." Admission is free.
Here's a biggie: Oklahomans are extremely loyal to their Sooner football team. Heck, they'll pack the Cotton Bowl way before the game even starts and just sit there in the stands, like something's happening. This is because the furniture in the stadium is much fancier than the stuff they've got on the porch back home.
Did I mention what an advantage it is during the holidays if all of your relatives are from Oklahoma? If they are, it means you can do most of your Christmas shopping at one location: the Travel Center of America.
Knowing my place within the bowling industry as an accomplished bowler and knowing what I represent as a person, I take questions like these very seriously. It's something I think about daily. It's important that I choose my words carefully, make sure that what I say is accurate by using facts and logic rather then just having an opinion born out of emotion like so many others. I like to have fun and for the most part I stay out of some of the petty discussions that really hurt our sport.
That being said, I just couldn't stay on the sidelines with everything that's been said in the last couple days. There are some who want to trample the sport I love and the way in which I compete. I think this sport has much to offer today and so, here a some thoughts.....
I do not want to go too far in talking about technology in bowling other then to say, I trust the experts of today. The manufacturers, the USBC, the PBA all have smart people who are working in these areas, far smarter than I, and I have to trust in their direction. I do not have time at this point to obtain and research the factual data I want about technology in bowling and the positives it has on bowling or the skills/talents it takes to use/adjust with equipment to be a better player. I plan to look into it more however.
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