…oh my GOD what a trip. I just came back from being in a psychiatric ward for 2 weeks (my brother thought I was overdosing). It was HORRIBLE – but I did find time to write an e-mail while I was in there… tell me what you think? Just a note – this was an e-mail I made out to a banker at my old bank while I was VERY medicated. I don’t know what kinda crack I was smoking when I offered you my precious AOL Version 3.0 diskette – I must apologize. Soooo…. Here’s the SHOW!
***BEFORE I BEGIN*** This e-mail contains grammar that is correct, but it may be… difficult to follow. Try to keep up with the grammar, I assure you it’s proper and if you know how to read English correctly, you shouldn’t have any trouble reading this VERY short e-mail. Just remember the rules of proper English Grammar and you’ll be fine 😊
Hey dude! It’s Dr. Kiel Young! 😊 😊 😊 Do you miss me?
Yeah… bet you don’t even friggin remember me. Here’s a clue…
Do you remember NOW? Hmm… think rich guy (REALLY rich – like 7… no I think 8 (at the time at least, today I am worth SUBSTANTIALLY MORE) dollars in JUST my savings!) with a really hot girlfriend (did you meet her? Let me REFRESH your memory… I TOTALLY have a picture of her. Hang on. Let me surf the net. To get into my remote picture website. Here we are -
There she is! Oh yeah… her name! Uh… *staring at windows 10 screen and thinking, thinking, thinking, windows 10…* CORTANA! Yeah that’s Cortana! (Seriously, I use Cortana SO much – I can’t remember what using a computer without voice commands is like anymore)
Anyways, I just wanted to drop you a line, to tell you I miss you. Since you aren’t THERE anymore (THERE being at my local Wells Fargo! Honestly, YOU are SELFISH! Not working at MY store so you can serve me… you should start thinking of me more and you less!) , I have to deal with a jerk named Demetrik Cousin now. WHAT IN THE HECK KIND OF NAME IS COUSIN!? That’s a person you marry when you are in the South! Nah, the dude is totally great, he and his wife Virginia just had a really ugly boy, I gave him a present (of course) for little Elias Cousin… And I taught him how to raise his child. I gotta get a temporary card cuz my other card has become hostile towards me. Bet you didn’t even KNOW they could do that did you? Oh yeah, I got another new one already, and THIS one has a CHIP inside it to make it harder to h4x (if you aren’t interweb friendly, that means hack – more or less. And yes, I know it’s internet, but interweb is just so much more… me). I used it the other day for the first time. It took about 4 minutes. That isn’t really a long time, right? Well, yes and no. It is an ETERNITY for a SINGLE cashier, trying again and again, pressing different buttons, swiping and reswiping, sweat beads forming on her brow… It took so long (all 4 minutes) that a line formed behind me which I didn’t notice (that wouldn’t be unusual, but this was at RITE AID – You know, the store that NEVER has ANYONE in it?). I was so fascinated by the poor teen (it HAD to be her first job) trying in vein to figure out a system that she was clearly not trained to use, that I neglected to hear the various sighs behind me. Eventually I glanced behind me (I’m a nervous guy – gotta check for stalkers (the male kind. Girl stalkers are really OK, and my girlfriend Megan… uh I mean Cortana said its okay if we do it with another chick. Yup, she TOTALLY is cool with it! Yeah dude! Oh yeah, and she said she would be okay with 10 chicks! *THUMBS UP* HECK YEAH!) So anyways, I glanced behind and I saw a line. It was long. VERY long. Not long for Rite Aid… Long for… say… the DMV. She could STILL not figure out how to make it work. It was kind of sad watching her try to make it work. I felt so sad for her cuz when I was walking out I counted. 9 people in a Rite Aid drug store line. Let me spell that. Nine. That’s so much, you know what? I’m feeling so DANGEROUS, and that is simply too many people, I’m gonna up-case it. NINE PEOPLE! ONE 15 year and 5 day old cashier vs 9 people. Well I felt responsible in a way, but mostly I just wanted to hug her and tell her life gets BETTER (I mean, the younger they are, the easier it is to lie to them, am I right? “Life gets better”, - what a crock of crocodile soup! That is the equivalent of saying in bed “No way honey, I don’t want you for your body and the fact that you just turned 18 yesterday, are double jointed in every socket, and have no gag reflex! *The lights dim, and the 2 players take their positions in bed. After clearing his throat the announcer starts to speak and dictate what is going on for those of us who are listening in on the radio or reading the transcript in an e-mail, or are just clueless as to what’s happening. “Good evening ladies, gentlemen, and Jeremy; we are in for a treat tonight! This will be a very intense game, each move tactically advancing, defending; there will be blood, sweat, tears, and possibly pregnancy, but lets hope for the best of everything! Okay, I see that everything is ready, and yes, the game of Bed Chess has officially begun. While White is a familiar player, a 30+ year veteran of the bed and considered a grandmaster, Kiel, returning for another game, Black is unranked as of yet. Brandi, a newcomer to the bed, looks to be a possibly challenging opponent, even for a grandmaster. Truly history may be made, and whatever happens, we know that we will all have a good time in bed tonight. This may be her first game, but we have no confirmation on that. We can be assured of a very unusual game tonight though, as is any game with a grandmaster versus an unranked player, anything can happen. Okay, quiet now please, white has begun and moves, the clock has started… ah, white played the traditional standard opening book “Snuggle Style” For Those of you who aren’t as familiar with Bed Chess, the opening book called Snuggle Style comes from the fact that it depends heavily on women’s love of snuggling and white will make moves very slowly and not over extend his position too quickly so black doesn’t defend against the initial loss of pieces, blocking white from taking anything further. Again, the gambit is that white relies on black not caring that as she loose pieces and gets more and more in a state of undress with each piece loss, because black is being held in a way that overwhelms her king from properly avoiding checks, and to put it simply, white cuddles with black, sweet talks to her, and holds her close. It is vital that white does not attempt to mate at all in the opening and middle game, which makes black so blind to white’s moves, slowly capturing pieces, because once again, white is relying on black’s ignorance of the whole board and is oblivious to her own positioning. After all let’s face it, they are BOTH getting what they want. And as Black is in a state of content, the loss of a pawn here and there, then a knight, then a bishop, being careful not to do something as bold as threatening a queen she simply doesn’t realize she’s slowly becoming naked. Then, as black and white both loose their pieces and the clothes come off, and black still remains ignorant to the position of the board and her essential pieces as a result of it, and in this case, white is relying heavily on the fact that the intimacy provided by the closeness and the innocence of just snuggling that every woman deeply wants that the moves white is making may bother them under normal conditions, where as long as they are emotionally happy, their higher rated pieces are safe, and they begin to capture as black quite frankly becomes overwhelmed by Whites moves. Will Black fall for Whites Gambit, or will Black play the dreaded “It’s that time of the month” against white, to which there is, as of 6,000 years of recorded Bed Chess games, not a single instance of a successful mating for white, and Black ultimately watches the proud tall majestic white proud King Fall down. Many people consider this strategy to be unfair and cheating, because there is no way to win against it, but as of yet, it still remains a tactic used from time to time. The first move of this particular opening book Well, I mean, I don’t JUST want you for that. *snuggles closer* I am into your mind! You have the mind of a drum stick! *loosens belt (does it matter if its yours or hers? K – new rule. You are Yoda only you look like a human, and you are using the Jedi Mind trick thingy so she doesn’t notice you are totally naked (why are women so freaked out if they walk in on you naked the first time if they have never seen you naked before? I don’t get it. And it is NOT JUST ME! I have multiple sources verifying this FACT. I am TOTALLY okay walking in on HER the first time. What is up with that?) ((Back to Yoda) Speaking of things that are Lucas… I mean Disney (LOL – well at least he’s a few BILLION dollars richer. Would you have done it? I mean if you made Star Wars, would you have eventually sold it for a few billion dollars? I wouldn’t. I mean, there is only so much money you need. WTF is he gonna do all with that money? Does he NEED it for something? Well whatever, its his……. well it WAS his to sell… (what did you think of episode 7? I am in LOVE! It is my favorite in the series now, replacing 3, which replaced 5)), I have a BB8 that rolls around – it is so freaking cute! He works with my tablet and computer, he does so many things, and, once again, HE IS CUTE!!!* Yes hugglepuss, the mind of a drum stick is totally a compliment. *Off come the shoe’s and socks* I can’t WAIT to do stuff with you! *Shirt is gone* Like… like… uh, like studying for your courses that you signed up for at the community college! I just KNOW that *suppressing laughter* golf management is going to make you a better person. As if that’s possible! *At this totally suave compliment, she totally goes for your junk and takes off her clothes and *SWITCHES CHANNEL* GOD DARNIT! I thought I deleted that stupid porn channel….. BTW you do realize that this is still in parenthases, right? And yes, Golf Management IS a college course you can take. Check out the University of Birmingham / Florida Gulf Coast University! “And now for something completely different”), so I decided to buy her a rose (they had some cheep roses in single packs) and a bar of chocolate (a 50 cent Hershey’s bar – but chocolate is chocolate) and tell her that I thought she was doing a great job. Remember, I have NOTHING to do ALL day. So I do stuff like this or its back at home in my freaking AWESOME room (it really is amazing – I have it decorated and have so many cool things in it that you just have to look at, I am not kidding! It really is dope. My family, when we have company, always ends up bring up the subject over dinner “Hey Kiel, why don’t you show John\Jane your room! I know He\She will LOVE it!” and the reaction is ALWAYS the same. “Oh my god”) and play my computer with its state of the art hardware that runs ANYTHING at 300 FPS with enough games to last an apocolypse. (SERIOUSLY! Wanna take a guess at how many games I have? I collect games actually – I LOVE gaming! I um… well its embarrassing really so I’m not going to give you the EXACT number. But I have enough games that if you were to write the number down – it would be 4 digits. And my custom computer\sound system\custom display costs more then most people’s car) Call of Duty? Check. The Witcher? Check. League of legends? Check. GTA 1,2,3,4,5? Check. How about GTA 6!? Preordered. Bose sound system? Check. SURROUND SOUND Bose sound system? Check. 3D MONITOR? Check. Hi Definition 3D Monitor? Check. BIG SCREEN? Check. Hmm… Virtual reality? Check. …ah HA! What type of VR (I got you now...) Occulus Rift or HTC-Vive? Heh. Well, why should you have to make a choice? BOTH are mounted on the head of a maniqan, ready to be picked up and put on at a moments notice. 😊 Yes, I have the ultimate entertainment experience. I say entertainment, because you can watch T.V. on my display (which is ACTUALLY a customized 3D UHDTV hooked up to *ahem* ONE of my customized graphics cards – computer monitors are Simply not hi-def or big enough for me) listen to music (I have several sound systems in my home actually, but after trying several, I decided to go with the best – Bose Surround is capable of making noise that can torture my Neighbor…ing State 😉) As for VR I opt for the Vive but I have both cuz some games are occulus rift only which is annoying, but frankly the Vive has better resolution, better controls, and best of all, has motion tracking, so you can move around in your game by moving in real life. It is something that you MUST experience – it is something like the first time you… well… you get the idea 😉
Wait. I’m talking about a girl and giving her a rose and chocolate. So I get BACK in line 😊 Like I said, I have time to kill. I glance at my watch. Time passes. I mess around on my mini-tablet (I had a regular sized tablet, but when it came to upgrade, I simply refuse to buy a cell phone. For a VERY good reason! I don’t use them. I find them rude, distracting, annoying, and expensive. I already HAVE a girlfriend. 😝 J\K But I DID want something I could use on the go, so I decided to get a smaller 8 inch by 5 inch tablet (my previous one was HUGE – too big actually. I think apple got it right with the ORIGINAL I-Pad. But I like my tablet. HOWEVER I need a new one. Mine is an ENTIRE GENERATION old! That is like, almost a year! And who doesn’t love pressing the power button for the FIRST time and setting up everything JUST the way you like it. Its like a hot cup of coffee. Or taking another Adderall. 0: ) ), time goes by (we are talking about rite-aid) and the line gets shorter and shorter until its just me. She greets me, and I can see in her “Deer in the headlights stare” that she has no idea that she’s ever seen me before. I said something like “Hey, I saw what a shitty night you’ve been having, and I just wanted to say I think you are doing a great job. This isn’t a cheep pickup line, I’m being totally honest, you are working really hard, and I think you are going to be really good at whatever you decide to do with your life. I’d like to buy these – for you. Trust me – it gets easier really quick. I come here a lot so I’ll probably see you again – my name is Kiel, but don’t worry if you don’t remember my name, I TOTALLY understand. Just look at the rose, smell it, take a bite of chocolate, and close your eyes while there aren’t any customers – don’t worry, I’ll wait here and make sure no one sneaks in – and think, before long you will be relaxing, and spending that big-assed pay-check!”
She looked SO happy it was ridiculous – I mean, I’m spending like 2 dollars on her, but it looks like the entire DAY has been erased and she is just simply and completely content and happy. That look – it’s worth 500 dollars… 2 dollars is a small price to pay. So I’m feeling pretty good, pretty suave, she’s happy, and 2 things happen at the same time. I look at my watch again and realize that it took her a little over 35 minutes to serve the customers in line – and the other thing that happens which makes me want to scream and cry is I remember my many eccentricities. For instance… I NEVER carry cash. *sigh* So… what else can I do? I look her in the eyes and try not to notice the raw hate that flushes away the happiness as I pull out my credit card, and we begin the long, tedious process which has driven us both crazy once again… for a rose and a candy bar. Smooth Kiel. Real smooth. Not only am I sure she will remember me, I am sure I will avoid her like the PLAUGE LOL. Isn’t it the EFFORT and THOUGHT that count? So 10 minutes later, I’m back in my car again, shaking my head at how funny life is.
Well I just wanted to drop you a line, and say that I hope your comic-book font art is going well – any pictures would be ULTRA tight, and I really hope that where-ever you are, Wells-Fargo is treating you the way you deserve to be treated. Check out touchofmodern.com to see where I get a lot of the stuff in my room – that’ll give you an idea of my taste. And it is a TOTOALLY dope website. I go there every day and spend about 500$ A MONTH there – I LOVE IT! The only downside – on average it takes about 3 – 4 WEEKS before your product arrives. But they have totally unique stuff that has JUST my taste. So stay cool, kill cock-roaches, be kind to blind people, and do NOT pet dogs, even if they don’t bite.
Please don’t ask.
Oh, BTW – how exactly do fraud claims get handled? I had to submit a fraud claim recently, and I was surprised – I know that Wells-Garfo claimed they would re-imberse fraud, but they really did pay every penny! I was expecting fee’s and delays and such – it only took about 4 days or so, and considering it was around 200$, I was really friggin impressed! So if you could tell me the do’s and don’ts of fraud claims, I’d appreciate it – I saw a discrepancy in a bill I got from an online retailer and was thinking of filing again, but I don’t want to go to jail or anything… When I was on the phone with claims, they said fraud happens VERY often, so that makes me feel a LITTLE better, but what exactly are the rules? Any tips on how I should handle this?
One Last Thing. I wanted to show you my Tatoo.
Keep cool Jeremy.
Your Friend and Boss (MY MONEY FREAKING PAYS YOUR SALERY SO YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT I SAY BIT@#!),
Dr. Kiel Young, C.Ph.T., Pharm.D., (RET), Adventurer, Gentleman, and Generally Relaxed Nice Guy
CEO Of Kiel Young’s Big Boy Deep Salvage, Metulurgy, and Really Wild Stuff Inc.
**END OF E-MAIL**
I met this guy ONCE – and I send him this kind of letter. So if I appeared off, I probably was. Thanks for taking the time to e-mail me back dude! Keep HOTU alive!
Sent from Mail for Windows 10
Sent from Mail for Windows 10