Second gathering for adult opposite sex twins
Olivia Lousada
THE SECOND GATHERING OF ADULT OPPOSITE SEX TWINS 26/1/13
These notes set out to give a flavor of those discussions.
A support group
This is a support group, the beginning of a network that could extend to other parts of the country and countries. So it was agreed to put these thoughts on the website. We also included a photo of the group.
Some issues that influence the context of this group
The Twin and Multiple birth Association (Tamba) has be operating so long it now has twins who are grown up and may have much to offer in terms of understanding of twins.These twins are also becoming parents so will contribute to the understanding of twins as parents in the future.
Oliver Shirley hopes to carry out a doctoral research around psycho/social studies with adult opposite sex twins through narrative methodology.
Psychotherapists
tended to be experienced as helpful but not understanding the twin in the
self. This is beginning to change. Vivienne Lewin is among those who being
able to recognize and name the twins experience through her work with twins in The
Twin in the Transference
.V. Lewin 2004. London, Whurr Publishers. Others are found in Hidden Twins. O. Lousada. 2009 London, Karnac. www.hiddentwins.com.
Questions were raised
The main issues that arose at this gathering included quite a number of questions that could not be answered as yet. The distance of the other twin in another country seemed quite frequent. Was this an influence on those who chose to attend?
Twinning with others
These twins recognized that some try to twin with people they meet, and can then get too close and withdraw. Jessica Benjamin holds that recognition by another is the essential requirement for having a sense of self. To that extent we are all dependent on each other. (ref. Benjamin, J. 1988. Bonds of Love. New York. Pantheon Books). This is of particular importance in the understanding of the nature of twinship.
Three cornered relationships
The first gathering had focused on abandonment but in this second gathering three cornered relationships, involving other members of the family, friends lovers or marital partners became a focus of discussion. Twins often feel ambivalent about their co-twin and others with whom they have a twin-like relationship. Is it possible to experience wholehearted ambivalence in these circumstances?
It seemed difficult to know how to be with a married partner opposite you when you expect them to be beside you as an ‘us’, like twins. In short they did not know who to kill dragons to win their desired object in another. There was one married twin in the group, one had a partner and three were single.
Addiction
There was quite high incident of addiction in the history of these twins.
Was this typical? Was addiction a way of avoiding attachment, trying to find attachment or both? Was the addiction attached to the twin dynamics ,family dynamics, or parental dynamics or all or none of these? Was being very sure what career line was to be pursued also a form of addiction versus a twin who did not know what they would do? Was addiction an obsession, compulsion or escape from the conundrum of twinship so that one twin remains sane whilst the other is not? There is a struggle for some to be themselves as twins and not a false self that is not twin so could they be turning to doing something obsessively?
The outcome of Good or not so good twin bonding
There was recognition that if there was good twin bonding a twin could go into the world and not feel lonely, but if there was an unsatisfactory bonding that would influence the sense of self in the twin and their capacity to be solitary. At worst this raised a lack of not being sure of existing without being able to hear or feel the heart beat of the 'other'.
Heart beats
This lead to discussion about the place of resonance versus identification or attachment and to heart beats in the womb. Did the heart beats of twins in or out of the womb match each other? Were they in synchronicity with the heart beat of the mother? Would a single foetus hear the heart beat of mother? What did twins hear? Was this part of the early learning in infancy and in the womb that could lead to implicit understanding between the twins? Could this overrule the geographic separations that could have the twins very far apart?
One twin felt his twin sister spoke up for him as a child and he grew up to support her. Some twins had not got on in childhood but due to circumstances changing had re-found each other and a new relationship. It was recognized that the twin was closer than the mother.
Death of a twin
The fear of one twin dying was like a limb being cut off, and unimaginable.
Twins as parents
There was discussion of twins being parents and how they behaved to their children as if they were twins. They recognized that parents, especially mothers had had a very hard time managing twins. Some had been depressed, or had premature babies they were not allowed to hold. This was terrible for all concerned. The mother also did not know which child to attend to and did not have enough love, milk or energy to go round. This could put twin babies at risk. For example, one could be fed and not the other one. Shortage of adult care has been pursued by the research work of Pat Preedy in her video work on the importance of touch for the development of twins.
Touch and love
The men expressed how their feelings at boarding school had been repressed, "Feelings are not what got people through the war.' Hence feelings were repressed and squandered instead of being a resource that could be used. The gathering ended with wondering about touch, and feeling loved and valued, whilst their twin did not want this type of intimacy for long.
One twin’s reflection on this article
I find your summary and the thoughts raised quite thought provoking, it certainly brought up questions around attachment in all kinds of relationships from parental to romantic, and even with addiction. I think the start of this group fills a gap, and meets a need for those involved, people felt understood in a way that those who do not share the experience cannot understand.
The third group is planned
The discussions were felt to be so intriguing a further date was planned for Saturday May 18th at the same venue in north London.
Please see www.hiddentwins.com
Checked by the group after compilation
Olivia lousada
Jean
On Monday, 15 April 2013 09:13:24 UTC+1, Olivia Lousada wrote:
This is fascinating. I have realized over the years that I bond deeply with individual friends and set up lots of dyads as relationships, easier than larger group friendships. I sometimes realize that I am seen as a special friend, but have lots of them. It's as if I keep them compartmentalized. I'm not complaining, I am aware that this intensity is possibly my way of ensuring bonding. I wonder how much this is a twinning with my brother or a desperate attempt to attract 'mother' attention in the sense that twins have to make sure they get their (fair) share of mother! My brother is a shadow-figure in comparison with my outgoing nature, and I apparently took on the mother role with him, even when we were at nursery school! I am now more mindful of the tendency to slip back into this role (he is single and isolated), and I have a twin as a partner and a male child. There's lots of food for thought in this write-up of the last session, which sadly I could not make. I intend to get to the next one.
Olivia Lousada
--http://www.hiddentwins.com/
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