An article about the first gathering for adult opposite sex twins

[Olivia Lousada]

The First Gathering Of Adult Opposite Sex Twins

(also known as boy girl twins, twins of different gender, or non identical twins)

 

My focus has been on adult opposite sex twins and what they can teach us in the light of so many more twins being born. When I was little as an opposite sex twin there were no organisations such as Tamba. Tamba is doing a wonderful job in promoting the support of parents with young multiples. It is my hope that the light that this work throws on adult twins will facilitate the care of little ones as well as provide a growing network of support for adult twins.

 

To this end, further to my book, ‘Hidden Twins’ I set up a meeting for adult opposite sex twins. On 22-23^rd September 2012 the first

gathering of adult opposite sex twins took place in London. This meeting is to be followed by a second meeting on Saturday, January 26^th 2013,

to develop a network and the way forward. 

 

This article summarises what was surprising at this historic meeting; that was promoted by an article in the Guardian and an interview on

the BBC World service/weekend, both of which can be found on  www.hiddentwins.com.

 

Surprisingly there was a small group of 8 twins attending, two of whom were a twin pair.  There were two men and six women all of middle age.

Thus seven twins were absent. It was curious how small this group was in view of the amount of opposite sex twins there are.  Beyond the political,

financial influences was this because it is a private relationship and either seen as not important or causes discomfort?  It is for these reasons that this

endeavour sets out to start to normalize a remarkable phenomena.  Unsurprisingly the people who came forward are those who are not entirely at peace

with themselves. It is usually these people that shine a light into shadows to find the pearls. Here are some highlights.

 

They discovered that most of the group were the younger twin. All the births were less than 20 minutes a part.

One twin had found that she was the older twin, so up to the age of 11 she had behaved as the younger twin. 

Of seven pairs three of the twin brothers lived in different countries. One twin sister lived three hours away from her twin and two pairs of twins lived in London and one twins brother had died in infancy.

Two twin brothers were very seriously ill but one has recovered and returned to work. Two twins had had psychiatric support.

Several of the mothers of these twins had not been well, physically and emotionally, during the early infancy or childhood of these twins;

I have never thought about whether my mother’s very long term illness, which could  resulted in overstraining her heart,

was psychological and if there is any truth in that, what impact it had on me as an opposite sex twin.

The male twin tended to be the preferred twin and had high expectations placed upon him that he could not achieve.

This may be because he was of a gentler nature whilst his twin sister was able but not given equal value.

There was female shame at success and fear of undermining their twin. They all had little idea as to the impact they had on their twin.

Separation.

Separation was the greatest source of concern, and by contrast, the attachment that was so difficult to talk about.

The intimacy that opposite sex twins, like all twins, are conceived into cannot be eradicated. There was a dread of the loss of twin,

either due to ill health, addiction, being sent to different schools, or living abroad. The dread of separations seemed to be where the fighting started;

It felt like a deep chemical reaction of separation that was more intense than with the other family members.

There was something special, the gap beside the self, the incompleteness of the self, so the striving to work hard to find something

compensating as a strategy for surviving.

However the loss of a twin was not of the same calibre as the loss of a son. A father, in the group, would have taken his son’s place.

Much as he would hate to loose his twin sister he thought he would not be ready to die for her survival.

 

Living relationships.

There was quite a jumble of relationship concerns. Here are snapshots of some of the comments made

-It was thought that I was more assertive (girl twin), and pushy, but I think I was a hard worker and shy. I think I shy away from conflict,

and have no negotiating skills.’

-I hate conflict and I am no good at it, especially with my twin.

-With sexual partners I have had an intimacy with men as pals like my twin brother.

-I have held back from being girly.

- I had rows with my son like I had with my twin when I was a child.

-I found myself calling my twin by my son’s name, and my son by my twin’s name.

-Did siblings and parents feel jealous of the twin relationship?

Reciprocity seemed difficult to learn, or to expect to receive as an opposite sex twin.

 

The value was this event.

The morning went with a ‘whoosh’. The group were tumbling over each other to share so much, and to satisfy their curiosity.

The desire to be together and not separate was apparent from the start.  When I suggested there could be separate sex discussion groups

and then come back to share afterwards this was not welcomed. They preferred to be with the opposite sex and stay together. 

They wanted to stay in a shared space and were not ready to give space to one person. There was an incredible intimacy talking and an hesitance around taking individual space. This for any new group is to be expected but had a special intensity in this group. There was a strong desire to re-meet.

They had become more conscious of their twin ship rather than bumbling through. They were more aware of the needs

to explore being an opposite sex twin.  Something needs explaining.  They needed more time to think about the relationship

they had to other members in their family as well as their twin.

There were odd things that seemed constant.  They were surprised that as a group, they were non conformists.

The women all felt they were non conformist, going off to explore, turning over the establishment, exploring what others were not exploring.

They wondered if this connected to the security of twin ship or/and were they getting away from the culture, family or/and the dynamics or their twin? 

This seemed to fit with the  experience of a gap they tried to fill.

 

Seeds have been sown, and future activity will be announced on the website.

You can see the Guardian article and radio interview for BBC World service/weekend, also on the web;

www.hiddentwins.com/ home page.