Oct 26, 2021, 9:52:18 AM10/26/21
How to Seduce a Coder
A beginner’s guide to bedding a techie.
I’m thinking the next guy I date should be a tech whiz, not some entry
level programmer at a bank, but a tech guy with some seed money who
might soon be a billionaire if his ideas pan out.
Then I can retire from whoring myself out on medium for yucks and
claps and whatever they call it now oh yeah — reader engagement —
and I can just sit around being philanthropic with his (or her!) money.
(Definitely could be a her — a Marissa Mayer type. Or that kookie
Theranos lady. Oh wait, is she in jail? I’ll have to Google it.) Speaking
of Google, I guess that one billionaire likes to cheat, what’s his
name, Sergei? He could cheat with me. I’m not looking for a husband,
folks. I’m looking for some coin. Or bitboin. I don’t care. Moolah.
That’s what I want, and that’s what these tech boys got. Silicon Valley
happy hour, here I come!
I know the stereotype is that the guys are nerds but that’s not true
anymore. Some of them are actually quite hot, and even if they are
nerds, maybe with a little skin cream or a gym membership you could
whip one in shape.
If like me you’d like to land a coder with some serious potential
upside, here’s a handy guide to help you get things going smoothly.
A joke to crack the ice
Say you’re at a party and you meet this computer guy who checks some
of the boxes aforementioned, hot or not, but he’s got some ambition
and he seems like one day he could be a billionaire.
After he tells you he’s a coder, you say, in a self-deprecating tone,
“Oh, I got a C minus in C plus.”
I know a few of you don’t even understand that joke because let’s
face it computers are a pain in the ass, but Tech Guy will love it.
Because btw, he got an A plus plus in C plus plus. And he’s just the
kind of overachiever who is going to be your ticket to a private jet
and your own vineyard in Napa. And probably a stable full of horses
too — like special horses from Mongolia or something.
Make your pass
Computer programming is so boring, though, that you don’t wanna spend
a lot of time making chit chat at the party. You want to cut to the
“I’d love to fiddle with your code,” you say to him. He gets it. He’d
love to fiddle with your code, too. Too bad you don’t have any code.
Wait a minute, you do have a code — to your garage door opener. Here’s
what you say.
“I’ll give you my garage door code. And then you can park your big
car in my garage. You know, slide it right on in.”
No, that’s not going to work. He drives an electric bicycle. He cares
about climate change.
“I care about climate change, too,” you can tell him. “That’s why
I fly to Cabo every winter. For some climate change.”
He might not get that. Some computer programmers are very earnest.
And others have a very dark sense of humor. It’s rare that you will
find one with a regular funny bone. They are all a little “different.”
Never mind. Stick with me, you can do this.
Separate him from the herd using the force
If you see his eye wandering to some other babes at the party, put
on your Obe-Wan Kenobe voice.
“Those are not the droids you’re looking for,” say to him.
He’ll most likely repeat robotically: “Those are not the droids I’m
Then when he turns back to you, tell him: “You can go about your business.”
Make it clear what his “business” is by grabbing his hand and putting
it on your butt.
But don’t call his penis a lightsaber.
That’s pushing the whole Star Wars thing too far. There are tech guys
nowadays who kinda resent that stereotype so it’s best not to overdo
And do not, I repeat not, refer to your pussy as your Wookie, even
if it is a little hairy and overgrown this week.
Back at your place
You’ve got him back to your place and it’s time to undress.
“Let’s take off my console and install your hard drive,” you could
tell him. I know, this computer humor gets laborious. But picture
the helicopter ride over the Grand Canyon that you are your bridesmaids
take the day before the wedding. It will make it all worth it.
Then as goes to put it in, you’ll want to let him know that it’s going
to be protected sex.
“I don’t want to overclock my motherboard,” you inform him.
If he’s too small or too big, you can stop the whole proceeding by
simply declaring: “Size Error.” He’ll get it, even if you don’t, which
you probably don’t. Let’s face it, hot babes like you never learned
Cobalt. And one thing you’re not, I know, is a “Basic” bitch. And
the only “Python” you know about is the one lurking in his Y-fronts
(that’s British for jockey shorts, doncha love it?)
If he loses his erection, no worries. Just say, “Let’s try rebooting,”
and then go down on him. Don’t lose heart. He’s probably just getting
nervous. Nervous like he will be on the day his company finally goes
public and he rakes in fifty bill. This is good training for that
happy day in both of your lives.
He might put it in the wrong place. In that case, just say, “That’s
not the USB port, dummy. You’re going in my HDMI! I never do back
end development on the first date.”
Unless you want to. I don’t know you. Maybe you do like back end
on the first date. I shouldn’t assume. My bad.
Once all systems are go, tell him, “Wiggle my mouse back and forth
and double click rapidly,” while he’s reinstalling his hard drive.
That will give you a little pleasure too.
You might even feel that you’re going to have an orgasm. If so, lay
some Java on him. No, not coffee, dummy. Java!
Yell out, “System dot out dot println (I’m Cumming!).”
If you are a squirter, simply warn him: “Stack overflow! Stack overflow!”
But if he didn’t make you cum at all, just take out your vibrator
and tell him, “Let’s try some object oriented programming.”
But be warned, this combination of his two favorite things — coding
and sex — might just make his head explode. If you see him getting
short of breath or turning color, you’ve gone too far. Try to get
him to sign over some stock options at least before he passes out.
OK, now you have both gotten off you can cool it with the double entendres
and get real with him. The most important thing in a relationship
is sincerity, and if you can fake that, you’ll have it made.
So sincerely tell him that was the best sex you’ve ever had (coders
are horribly insecure about this). And then sincerely tell him how
many times you came (five sounds realistic enough). And then very
sincerely ask to see his business plan, who his angels are, where
he sees himself in five years and how the hell you are going to fit
into that plan.
Good luck, and I’ll see you on the private jet, darling!