Dostoevsky White Nights

[Christain Cobb]

Iknow the houses too. As I walk along they seem to run forward inthe streets to look out at me from every window, and almost to say:"Good-morning! How do you do? I am quite well, thank God, and I am tohave a new storey in May," or, "How are you? I am being redecoratedto-morrow;" or, "I was almost burnt down and had such a fright," and soon. I have my favourites among them, some are dear friends; one of themintends to be treated by the architect this summer. I shall go every dayon purpose to see that the operation is not a failure. God forbid! But Ishall never forget an incident with a very pretty little house of alight pink colour. It was such a charming little brick house, it lookedso hospitably at me, and so proudly at its ungainly neighbours, that myheart rejoiced whenever I happened to pass it. Suddenly last week Iwalked along the street, and when I looked at my friend I heard aplaintive, "They are painting me yellow!" The villains! The barbarians!They had spared nothing, neither columns, nor cornices, and my poorlittle friend was as yellow as a canary. It almost made me bilious. Andto this day I have not had the courage to visit my poor disfiguredfriend, painted the colour of the Celestial Empire.

There is something inexpressibly touching in nature round Petersburg,when at the approach of spring she puts forth all her might, all thepowers bestowed on her by Heaven, when she breaks into leaf, decksherself out and spangles herself with flowers.... Somehow I cannot helpbeing reminded of a frail, consumptive girl, at whom one sometimes lookswith compassion, sometimes with sympathetic love, whom sometimes onesimply does not notice; though suddenly in one instant she becomes, asthough by chance, inexplicably lovely and exquisite, and, impressed andintoxicated, one cannot help asking oneself what power made those sad,pensive eyes flash with such fire? What summoned the blood to thosepale, wan cheeks? What bathed with passion those soft features? What setthat bosom heaving? What so suddenly called strength, life and beautyinto the poor girl's face, making it gleam with such a smile, kindlewith such bright, sparkling laughter? You look round, you seek for someone, you conjecture.... But the moment passes, and next day you meet,maybe, the same pensive and preoccupied look as before, the same paleface, the same meek and timid movements, and even signs of remorse,traces of a mortal anguish and regret for the fleeting distraction....And you grieve that the momentary beauty has faded so soon never toreturn, that it flashed upon you so treacherously, so vainly, grievebecause you had not even time to love her....

I came back to the town very late, and it had struck ten as I wasgoing towards my lodgings. My way lay along the canal embankment, whereat that hour you never meet a soul. It is true that I live in a veryremote part of the town. I walked along singing, for when I am happy Iam always humming to myself like every happy man who has no friend oracquaintance with whom to share his joy. Suddenly I had a mostunexpected adventure.

Leaning on the canal railing stood a woman with her elbows on therail, she was apparently looking with great attention at the muddy waterof the canal. She was wearing a very charming yellow hat and a jauntylittle black mantle. "She's a girl, and I am sure she is dark," Ithought. She did not seem to hear my footsteps, and did not even stirwhen I passed by with bated breath and loudly throbbing heart.

"Strange," I thought; "she must be deeply absorbed in something," andall at once I stopped as though petrified. I heard a muffled sob. Yes! Iwas not mistaken, the girl was crying, and a minute later I heard sobafter sob. Good Heavens! My heart sank. And timid as I was with women,yet this was such a moment!... I turned, took a step towards her, andshould certainly have pronounced the word "Madam!" if I had not knownthat that exclamation has been uttered a thousand times in every Russiansociety novel. It was only that reflection stopped me. But while I wasseeking for a word, the girl came to herself, looked round, started,cast down her eyes and slipped by me along the embankment. I at oncefollowed her; but she, divining this, left the embankment, crossed theroad and walked along the pavement. I dared not cross the street afterher. My heart was fluttering like a captured bird. All at once a chancecame to my aid.

Along the same side of the pavement there suddenly came into sight,not far from the girl, a gentleman in evening dress, of dignified years,though by no means of dignified carriage; he was staggering andcautiously leaning against the wall. The girl flew straight as an arrow,with the timid haste one sees in all girls who do not want any one tovolunteer to accompany them home at night, and no doubt the staggeringgentleman would not have pursued her, if my good luck had not promptedhim.

"Oh, you are right at the first guess!" I answered, delighted that mygirl had intelligence; that is never out of place in company withbeauty. "Yes, from the first glance you have guessed the sort of man youhave to do with. Precisely; I am shy with women, I am agitated, I don'tdeny it, as much so as you were a minute ago when that gentleman alarmedyou. I am in some alarm now. It's like a dream, and I never guessed evenin my sleep that I should ever talk with any woman."

"Yes; if my arm trembles, it is because it has never been held by apretty little hand like yours. I am a complete stranger to women; thatis, I have never been used to them. You see, I am alone.... I don't evenknow how to talk to them. Here, I don't know now whether I have not saidsomething silly to you! Tell me frankly; I assure you beforehand that Iam not quick to take offence?..."

"No, nothing, nothing, quite the contrary. And if you insist on myspeaking frankly, I will tell you that women like such timidity; and ifyou want to know more, I like it too, and I won't drive you away till Iget home."

"Well, yes; but do, for goodness' sake, be kind. Think what I am!Here, I am twenty-six and I have never seen any one. How can I speakwell, tactfully, and to the point? It will seem better to you when Ihave told you everything openly.... I don't know how to be silent whenmy heart is speaking. Well, never mind.... Believe me, not one woman,never, never! No acquaintance of any sort! And I do nothing but dreamevery day that at last I shall meet some one. Oh, if only you knew howoften I have been in love in that way...."

"Why, with no one, with an ideal, with the one I dream of in mysleep. I make up regular romances in my dreams. Ah, you don't know me!It's true, of course, I have met two or three women, but what sort ofwomen were they? They were all landladies, that.... But I shall make youlaugh if I tell you that I have several times thought of speaking, justsimply speaking, to some aristocratic lady in the street, when she isalone, I need hardly say; speaking to her, of course, timidly,respectfully, passionately; telling her that I am perishing in solitude,begging her not to send me away; saying that I have no chance of makingthe acquaintance of any woman; impressing upon her that it is a positiveduty for a woman not to repulse so timid a prayer from such a lucklessman as me. That, in fact, all I ask is, that she should say two or threesisterly words with sympathy, should not repulse me at first sight;should take me on trust and listen to what I say; should laugh at me ifshe likes, encourage me, say two words to me, only two words, eventhough we never meet again afterwards!... But you are laughing; however,that is why I am telling you...."

"Don't be vexed; I am only laughing at your being your own enemy, andif you had tried you would have succeeded, perhaps, even though it hadbeen in the street; the simpler the better.... No kind-hearted woman,unless she were stupid or, still more, vexed about something at themoment, could bring herself to send you away without those two wordswhich you ask for so timidly.... But what am I saying? Of course shewould take you for a madman. I was judging by myself; I know a good dealabout other people's lives."

"I am glad! I am glad! But tell me how did you find out that I wasthe sort of woman with whom ... well, whom you think worthy ... ofattention and friendship ... in fact, not a landlady as you say? Whatmade you decide to come up to me?"

"On the other side? Really I don't know how to answer; I am afraidto.... Do you know I have been happy to-day? I walked along singing; Iwent out into the country; I have never had such happy moments. You ...perhaps it was my fancy.... Forgive me for referring to it; I fanciedyou were crying, and I ... could not bear to hear it ... it made myheart ache.... Oh, my goodness! Surely I might be troubled about you?Surely there was no harm in feeling brotherly compassion for you.... Ibeg your pardon, I said compassion.... Well, in short, surely you wouldnot be offended at my involuntary impulse to go up to you?..."

"Stop, that's enough, don't talk of it," said the girl, looking down,and pressing my hand. "It's my fault for having spoken of it; but I amglad I was not mistaken in you.... But here I am home; I must go downthis turning, it's two steps from here.... Good-bye, thank you!..."

"Listen, listen!" I interrupted her. "Forgive me if I tell yousomething else.... I tell you what, I can't help coming here to-morrow,I am a dreamer; I have so little real life that I look upon such momentsas this now, as so rare, that I cannot help going over such momentsagain in my dreams. I shall be dreaming of you all night, a whole week,a whole year. I shall certainly come here to-morrow, just here to thisplace, just at the same hour, and I shall be happy remembering to-day.This place is dear to me already. I have already two or three suchplaces in Petersburg. I once shed tears over memories ... like you....Who knows, perhaps you were weeping ten minutes ago over some memory....But, forgive me, I have forgotten myself again; perhaps you have oncebeen particularly happy here...."

3a8082e126