COUNSELING PART 12- EXCITATORY-ANGER & DELIBERATE-ANGER
Bella Natacha
COUNSELING PART 12- EXCITATORY-ANGER & DELIBERATE-ANGER
Excitatory Anger is Addictive Anger
Some people get ‘High’ on Anger- They like the adrenaline rush that comes from anger. When they explode, the sudden ‘rush’ provides them a powerful emotional excitement. They feel alive and full of energy. They like the intensity. The ‘rush’ is the body’s natural fight or flight response to danger. The adrenaline surge warms them as their blood circulates faster. The ‘Excitatory Anger addicts’ need aggressive conflict to satiate their thirst for adrenaline. If they haven’t gotten their anger “fix” for a while, they deliberately provoke a fight. Anger addicts usually feel bored, so they look forward to their anger "rush," and the emotional "high" which comes with it. All addictions are inevitably painful and damaging, and this addiction is no exception. ‘Excitatory Anger Addicts’ have not learned other ways to feel good, so they become dependent upon their anger. Since they need intensity, their anger takes on an all-or-nothing pattern that creates more problems than it solves. The addiction separates them from people, and causes them to live a solitary life, hence more boredom.
If you are an ‘Anger Addict’, you must understand that the cause of your anger is loneliness and boredom. The precipitating factors are your need for attention and recognition. Since people find happiness being around other people, your addiction will separate you from people and thus caused you to feel bored and unhappy. The pleasure that you find from your adrenaline addiction will be solitary. You need to find respectable social activities, events and other means to satisfy your boredom. A good hour of exercise at the gym usually helps.
DELIBERATE ANGER
Deliberate Anger is the phony or exaggerated emotion. Some people just fake their anger almost all the time, because they have learned that anger can get them what they want, when they want it. Anger is scary and anger works. If you are angry a lot, ask yourself what do you gain when you get mad? What are the payoffs?
The 4 Main Payoffs Are:
1. Power—to make others do what you want
2. Image—to show off or look good
3. Distance—to keep others away
4. Emotional Control—to avoid real feelings
Power
People really can control their temper, but they do not want to. They like the results too much. Since nobody messes with them when they explode, and they can get what they want, they deliberately intimidate people with their anger. In fact they enjoy themselves during the show.
Research done on male batterers discovered that some of the worst batterers did not get emotionally upset as they fought with their wives. Instead, their heart rates dropped, as they got angry. They became calmer, not more agitated. Those men became violent in purpose, to control their wives through fear. Their fury was paired with cool control. It’s all about power and intimidation. They want what they want now, and they get it by yelling, fighting, and/or hitting. This is a perfect example of deliberate anger. It’s not about feelings, it’s about power. And it’s dangerous, because sometimes it’s accompanied by a ‘power rush’. They may ‘enjoy’ hurting someone to feel powerful and in control. Nobody gives up power willingly; and people who use deliberate anger to gain control, will not change until their ‘anger’ gets them into a lot of trouble. They do not need therapy, they need consequences.
What You Can Do
§ Do not give in to their manipulative anger. Remove yourself from their presence.
§ Do not feel sorry for them, when they give you that puppy look, specifically after they have been mean to you.
§ Call the police, if you were physically attacked. They need to face the consequences of their actions, (both male and female,) otherwise they will never change. They are enjoying their ‘deliberate anger’ too much.
Image
Image is the desire to impress others by the way you look and act. And if you are a tough guy/girl your probably grew up in an angry family, and/or a dangerous neighborhood. So playing the tough guy/girl role is easy, because you want others to see you as strong and powerful. After all you value your image. The hard part is to get out of the tough guy/girl role.
Here are The 4 Tough Guy Rules
1. The only feeling you can show is anger. Any display of other feelings, specially fear, are strictly prohibited.
2. Cause trouble, or stomp on trouble. Never run away from a fight. In fact, always wade into battle. The bigger they are the better chance to show that you are not afraid of anybody.
3. Use your anger to keep people away. Do not get close to others. Do not make emotional connections. Do not fall in love; it’s an ambush. Do not trust anybody.
4. If you are not really mad, fake it, remember this is about image. The tough guy has to look that way at all times.
Distance
The deliberate ‘distancer’ claims the ‘fights’ caused the need for distance. But it’s the other way around. His/her need for distance caused the fights.
Closeness is scary, especially if you have been jilted, abandoned, betrayed or cheated on. So you decide ‘never to let anyone too close’ to you. But you cannot be too honest with your partner, he/she may leave you, if you tell him/her that you like him/her just a ‘little’, and that you will never in a hundred years let him/her get really close to you, that would be too honest. With ‘deliberate anger’ you can get into fights after fights. There’s always something to argue about. The goal is to keep your partner at arm’s length. The need is to avoid real intimacy. The danger is being vulnerable. Sooner or later they will hear the real message, ‘I refuse to love you’, and they will leave. You will be stuck all alone with your anger.
Emotional Control
Anger can be a cover emotion. Many people use anger to avoid other feelings. You may feel it’s not OK to feel sad, scared or lonely. It’s against your tough guy/girl image. Your deliberate anger makes you feel more in control than when you have all those other feelings. Sure, your head knows it’s a game, but what about your body? When you start yelling, your body begins emergency action. So does your limbic system, the older part of your brain responsible for saving you when you are in trouble. They both flood you with adrenaline. All of a sudden you feel REALLY angry, excited, upset. What started out as fake anger becomes real and you EXPLODE. Your deliberate anger can turn into emotional anger, which can turn into rage. This loss of control is the greatest danger with ‘deliberate anger’. Sure anger is a great weapon, but maybe it’s time that you learn new ways to deal with people.
HEALING
Learn to ask for what you want. You do not have to yell or threaten people. Just ask. You may not get what you want all the time, but that’s part of life. Quit trying to control others; run your own life. Write down in a notebook the last couple of times you intentionally got angry. After you record the experience, answer the following questions:
1. When did you deliberately get angry?
2. With whom?
3. What did you say and do?
4. What were the immediate results?
5. Did you get what you wanted?
6. Were people scared or angry back at you?
7. Were there any bad things that happened to you, or to the other people?
8. What were the long term results?
9. How did your deliberate anger affect the people in your life the next day? The next week? The next month? The next year?
10. What did you hope to gain? Power? Image? Distance? Hiding other feelings? Anything else?
Remember, there is a physical and emotional cost for getting angry in purpose. Go over your notes with your partner, your child, your friend, your co-worker, or your roommate. Make a promise to yourself and to them to be more honest about your feelings in the future. Make your amends. You need more closeness, honesty, a real self, instead of an ‘Image’. Isn’t it time to QUIT PLAYING DESTRUCTIVE GAMES? (See Part 13).
When necessity necessitates, the impossible becomes possible.