Listening Year 3
Dierdre Roussin
LinkedIn and 3rd parties use essential and non-essential cookies to provide, secure, analyze and improve our Services, and to show you relevant ads (including professional and job ads) on and off LinkedIn. Learn more in our Cookie Policy.
In 2023, intent on honouring the lost art of listening, I had all kinds of conversations with all kinds of fascinating people. But some of my very favourite exchanges, were captured in slightly more formal, webinar style interviews.
I had the good fortune to interview two leading bank economists about the topic that everyone was discussing: North American interest rates and the residential real estate market. Doug Porter, Chief Economist at BMO Financial Group, and Dr. Benjamin Tal Deputy Chief Economist at CIBC, both offered valuable context amid a painful market adjustment to higher cost capital.
When we spoke, I was struck anew by his solid grasp of his history has informed his view of the future. Mike pioneered an entirely new class of financial product when he created the high-yield bond market in the 1980s. It was based on his study of debt market history and his understanding that the riskiest defaulters were not corporations, but sovereign nations and individuals.
Leveraging that insight, he went on to create a market and an asset class that transformed the ability of American companies to optimize their full growth potential. At the same time, he flagged a simple, but often forgotten, truth: a business strategy that worked in the past may not have relevance in the present or future.
Wes Hall is another long-time friend and associate, for whom I have the highest regard. We spoke about his memoir, No Bootstraps When You Are Barefoot. The book recounts his impressive journey from dire poverty in rural Jamaica to the upper echelons of the financial world in North America.
Wes did not have access to the education that Mike champions, but he spoke about his refusal to make excuses for himself once he came to Canada. Rather, he focused on finding the opportunity in every challenge he encountered as a Black man in the financial services sector, which was dominated by a small coterie of White men.
He built his company, Kingsdale Advisors, by learning from and then challenging the status quo with grit, determination, and clear vision for how to dominate the sleepy proxy solicitation and shareholder activist market.
This is the age where good books can go a long way in helping you understand him. Go to your local library or bookstore, peruse the books and take some time to see what feels right to you. Basic development books are always a good start, and any book that helps you keep a sense of humor will also go a long way. Good luck.
Sign up for my Newsletter here to get this in your inbox every week!Tagged:2 year oldbehaviorChildrenfamilymeghan leahymeghan leahy adviceMisbehavioron parentingparent coachparentingparenting adviceparenting tipstantrumstips for parenting toddlerstips for raising toddlerstoddlerWashington Postwashington post parenting
I have 3 boys, one a 6 year old. My husband and I are very positive people and try and do a lot with our children, and give each child equal attention. The concerns I have with my 6 year old son are based on his listening, lack of focus and most recently the following bad behavior.
Over the past two years our oldest son has had trouble listening and focusing when you would speak to him. I know it sounds typical; we would joke that he has "selective hearing". But if we say something simple to him (with eye contact) then ask him to repeat, his response is "I don't know" or "umm... I forgot". When you need him to stay and focus on something he would have to do something else quickly because he can't help it.
Unfortunately, he is the same way in school. Example: his school has a fire drill and the kids are to stay in line. My son sees an ant hill and has to walk over to it and check it out. The teacher tells him to get back in line but then a second later he does it again. The teacher asks him why is he disobeying what she asks and his response is "I don't know".
My son is a good boy, but unfortunately also has a problem with following bad behavior, which is our biggest issue, from particular children in his school: he likes to do things that make people laugh. Like being silly in a fun way, or doing something inappropriate (like making noises with his mouth).
We've recently gotten emails from his teacher saying "he has been very disruptive in her class, following others' bad behavior and makes many inappropriate noises." We try to remind him every day that it's rude and disrespectful to act that way. We ask him if he likes getting into trouble? Does he like copying the bad kids (he names the bad kids on request, which we are aware are the trouble makers)? Does he like it when Mommy and Daddy get upset? Do you like to have fun and do fun things, because bad behavior doesn't deserve fun? Do you like when Mommy and Daddy talk to you in the morning about being an awesome boy and have a great day? We try not to sound negative and try and speak calmly but we get to a point were we feel like when we speak to him, while he says he cares, we don't feel that he does.
We've done time outs and daily good behavior charts. We've awarded little prizes on good behavior. We've tried so many options and it's just making us sad and scared for the boy he'll become. We know he's a good boy; he just needs to show it more and stop copying others' wrong doing just to get a laugh.
We recently called his pediatrician to see what we should do about his listening, focus and behavior thinking it's related with ADHD. I was referred to have a Neuro Sociological Evaluation done, which I'm still waiting to get through.
I have no doubt that he is a good boy. Asking him if he likes getting into trouble or making Mommy and Daddy upset are questions that he probably can't resolve with his behavior right now and probably make him feel like a bad son, so I would suggest you not send him mixed messages - either he is a good boy (and you know his inability to live up to your expectations displeases him), or he's not, because at this age, children can still be very black-and-white in their thinking.
Your son seems to have a significant problem with impulsivity, which is not the same as being bad, disrespectful, rude, or unloving. I would be much more concerned if he was aggressive towards peers or younger children or openly defiant (being curious about an ant hill and leaving a line to examine it is an example of poor impulse control; if he defied his teacher, said something smart, and stayed at the ant hill instead of obeying; I would be much more concerned.)
Right now, he can't seem to help his wandering thoughts and his impulses. Please, for his sake and your own, don't equate these behaviors with bad behaviors. He will come to this conclusion often enough himself.
Make sure that he has a good grasp of "feeling words", so that when asking him the "why" of something, he has an adequate vocabulary from which to answer. Not having the proper vocabulary inhibits communication.
Have him tested, and ask for training/counseling for both your child and yourselves, so that together, you can encourage pro-social behavior and promote a positive self image with realistic goal-setting. Keep his teachers up to date on his strengths and weaknesses and include them in goal-setting, etc.
Time heals many problems. He may be able to do very well with a few more years of development. It's important to give him the opportunity to grow before he forms a negative self-image. And for what time can't heal, there is therapy, training, and help.
We had a similar experience with my son. It's an unpopular opinion among school teachers, but what you need to realize is parents can't control how a six year-old acts at school. Kids that age simply don't think that far ahead, especially kids with ADHD. They very much live in the moment. What might happen this evening at home has zero bearing on his decisions this morning. Behavior needs to be shaped by the adults he is with at the time.
You can express support for the teacher. You can enforce good behavior at home. You can do make-up work at home. You can role play proper responses. You can tell the teacher what works for you. Take it from me, though, punishments, rewards, or discussions long after the event won't help, will only stress everyone out, and will reinforce the idea in your son's mind that he has no control over his own behavior.
So changes need to be made at school, and an evaluation for ADHD is a good start to making those accommodations happen. Those doctors will be able to make specific recommendations, but some of the following are common:
Teachers used to have more latitude to make these kinds of accommodations for every child, with or without a diagnosis, but the unfortunate political reality is that's not generally the case any more. Academics are being moved earlier, to the detriment of kids like your son. It's stressing out teachers too, who are burning out sooner. You may have to fight hard for these sorts of accommodations. We opted to homeschool instead, and have been happier all around.
Focus on behaviors, not labels. This is true for adults as much as children. If someone says you are "lazy" or "good" or "bad", it's hard to take action based on that. It's also easy to internalize that label and decide that it's just part of your nature - and even easier for a kid, who's used to black or white things (Of course the Joker wants to kill everyone in Gotham, he's a bad guy, that's what he does.)
Actions can be taken based on specific behaviors. "Can you focus on standing straight in line when you're waiting for a drink of water with your class?" That's specifically actionable. He can actively think about it while going to stand in line, and you can have a "report" on the specific behavior afterwards. Maybe you work on one specific situation at a time - this week you work on standing in line at the water fountain, next week you work on paying attention while teacher reads stories. Have specific goals - "go a week while standing within one foot of where you should be standing, with your body within 20 degrees of straight, during every water break." Have an allowance for failure that is not too strict. And, most importantly, get the teacher in on it.