10 Regrets Of The Dying Book

[Meggan Shankman]

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

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Over the weekend, I asked myself, "How did I get here?". Where did time go? It flies. I had to visit my incredibly ill mother in hospital over the weekend, and it was so tough; completely awful. Over the past few years, in particular, seeing my parent's health decline whilst bringing up a child has been a lot harder than I could ever imagine. I was sharing what was going on with a friend, trying not to cry, and she commented on how we are the "sandwich generation". Today, I know how important kindness, courage and leadership have become in my life more than ever before.

The "sandwich generation" refers to individuals who are simultaneously caring for their aging parents and their children. This situation can be incredibly stressful and challenging. Here are some strategies to help cope:

• Exercise Regularly: Physical activity can help reduce stress and improve mental health.
• Healthy Diet: Eating nutritious food can provide the energy to manage multiple responsibilities.
• Rest and Sleep: Ensure you get adequate sleep and take breaks to avoid burnout.

• Support Groups: Join support groups for caregivers where you can share experiences and advice.
• Professional Help: Consider counselling or therapy to manage stress and emotional challenges.
• Family and Friends: Don't hesitate to ask for help from other family members or friends.

• Open Conversations: Discuss expectations and needs honestly with your parents and children.
• Family Meetings: Regularly update everyone involved to keep communication clear and reduce misunderstandings.

• Stay Connected: Make time for friends and social activities to avoid isolation.
• Hobbies and Interests: Engage in activities you enjoy to maintain a sense of self and relaxation.

Balancing these dual caregiving roles requires a lot of effort and adaptability. Remember that seeking help and taking time is important to maintain your well-being and effectively care for your loved ones. Also, please always be kind to yourself. Sonia x

Bronnie Ware, an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, documented the most common regrets of her dying patients in her book "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying." These insights provide valuable lessons for living a more fulfilling and meaningful life. Here are the five most common regrets:

• Many people regret not pursuing their dreams and aspirations, instead conforming to what others expected of them. The critical takeaway is to identify and follow your true passions and desires, making choices that align with your values and interests.

• Spending too much time on work at the expense of family and personal life was a common regret, especially among men. Balancing work with personal life and making time for family, friends, and leisure activities can lead to a more satisfying life.

• Suppressing emotions and bottling feelings often leads to resentment and unfulfilling relationships. Openly expressing feelings and communicating honestly can improve relationships and emotional well-being.

• Many regret losing contact with friends and not investing enough time in maintaining relationships. Prioritizing friendships and staying connected can provide emotional support and joy throughout life.

• Many realised that happiness is a choice and regretted not allowing themselves to be happier. Letting go of fears, worries, and the need for control can lead to a more content and joyful life.

1. Pursue Your Passions: Identify what truly matters to you and take steps toward those goals, regardless of external expectations.
2. Work-life balance: Set boundaries at work and make time for personal interests and loved ones. I have started painting again and love it.
3. Express Yourself: Share your feelings honestly and openly with those around you.
4. Nurture Relationships: Make an effort to stay in touch with friends and loved ones, prioritising meaningful connections.
5. Choose Happiness: Focus on the joyous, practice gratitude, and allow yourself to enjoy life's simple pleasures.

For more than 30 years, Sonia has been on the front lines of Leadership, People and Culture. Through her experience, research, and passion for outstanding leadership, Sonia has realised what it takes to be an exceptional leader in team and culture. Sonia established the LeadershipHQ consulting business in 2008 and, in 2019, the Outstanding Leadership Awards. Recently, her latest platform, The Leadership Collective, has been taking the globe by storm!

Sonia speaks bravely and authentically about her leadership development, journey as a solo mum, and career and business challenges. This relatable, heart-warming, and humorous approach resonates with her audience and has made her an in-demand keynote speaker with a timely message of courage, kindness, outstanding leadership, and neuroscience.

Ware: The regrets of the dying helped me understand how sacred time is. I realized that the pain of breaking through any amount of resistance would never be as heart-wrenching as lying on my deathbed with regrets. This has propelled an ever-expanding habit of courage that has shown me how we are all so much more capable than we realize. We just need the courage to get out of our own way.

Caprino: You talk in your book about how living with harsh judgments of others and ourselves hurts us and keeps us from being happier. What instead can help our hearts and lives be happier and freer and more rewarding?

When you stop using the successes or failures of others as a gauge, you set yourself free to live how it makes the most sense to your own heart. We are all different and the more you embrace those differences free of judgment, the more your own heart feels confident to be heard and honored. It is tempting to try and ignore it by thinking you need to know all the answers straight away. But when you find the courage to let go of living a life not true to your own heart, you naturally become kinder to others too as you recognize their own struggles.

While some of our individual talents may be similar to others, our expression and delivery of those vary. We all respond differently, too. So the more real you are in your expression of self, the more chance people have of connecting with someone specific (you), rather than a standard theme or delivery of a message.

Rather than seeing people as fools for having a go and failing, we can look at them with admiration for their courage and wait with joyful anticipation to see what their next attempt will be, since it will come with the wisdom of past learning.

What you can do: Remind your loved one that you know they care. Tell them you appreciate all the time you did have with each other. Share your memories of good times spent together over the years. Help arrange calls or visits with other people who are important to your loved one.

Another regret of the dying is wishing they had been more supportive, treated their family and friends with more kindness, and expressed more love and appreciation toward them. They may want to apologize for past behavior and fix this end-of-life regret.

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