10/13/18 Weekend Grif.Net - Abundant Single Life
Robert Griffin
[Yesterday I sent some ‘real” humorous replies to “Why aren’t you married yet”. Pastor Dan Parton shared this response, the words of his former secretary Joanna Jackson whose family was also friends of my wife. She remained single and pure her entire life. She died of colorectal cancer five years ago, August 23, 2013, at the age of 42. This is just one chapter of her book which is published by Sword of the Lord Press]
When I was a little girl, I had a sweet Sunday school teacher who was special to me. One day while at church, I asked her when she and her husband were going to have children. I don’t recall her answer, but I remember her reply being simple and sweet. Later that night while on our way home, I told my mom what I had asked my teacher and was still wondering why they didn’t have any children. Very kindly and wisely, my mom said, “Maybe they can’t have children.” I was totally taken aback by my mom’s comment, but I learned something I didn’t previously know. In my innocent childhood, I had never before thought that a couple couldn’t have children. As I look back on this conversation, I am very thankful that my Sunday school teacher didn’t scold me for being insensitive to her feelings or give me a curt answer. My question may have caused her pain in her heart, and I feel badly for that! I liked my teacher and never wanted to hurt her. Thankfully, she chose to respond instead of react to my inquiry.
As a single adult, I have been asked several questions that could appear rude and even insensitive. Possibly, you’ve been asked some of the same questions or even others. One question I have been frequently asked is, “Why aren’t you married yet?” One lady told me that when she was single, she was at a Valentine banquet sitting at the “singles table,” and a married man came up and stated, “So, this is where all the rejects sit!” As much as I try to have “tough skin” when it comes to questions asked and comments made to me, words can cut deeply to the heart.
Initially in my single years when seemingly “insensitive” comments came my way, I would become perturbed in my heart. I never reacted to people who said these things, but I left their presence wondering why they were thoughtless in regard to my feelings. Then, the Lord brought to mind my childhood question to my Sunday school teacher. When I asked her about having children, I know I was not being insensitive or thoughtless. I was actually being thoughtful wanting her and her husband to have a family. Just as kind and merciful as my Sunday school teacher was to me in her response, I decided to extend that same kindness and mercy to those who hurt me with their questions. I decided to give people the benefit of the doubt believing that they did not ask or say what they did in an effort to hurt me.
If you have ever innocently said something you shouldn’t have, I’m sure you wanted the people who heard you to be merciful to you. Apply that same kindness to people who hurt you with their words. Yes, words do hurt, but we need to look beyond people’s possible insensitivity and give them the benefit of the doubt.
I have found that I can much more easily practice this principle when it appears that the person is being sincerely caring toward me. I find it harder to implement when it appears that the person is trying to be cruel. What should you do when a person appears heartless as the aforementioned man at the Valentine banquet?
1. Extend the same kindness and mercy that you would extend to someone who innocently hurts you. Is this easy? Not even a little bit! But you can! Rise above your hurt, rise above their Christianity, and be a better person than they appear to be being at that time.
2. Decide to be more sensitive to other people. My mom’s telling me that my Sunday school teacher may not be able to have children made me, as young as I was, more sensitive to childless couples. From then on, I no longer asked questions similar to what I had asked my teacher because I became aware that my question, though meant innocently, could cause hurt. When people are insensitive to you, decide to be sensitive to others’ feelings, giving to them a care you would like to receive.
3. Go on. When people say insensitive things to me and appear to be saying it unkindly, I do not react and do not become angry. Yes, it still hurts, but I choose to walk away from such situations and just try to do what is right in my actions and attitudes.
4. Be kindly honest when asked if something hurt you. Many years ago, a lady said something to me publicly about my being single. She was just joking, but her comments still stung. I didn’t react or say anything, but my heart was wounded. Later, that same lady approached me because she felt that she may have hurt me with her jesting. I responded in a kind and honest way and told her that her words were hurtful. She asked for my forgiveness, and I forgave her. Had I not been honest with her, she may have said the same thing to another single person. I’m glad she was sensitive enough to ask me if she had hurt me, and I’m glad I was honest in my answer to her. Often, it’s easier to say, “Everything’s okay,” instead of being upfront with people. When you do not answer someone honestly, you cannot help other singles avoid the same hurt.
5. When someone wants to know, tell that person, in detail, why a certain statement or question hurts. For example, the question, “Why aren’t you married yet?” makes me feel like the person is saying, “What’s wrong with you that you’re not married?” Most likely, they do not mean it that way; yet, it still gives me that impression. The question, “Why don’t you lower your standards?” makes me feel like I’m being blamed for being single, I’m not worth the best that God has for me, and that it’s okay to “settle.” Kindly explain your feelings to someone who genuinely wants to know if something hurt you so that person can grow thereby.
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me.” I don’t know who coined this phrase, but I doubt its validity. In fact, the Bible says just the opposite in Proverbs 12:18, “There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword…” Yes, words can pierce your heart like a sword. I have had this happen to me as a single, and, most likely, you have too. I wish harsh words were never said; but when they are spoken, we must be prepared to respond in a proper way instead of reacting or becoming downhearted.
When words affect your soul like sticks and stones being flung at you, may I remind you of the words of our sweet Saviour, “And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise. For if ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love them. And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same. And if ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye? for sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again. But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil. Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful.” (Luke 6:31-36)
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Dr Bob Griffin
"Jesus Knows Me, This I Love!"