06/27/08 Grif.Net - Bread
Dr Bob Griffin
A recent newspaper headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health
hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking
bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this
aroma may break down ozone. I was horrified. When are we going to do
something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco
companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread? Well,
I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone
think twice....
THE FINDINGS
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the
average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were
unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as
typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of
eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as
little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average
person eats more bread than that in one month!
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and
given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
PROPOSED RESTRICTIONS
Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant
scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these
frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills
we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to
children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. A $40.2 billion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.
REMEMBER: "Think globally, act idiotically."
~~
Dr Bob Griffin, www.grif.net
"Jesus knows me, this I love"