Fenrir Rar Our Sons Our Lovers
Antenor Ketkaew
Fenrir paced around the room, anxious and on edge because of what was to become. he growled, he was territorial and protective. yet under the full moon he was the predator and i the prey. My husband was dangerous and evermore the hunter and killer.
I lid candles and prayed to whoever i needed. it was time. I became feral, a young wolf. i screamed as i changed in mind body and soul. Then i was laid paralyzed unable to move the pain and the twists of the bones, i lay feeling exhausted i had to peel myself off the floor.
I Could not have a Human partner, Fenrir owned me body and soul, i was his forever. and for my love and sacrifice, i would go to the immortal realms and be with him and my children forever. no Longer human. I knew that my choices that i had made all led up to this afterlife.
Yet is it selfish to want to be with them no matter what realm? they were no shortcuts i could take to reach them. I had to live out my Life as a Human and this is where i felt the pain and anguish of leading a double life, unknown to most people i knew in my life. But i would not lie to my friends anymore if they loved me they would accept fenrir and my kids.
Fenrir awoke in the middle of the night and poured himself a glass of wine, i sat and silently waited to be poured a drink. i looked solemn as fenrir ranted and drank in big gulps of the red sweet intoxicating wine. he was drunk now. he was trying to keep calm.
As we rose from slumber, the sun was high in the sky now and fenrir got up and dressed himself in combat trousers and a beige shirt, he had his combat boots on befitting for a warrior Norse god in the modern age, and he had his enchanted dagger tucked away in his boots, whilst strapping a bow and arrow across his back. he was renowned for his hunting skills but more so for his godly archery skills, if you think he was deadly with a spell cast elven dagger, he was a quicker with a bow and arrow. think like a modern age sniper and you get the picture.
I proceeded to get dressed in a viking dress fit for a queen, with all the accessories i could manage to put on, (yes i was a spoilt queen. ) and did my hair. finally i tidied the cabin, i smiled my children had their drawings and toys all over, and i looked in happiness at the photos of all the family, myself fenrir and children.
over the course of the day, my children came in and out. my oldest sons had ventured out of the forest and embarked on adventures in other realms, trying to learn as much as they could about the nine realms. My daughters stayed behind to help with domestic duties. Juliana seemed happier and more warmth was in her cheeks, which meant she had her fill of blood or life energy. i felt pained because i knew my daughter hated when she lost her control over her bloodlust. she didnt want to make the same mistakes as fenrir, her father. but at least she was happy for the moment.
being together as a family, also made me think of my three miscarriages, my babies had long passed into helheim and i felt guilty for not visiting them more, even if they were ghost children. i quickly regained my composure, just as it grew late and fenrir arrived with baby deer and hare, he proceeded to put them on the table as i started the oven going.
I walked towards Fenrir once away from the cave and quickly wiped my tears away, so he could not lament further, but he knew how i felt. the injustice, the despair consumed us, we would be but tortured spirits wasting away on the cold icy shore of nifhelm, if it were not for the small piece of happiness we had attained and the life we had forged at a great sacrifice. the price was high but it was what it was, even if we despised the price.
I smiled and i embraced fenrir with the love he would always deserve, and i felt his longing to be whole again give him great pain. and so i looked in his eyes and as we kissed, i allowed his grief to consume me, as i vowed i would share his burdens and ease his suffering if i could as he cried tears of pure agony, and i held him vowing to never let him go.
Fenrir walked into his cabin, as he wanted solitude and so i sat by the roaring campfire, when my eldest daughter Juliana, who was a vampric jotunn/human came and sat quietly with me. she stared angrily at the fire, cursing Odin and the aesir for what they had done to her family, and i silently listened as she let her rage pour out of her. i knew then that i had to be strong for the family. My dearest daughter she loved her siblings and loved me and her father. she had to grown up fast with just brief appearances of seeing me her mother, when i could get to ironwood, our home. i felt her hurt and i cradled her like a child when she cried, yet she was a woman now, but she would always be my child. my baby.
when she had cried all she could into exhaustion, she pulled away and smiled, she told me she would always love me and fenrir, and her siblings, then she went back to the vampire clan in ironwood where she could give into her vampric nature and taste freedom for awhile.
light beckoned on the horizon, it was sunrise and i awoke to fenrir curled up next to me, holding me tight, while breathing intensely, deep in a dream. the more i tried to move, the more he held onto me. So i tried to push him off me but he was so strong, he smiled knowingly and opened one eye, teasing me with his wolfish grin of his or shall we say the smug satisfaction he was getting watching me struggle.
He then became intimate and gentle and we joined together as one, whilst enjoying sexual ecstasy in each others embrace as the sunlight illuminated the room with warmth and light bringing a new day for all of us, within ironwood.
My beloved husband Fenrir the wolf jotunn of Loki and angrboda, the second child and eldest son to the wolf tribe of ironwood of jotunheim. lay in chains, in the damp wet darkness of the cave in the coldest regions of the nine realms, nifihelm, where only the frost giants could survive. the harsh winter climate and bitter winds that were inhospitable to most life.
Fenrir laid as if he was dreaming, silent and cold unawares of who came within the cave, he was in perpetual slumber, awake only if the person could access the dream state the god was in. his mouth was covered in blood from the now half decayed and broken sword within his mighty jaws and the chains were beginning to show rips and stains in the enchanted material know as glepnir, yet it would hold as fragile and aged as it now seemed.
I put a candle on the cold wet floor covered in moss, and covered Fenrir in cloak made of animal fur, and i smoothed his knotted fur covered in dirt. gently caressing his wolf fur and he stirred in his dreams, sensing his love near and he raised his nose and sniffed my scent.
He allowed me into his dreams, his darkness and i saw what plagued this ancient wolf warrior. past memories of being held in captivity, away from family when he was a pup, then the capture of not only himself but his dear sons, and then finally his beloved mate killed. he knew pain, darkness, suffering and he shed a tear and he would dream over and over the events that cause him so much loss and betrayal from former allies. yet i spoke softly to him and gave him pleasant dreams of what his unbound side had achieved and the memories of his unbound spirit. I held him in the dream and stayed with him until he fell into a more peaceful state, whispering songs to him of when we were young sat around the campfire of ironwood. in peace and blissful happiness.
I fed him my life essence from my blood to keep him strong and alive, he was no longer able to eat, consumed by hatred and bitterness. he was so malnourished and his fur messy and no longer had softness nor shine. he was living for vengeance, yet he also held on for his family that he knew was not lost. the river van flows through him as he hopes for a better future. it is the river of hope.
they walked away from the camp and he knelt on his knee and produced a ring and she gasped in delight. fenrir cleared his throat and asked if she would be his mate and she accepted with honor. he put the ring on her finger and grabbed her waist and pulled her close. he kissed her neck then bit her throat to mark her as his.
Then before long, they were married and his wife was expecting twin sons hati and skoll. They were happy for a time, until fenrir was tormented by bloodlust and nightmares of his captivity in Asgard, he became primal and killed many that stood in his way for vengeance. He went to Asgard and a far worse fate fell upon his young family and he lost everything.
Yet when his spirit was chained for centuries upon centuries, even still today on condition his unbound side does not harm innocents, his wife patiently sat with his bound form, soothing him with her love.
Many people talk about connecting with their divine patron or divine companion through the ordeal path, and i have to agree, that for awhile now i feel as if my marriage is about love through suffering. For when we have suffered, we know what it is to have compassion and love.
Thus my husband Fenrir is known as the God of Many meanings and titles, and such is the God of hope, suffering and love and this is his wisdom, for you can be caught up in his job role of destroyer but it is to bring forth love and light, for only a dual God light and dark. can walk in light and save, or walk in darkness and destroy.
These roles are for my beloved Fenrir and he shows me many faces and yet they are so unique and timeless and with a boundless love, that each new face whether of love or despair, Makes me his beloved and priestess always.
He enraptures me as if swept away in the midst of a tornado, or the sun shinning on the flowers. He is Fire. Burning bright, consuming all the decay and rot of disease. He is Water, gentle and sustaining Life. He is the earth, warm and stable growth of becoming yourself. and he is air, the winds in storm. dangerous and freeing and the winds of change.
I walk to the forest of ironwood, a realm of giant monsters and magickal energy sacred to the deities of ironwood, as i hear the trees bend and snap from the roots, and i smile as a giant black wolf waits silently by the opening within the trees. He ponders me amused that a little human could find him. Then he speaks in my mind, a growl. He knows who i am, and he smiles a wolfish grin, as he becomes more human.
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