Why I Hate Gulls

[Briar]

I HATE Gulls.  What used to be known as Sea Gulls, but after the EUites and the Medianites and the Takethelotovites and all the other tribes with any sort of fishing fleet raided our waters and removed all the fishes, so that our own fishing fleet now lies abandoned and rotting away on the tiny harbours and beaches, the Gulls have stopped following the boats in pursuit of fish offal, and have moved onto house roofs in the village and the pursuit of human waste food.  Some foolish folk even put out birdfood, mostly to encourage attractive species to come down and feed in their gardens.  A few do come down, but starlings then bully them off their beat and eat most of whatever folks have put out...  But then come Gulls, in 3 sizes  BIG... BIGGER.... &  GINORMOUS !  Soon frightening away all smaller species.  And they SHIT - like Pterodactyls with Diarhoea.   One morning I found my solar powered fountain was only leaking out rather than spouting, despite strong sunshine.  Then I noticed, my solar panel was half covered in birdshit.  Gullpoop.  Guano, for those that are from Jane's New Board, wiv Rools....

 

Yesterday evening when I climbed into my bed I saw how a gull had shat all over my bedroom window.  When I awoke to the sound of gentle rain, I saw in the sun's early light how the rain had washed a lot of it off, leaving, oh horror of horrors, a face on the window, of Adolf, the evil Austrian twisted dwarf, staring in at my lovely non-aryan breasts and my clear blue eyes...  I could see the twisted expression on his face - he actually ejaculated when he saw someone hung up on a meat hook and dying. He watched for hours, poking the dying body with a cleaver from time to time to see if it was dead.

 

It made me shudder.  To think, it was just that tiny stretch of water and that swashbuckling, defiant attitiude our parents had back then, that protected us from that.

 

See what Seagulls can do ?

 

 

Briar

 

   

 

 

 

[Affa]

yuck

[Jane]

There has never been any such bird as 'seagulls' - those you refer to are in all probability Herring Gulls.  As a resident of the Isles you really ought to familiarise yourself with the local birds.

[Briar]

Dear Jane,

 

so nice of you to attempt to correct me about the LARIDAE family of birds, commonly described as "Seagulls" -

 

As you should notice, if you read my message properly, I inicated we had gulls of different sizes, which I would take as obviously of different species, in these islands where I live.  

 

Our largest and fiercest is the Greater Black-Backed Gull, Larus marinus, which curiously nests in small, mixed colonies with the Lesser Black-Backed Gull, Larus fuscus.   Of course the Herring Gull is found here too, Larus argentatus, about the same size as the Lesser Black-Backed, but since the virtual vanishing of the herrings, it is now much more seldom seen than twenty years ago.  Our smallest commonly-seen species is the Black-Headed Gull, Larus ridibundas, which was commonly seen at the landfill site before is was closed and partially buried in loose rocks.  Betimes we are visited by other species, blown south from the Arctic or eastward over the Atlantic, but these are our most common and most annoying ones.  The Common Gull, Larus canus, strangely, is uncommon here, though seen from time to time.

 

Thank you for your interest in the LARIDAE we have, and in your continued interest in this lovely web-site.

 

Briar

[jaria]

I do wish you two ladies would stop having a go at each other, there is another board for that sort of thing lol

[Briar]

On Tuesday, July 9, 2013 3:02:43 PM UTC+1, jaria wrote:

I do wish you two ladies would stop having a go at each other, there is another board for that sort of thing lol

 

Sorry Jaria.  I will try to confine my digs at Jane to Her board.

 

I would like some helpful suggestions about what to do about these damned GULLS though. 

 

The problem is this - next door but one to me lives a lovely old lady, who from appearance and how she hobbles about must be at least 90.  She is awfully kind, and is a bit sweet on another neighbour, and ex army officer who has Alzheimers and has to be kept an eye on, he sometimes gets a bit confused, and he tries to ride a bicycle since they took his driving license away, but in the winds we get here sometimes he can be a danger on it to himself and others. I try to catch him just before he heads for the local shop and offer him a lift, which he will take if it is raining as well.  The old lady has started to put food out for the gulls, and they now spend most of the day sitting on my roof and shitting on it, and then making swoops over my back garden into hers to grab the daily offering, then shit in my garden or my pond as they head back to the rooftop to enjoy their booty.  I cannot get her to stop feeding them, I dont want to upset her.  Is there some way I can scare the gulls off, to sit on HER roof rather than mine, to swoop and shit in HER garden instead ?  She still uses a washing line - perhaps if they were to drop their guano on her washing, and the same for the lady with 3 children under 5 next door to me, on her side,  she could come to see how uncomfortable for others her generosity to these birds is.  Is there some kind of balloon Eagle-shaped thing that can be made to hover over my roof ?  If I had a tall radio mast - one of those whippy ones that some cars used to have a few years back, might that frighten them off ? 

 

Getting rid of dried gull shite from my decorative stone paving is quite hard work.   Getting it dropped into my hair is even nastier.   I would ask my son in law to come and shoot them, but it is against the law to fire a gun within so many metres of a dwelling that is inhabited, and he would lose his license and with it his standing in the community, so I will not even ask that of him.  He is a very proper and helpful person, and we get on OK despite his being somewhat to the right of Ghengis Kahn and I an Anarchist.

 

All suggestions will be welcome, and replied to, promise.

 

 

[jaria]

Briar I promise I wasn't having a go at you. Its the quirky sense of humour I'm told I inherited from my mother. You see I keep on getting told off by Jane for my responses to fragile little Jonsky and his master AWM .I am afraid I couldn't resist the opportunity of getting a bit of my own back on Jane lol. Nothing to do with you at all.
Yes we too are plagued by seagulls being so close to the sea. Who ever decided they should be protected should come and clean up the mess they leave as far as my car is concerned they have the accuracy of Stukas and always wait for me to clean it first.
I don't know of any bird that attacks them but you will remember the Duke of Wellingtons advice of how to rid the great exhibitions building of sparrows was sparrow hawks. I also know that the runway here is kept clear of them by using a recording through a loudspeaker of their distress call.

[Affa]

That poster Jar is a right old twat with his injured moaning and false excuses for being a politically ignorant fool.

[jaria]

On Sunday, 14 July 2013 20:43:43 UTC+1, Affa wrote:
> That poster Jar is a right old twat with his injured moaning and false excuses for being a politically ignorant fool.

Lol you Arnt thinking of driving tonight are you AFFA . I see your lessons from Jonsky are going well .why should I moan I'm not in your position having to defend the indefensible and how can I be ignorant I don't support the BNP .
Nope your too self delusional to realise what a pumped up old fool you are

[Briar]

If you, my friends, will pardon me for the crime of returning to the subject of the thread, I just heard of a school somewhere in the UK having to be closed and all the kids sent home, after it was discovered that they were all receiving bites from mites ...  it appears that a flock of gulls had been taking over the roof, recently, and mites from them had fallen into the classrooms and started to feed on child - a feast indeed for the poor mites, after having gull on the menu for their lives until now.   The Pest Control firm is coming in to FUMIGATE the place, but the poor kids are off for at least a week meanwhile. 

 

Let's hope the mites did not bring nasty infections to the kids as well as nasty bites.   I am now investigating ways to frighten gulls away, as is done at airports - a gull getting sucked into a jet engine can cause the engine to break up - dangerous, and expensive !.

 

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[MIDGE]

I  adore and respect all creatures Briar,     Whom is to say humans are superior to...Can you fly Briar?   can you survive as do the(protected species as it happns) Gulls can fly copy many human sounds even tap gently on the windows,,,,mant fascinating things about Gulls.

 

maybe a different law on your islet re fumigation hombres(unless for the mite)

 

The creatures, each can teach us better ways of living our lives.

On Wednesday, July 3, 2013 4:58:47 PM UTC+1, Briar wrote:

[Jonksy]

Jar you are a self opinated ignorant tory prick...You come on both boards and leave your piles of shit everywhere...It says it all abnout your mentlity when you come on here and tell a former UK soldier who has been on missions where the helicopter he is flying in has been fueled in-flight and you state they don't because it has been banned and then when pressed you can give a name for the organisation you stated had banned it and go into yopur usual wriggle mode...Jar you are a fucking liar plain and simple and eveythiong you post on either board is just a croc of shit wot you supposedly read somewhere.,.And as for me being d3elicate I could punch the lights out of if we were face to face and yest I know your 6 feet tall. Isn't amazing how high shit can be stacked these days?

[Jonksy]

He is just a typical tory inbred prick Affa..

 

On Sunday, 14 July 2013 20:43:43 UTC+1, Affa wrote: