Is Playing Golf Like Having Sex?

[Maxine Donnell]

Almost a year after I started playing golf, I realized that it can be,
and to many people it already is, addictive. I began wondering why so
many people, many of whom are really not good at golf, keep going back
to play the game. Then one day, as I completely missed hitting a ball
that was sitting on an uphill lie, it struck me - Playing golf is in
many ways similar to having sex! That is why men, especially many
middle-aged men, keep going back to the course to play the game.
Have you noticed how long and big drivers have become? Have you seen
male golfers comparing the sizes of their drivers or the length of
their drives? Does size and length (I mean size of the driver and
length of the drive, you pervert) really matter? I have personally
witnessed a few male golfers take out their big sized drivers and make
a big swing at the ball, only to entirely miss the ball, hit it a few
measly yards, or hit it long, but in the wrong direction. Size does
not always ensure the desired results. I am not positive, but I think
that many male golfers may be compensating for their lack of sexual
prowess by swinging extra large drivers with long shafts.
Most male golfers spend a lot of time looking for balls that they hit
into the rough - which they hit with the help of their long drivers,
of course. Losing golf balls is somewhat like losing one's
masculinity. They will spend as much time as possible to save their
lost golf balls. Ask any male golfer "How many balls did you lose?"
and the answer will be a defensive "Not many."
One reason that male golfers hit their balls all over the golf course
is probably because they may unconsciously be marking their
'territory.' If you don't believe me, look closely at the ball when
you find one on a golf course the next time you play. The chances are
you will find a name or some sort of symbol scribbled on the ball that
can be used to identify the owner of the ball.
The golf course has many "undulations." In plain English, this means
that the course is curvaceous like a woman. Most male golfers, married
or single, get quite frustrated by the up and down slopes or curves,
and do not have the slightest clue about how to deal with them. Much
like the curves on a woman's body, the contours of golf courses baffle
most men. Remember the "whiff" on an uphill lie that I mentioned
earlier?
Many golf courses, much like attractive women, are beautiful to look
at. One can tell that much thought and money has gone into making golf
courses inviting and alluring. It takes frequent cutting of the grass
to make the fairways easy to play from and look seductive. It is also
a fact that many women frequently get rid of their facial hair and
hair on other publicly visible parts of their bodies. Imagine how many
golfers would frequent a course whose fairways are ill maintained. Now
imagine how many men would ask women with coarse facial hair out on
dates?
The golf course is like a woman being romantic with a man. Women like
foreplay. Men, on the other hand, like to score as quickly as possible
in any game that they play. The golf course invites players to
appreciate its contours, become one with the course and use the
course's natural curves to their advantage. Men just want to score,
and after scoring as quickly as possible, move on to the next hole,
only to try and repeat the process even more speedily.
Women change their looks once in a while in order to keep themselves
looking attractive in their own minds and in the eyes of the people
that they care about. On the golf course, each hole is designed in a
different way. Each hole is made up in a different way. Each hole is
beautiful in its own way. Like beautiful women, the well designed and
maintained golf courses seem to be inviting male golfers to admire
their beauty, and to engage in meaningful, mutually satisfying, and
lasting relationships. But do the male golfers really care? All that
most golfers want to know is: "How far is the hole from the tee?" "How
far can I hit the ball with my largest driver?" "How quickly can I
score?"
Putting the ball in the hole is the final act of triumph on a golf
course. It is equivalent to an orgasm. In each of the eighteen holes,
the golfer is given a certain number of strokes to put the ball in the
hole. I am a man, but I think that from a female point of view, the
system of scoring in golf is designed to punish men who are too quick
to score. A hole-in-one is two under or gets a score of a minus two.
Such a negative score suggests that the woman was displeased with the
manner in which the man was too quick to score (or achieve orgasm),
and this is reflected in the negative score. If a golfer takes seven
strokes to put the ball in a par-4 hole, his score for the hole is a
plus 3. A plus score means that the golfer has taken the time to
engage in foreplay and the satisfied woman was approving of his
performance. However, from a male perspective, sooner and quicker is
better. For men, the negative scores are the true signs of victory.
It is true that most golfers do not score quickly on the golf course.
They engage in more foreplay on the golf course that they do in their
married life. In order to find their golf balls that often go off the
fairways, golfers often become very familiar with the curves and
contours of the golf course. The frustrations that the majority of
male golfers experience on the golf course probably have similarities
to the experiences that they have in their sexual lives.
But why do male golfers keep going back to the golf course? The answer
is simple. Once in a while they get a par or a birdie or even a hole-
in-one. In other words, every now and then they score, and score
quickly, and in my humble opinion, this act of scoring is why men have
sex and keep on playing the game of golf.