Notes on a Marriage on Navhind Times

[Selma Carvalho]

So many middle-class marriages are held together by pretence, the big, fat lie of the perfect family, the Instagram pages of exotic holidays, the Facebook lovey-dovey messages, when underneath the surface things are roiling. We are confronted by unreality, we are overwhelmed with the pressure of seeming to have it all, we have become mask-wearing humans. But those lines from my book are so true of marriage; the banal truism of nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors still holds. Nobody knows of the wounding and the healing, the forming and the dissipating, the failures and triumphs. Marriages are these miraculous organisms which have the ability to repair and regrow; they are a place of sanctuary, a place for us to discover our grace, generosity, and resilience. Within marriage, our worst lives become liveable, our worst selves become redeemable. This was the theme I wanted to explore within the elasticity that a fictional story allows us.

Read full interview here:

https://www.navhindtimes.in/2024/01/27/magazines/zest/the-portrait-of-a-marriage/

Available at Dogears or online. Do drop in at Dogears on 11 Feb 11am to catch Jose Lourenco and me in conversation about the book or catch me at GALF.

Take care,

Selma

[Ben Antao]

Dear Selma 

I have read your comments on marriage so many times now that I feel compelled to respond. You come across as an intelligent, knowledgeable and know-it-all communicator. However, you don’t tell us to what segment of society your views spring from. Are they related to UK Asians and if so which generation? Are they related to Goans in the UK, Goans in India (Mumbai and Goa) and to your generation (born in the 1960s.) As I have not read your novel yet, I can only say the novel is a right form to explore such views.

Now allow me to say how marriage is viewed among young people in Toronto. In the late 1960s when I married, young women would say they are against marriage as an institution. Is a piece of paper going to change how I love, said one 23-year-old to me at a party. So she and others of her generation preferred to live together in common law. I was a reporter at that time and wrote that common law marriages are there to stay and that federal government in Canada should introduce legislation to make it legal. And what do you know? Ten years later the Liberals brought in legislation to legalize common law marriages. 

Today a generation or more later, young people are thinking of marriage as an investment. Two changes have appeared on the scene—- the feminist movement and women acquiring higher education and well-paying jobs. The Goan community comprising mostly of those who immigrated from East Africa have put down roots but their progeny have decided to look outside the community for marriage including inter-racial and inter-religious. Some 15 years ago I was invited to interview a Konkani speaking Goan in Toronto. During a small chat following the interview, the woman slightly older than me told me that her daughter does not want to marry a Goan. I found this interesting and after a few years another Goan friend said his daughter had married a Filipino. I always knew that Goans are open-minded and not biased. 

Coming back to marriage, today’s young couples are keen on acquiring a house even before marrying. House prices have gone through the roof in Toronto, with an average 3-bedroom detached house going for $1.5 million.  It is insane what’s happening to house prices. Rich Immigrants from China and Iran are causes for high prices, according to real estate agents. 

The baby boom generations to which my wife belongs (1945-64) are sighing with despair that their children cannot afford a house. 

You can learn a lot about the current state of sex, love and marriage on the Internet, which is why I have decided not to write a novel about this phenomenon. 

Sorry, Selma, I didn’t mean to write all this but got carried away. LOL 

Have a good week.
Ben 



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[Jeanne Hromnik]

Thank you, Ben!

I'm also uncomfortable with sweeping views on marriage, irrespective of time, society, culture, country ...

I don't get carried away, but I'm interested in the particular, which is what novels are all about, although they should connect with universal feelings of pain, love, neglect, abuse etc. Which is what marriage is about!

I guess I'm getting carried away.

Xxj

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[Selma Carvalho]

Dear all,

That is what I love, lively, spirited debate even before the debate a sort of pre-debate. Do come along on 11 Feb at 11am to Dogears Bookshop Margao, the perfect time, just after mass at Holy Spirit Church and just before your Sunday choriz pulau and copache, Jose Lourenco and I promise to engage in robust verbal fisticuffs about this very topic. There might be coffee, there might be fights, there will definitely be books. No choriz pulau and copache not included.

All best,

Selma

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[Eugene Correia]

The title of the novel is intriguing. "Notes" signify a "study", obviously on academic lines. From the discussion, I gather that the "novel" provides a background view of a "marriage". It's hard to understand that a marriage should or could be the same for all couples. No universal standard as such or one can hope for an "ideal" marriage, whatever the word "ideal" means.

The very concept of marriage has undergone a sea-change, and Goans cannot escape from the prevailing trends. Live-in marriages, with no ties involved, are getting common.

Eugene

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[Jeanne Hromnik]

It's a popular title -- subtle difference, perhaps, between notes on a marriage and notes from a marriage.

The particular, as depicted in a novel, supports the generalisation, as studied academically.

Good to hear you again, Eugene!

Jeanne

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