Repligator 1998
Rosamunda Froats
Triskaidekafiles is a love letter to cheesy cinema from the 80s and 90s, with the occasional dip into other eras. if you're a fan of MST3K, Elvira, Joe Bob Briggs, or just bad horror movies in general, Trisk is the place for you.
But we then jump to the source of Sanders' ire, another lab where Colonel Sargeant and General Mills are checking out the Replicator project. Fortunately, they have higher production values at the other lab. Meaning, they have a sliding automatic door!
Another doctor gives an overly technobabbly response that doesn't make a lick of sense, mainly because it's utter made up BS. So they ask Dr. Oliver to sum it up differently, and he just says, "Star Trek transporter". Now see, I can actually see the military applications here.
So they bring in a soldier to test the device out, and he starts losing his "Yes sir!" rhetoric the moment he hears anything about mortal danger. Smart man. And uh, can we maybe not test this while he's holding a gun filled with bullets? If there's 'mortal risk' maybe not carrying something with mini explosions in it is a bad idea?
They unplug the replicator, and the doors to the other room open up, so Private Waring can walk back in to show the experiment was a success. Or, they'll find a puddle of Waring pudding... Fortunately, that doesn't happen, but it's not a perfect experiment since a woman steps into the room dressed in Waring's clothes and carrying his weapon.
Naturally, Mills flips out over this, and Oliver tries to defend himself saying they tested it on lab rats, and YOU try and figure out what sex a lab rat is! Hey, pal, guess what? That's actually part of your job, and something you SHOULD be able to do!
They try desperately to justify how the experiment could turn a man into a woman, and it's about as much gibberish as you could imagine. Something about how the process stretches DNA, and because it was stretched, the male part was stretched right out. Or something.
Private Waring asks for a meeting with Olvier since he's noticing something isn't right. Ya think? The problem he's having is that he suddenly finds men very attractive. He has *zero* awareness that her body has changed in the experiment. ...Not the most observant private, I guess.
Meanwhile, Doctor Fields is having trouble with his brainwashing experiments, but convinces one of the Mills that if he's given complete control over the Replicator project, he can mix in his mind control during the process and somehow overwrite the brain before they're transported. Because what could possibly go wrong there?
We jump back to Doc Leatherface as Sanders asks if there were any other secret experiments, and he tells us about the S.H.I.T, and...NOOO! The movie rewound to the start of the film! Not again! make it stoooop!
Fields has taken over, and is interfacing his brainwashing tech with the replicator project, and they retrieve Waring to run him through the process a second time. Now, it's important to note that they have established it is not to undo the process. That can't be done with the machine as is. This is purely for the purpose of BRAINWASHING THIS POOR VICTIM.
The machine can't handle three subjects at once yet (Way to go, Fields!) and the building begins to shut down completely. Oliver does his best to try and get everyone out of the pattern buffer before they're lost for good in a power outage.
Waring drags off General Mills for some *cough* testing, and Oliver at least has the idea of using his newfound power over Hardy so he can command her to fix the device. Well, that's something at least.
Oliver confronts Fields over the brainwashing, and the science bullshit gets even worse when he says that with sending people through the machine plus the brainwashing, it could create a genetic time bomb.
Before this devolves into a late night Skinemax softcore porno, a scream draws some attention, and Oliver and Fields arrive just in time to see General Mills stumble out with a slashed throat, soon followed by his attacker, the now very transformed Private Waring.
So, that happened. That is one hell of a genetic time bomb. A real blast from the primordial past. The entire project is a T-wrecks. It is absolutely pterribledactyl. Should I stop now that these puns have made you dino-sore?
How bad can this really be, though? She should still be brainwashed, right? To be totally crazy nymphomaniacally in love with the dominant male? ...Oh wait, I guess that WOULD be worse. Since she's an alligator.
"When you programmed her with rampant nymphomania, you created a sex charged object of desire! She experienced a prehistoric orgasm, which stretched her genetic code, creating the creature we now have to deal with!" .........SCIENCE!
The government finally shows up with its goon squad, just as the Waringsaur breaks into the replicator lab. They try and get it between the cones to run it through once more, but instead shoot it with a device that Hardy and West came up with, instantly zapping the dino soldier into the buffer.
When the general and his men bust in, the women immediately turn on them and zap them into the machine's buffer as well. Uhhh. I'm gonna hope that their new superbrains that fixed the machine have also fixed that little disastrous crashing problem it had just from three people.
For some reason, the machine spits out Waring, back to female levels of normal, and it also spits out one of the goons, who has *ahem* spontaneously orgasmed himself into a dinosaur. I'm just shaking my head at this point.
Fields gets a gun and zaps West into the machine, but loses his juice before he can banish anyone else to the black hole. Oliver and Hardy bolt to try and fix things, with some issues from the brainwashing still affecting Hardy.
Which leads to even more crappy technobabble about how they can fix this by using genetic memory to brainwash people back into their normal selves. Yes, you heard me. Brainwashing to fix their sex changes because they remember being male.
Suddenly, the power issues are fixed, and the two doctors start zapping the rampaging gator babes, but the machine's working, more or less, and keeps spitting them back out. We kinda get stuck into a shooty, zappy loop for awhile.
Things go to hell, and the lab explodes. We pick back up three plus months down the road, with Colonel Sanders meeting with Oliver on a backroad somewhere for a deal. They never really say WHAT Sanders is buying, but I guess he wants the data and programming for the replicator brainwasher.
Oliver heads over to West's place to repay his debt, and to fix Dr. Fields, if that's what West wants. There's some blathering about how there was a protection file in the brainwasher that Fields installed to protect himself, so he was spat out as a woman. But it's fixed now, so whatever.
Also, he finds Hardy, and pretties her up again, and the movie misses a golden opportunity. All through this thing, Oliver has been telling people, 'You talk too much!" So when he tells Hardy of his plans to open a beauty shop, she naturally tells *him* before shagging, "Shut up!" No! No! You have her turn his phrase back on him and...oh, never mind.
The movie struggles for an ending as Sanders and Doc Leatherface chat some more, and we learn Leatherface has been making more replicator babes, with a second blaster. There's more gender swapping, they fight over the gun, and end up transformed themselves.
So after 90 minutes of bad science, bad alligators, bad special effects, and the biggest pile of cheese, the movie crashes to an ending. And no one gets a happily ever after here, damnit. There is naught but pain here.
Video: It leaves quite a bit to be desired, but isn't terrible. When it's dark, it hides a lot of the cheap flaws of the film, and they really shoulda stayed there more. Running through a well-lit office space...looks like running through someone's offices. And kills any possible horror of running from a bipedal alligator.
Body Count: This is the one thing that could've saved this movie, and it ended up being SORELY lacking. You would think ravenous, horny alligators would tear through people, but nope. Just grab a two by four...
1 - 48 minutes in, and General Mills (Or is it Colonel Sergeant?) gets his throat slashed by a humanoid dinosaur.
2 - One of the lower level canon fodder doctors dies at the hands of a repligator. Of course, they both come back as gay zombies and are reverted at the end of the movie, so the sum deaths is nil.
Movie Review: Ow. Ow ow ow. What even IS this movie? Who is it for?? This is an important question. The horror is nonexistant, and that's fine. It's got some okay moments. But then it is SO clearly trying to be a Skinemax softcore movie, it gets in the way of the horror. BUT! They so want to actually tell a story, and actually have the monsters rampaging a bit, that while there's frequently topless women, they actually go to great lengths to stay AWAY from getting too porny. If they actually made up their mind and went one way, or the other, even if that way is into the late night Skinemax family, there might actually be something here. Instead, the movie gets close to anything interesting on ANY front, and then goes in the other direction again. It's trying to be too much, and ends up failing at everything. As for how the movie is for a story, and direction, and production...well, I'm sure y'all can figure that out. The production values are *laughable* and the plot is so filled with barely justifiable technobabble... Terrible, terrible movie! One out of five gatorbabes.
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