The Killer 1989 Internet Archive
Edelmar Easley
"Whether we will remove him from commercials without explanation or write him out of the spots with a bloody police standoff, we have yet to decide. But we're confident the Hammurderer will be off the national radar by April."
"We have too many talented people wasting away on our unemployment rolls," Bush said. "And I say, if a broom-factory owner can give a man the opportunity to dunk handfuls of brittle, flammable straw into rank, filthy vats of molten tar for $6.15 an hour, then that broom-factory owner deserves a major tax break."
20 years ago, The Onion focused on multiple international stories involving war, peace and prosecution. A few weeks ago, we saw The Onion make fun of Bono in this NSFW infographic. This time, Bono merits a whole infographic.
"Every six months or so, Don will spend a couple consecutive Thursdays in the office when the new ads come in, poring over every one of them," said Presser, who in 1999 purchased a car from Liman, a "squirrely" 1991 Volkswagen Golf that his wife drove for two years before selling it back to Liman last April.
Just look at my grandson, Daniel. All he does is drive around in circles with his friends and listen to his bleep-bleep music. Doesn't he realize that while he wastes his time talking on the phone or sitting in front of the TV, his salad days are quickly slipping away?
Just thinking about all the OxyContin that's wasted on old folks makes me weep. You think the elderly are crushing it up to get heroin-like highs the way me and my friends would? No way. They're taking it in pussy, doctor-recommended doses like the scared little babies they are.
I\u2019ve been exhausted lately, but what gave me some energy in writing this newsletter was discussing my favorite Onion article ever (I told Substack this, so it\u2019s canon now). I\u2019ll try to explain why that is \u2014 or at least why this article is so well-written.
I didn\u2019t realize that last month (Feb. 25), The Onion ran the similar \u201CMonsanto Investor Removes Wedding Ring Before Taking Meeting With Tall, Busty Celery.\u201D Big thank-you to commenter EmilyPigeon for spotting that coincidence and sharing it.
Why do I love \u201CMcDonald's Drops 'Hammurderer' Character From Advertising\u201D so much? Yes, I was 18 when this article published. But I still laughed hard when re-reading it for the newsletter.
If you\u2019re not familiar, this story is about the McDonald\u2019s advertising character The Hammurderer, \u201Ca mischievous, homicidal imp who kills McDonaldland characters and takes their sandwiches\u201D and who has the signature catchphrase of \u201CStabble Stabble Stabble.\u201D
It\u2019s beautifully written like a real article from a newspaper or Advertising Age. DDB Needham was a real agency that worked with McDonald\u2019s for decades, and most of the McDonaldland characters are real1.
Even the fake McDonald\u2019s executives who defend the early advertisements sound like bad corporate PR \u2014 you could see someone actually saying, \u201CWell, Mayor McCheese does have an edible head, so \u2026\u201D
Sure, if there had been actual commercials during Saturday morning cartoons showing the Hammurderer garroting Birdie The Early Bird, that would be unconscionable. Likewise, we would be outraged if Happy Meals came with coloring books titled \u201CShivved In The McRibs.\u201D
But for this article, good God. The horrific nature of this character is in perfect contrast to how we normally think of characters like Ronald McDonald or the Hamburglar. The Onion\u2019s use of extremes extends to the McDonald\u2019s executives, who are blas\u00E9 about the whole thing:
\\\"Whether we will remove him from commercials without explanation or write him out of the spots with a bloody police standoff, we have yet to decide. But we're confident the Hammurderer will be off the national radar by April.\\\"
The beginning of the story suggests the Hammurderer is \u201Conly\u201D a killer. But we learn he\u2019s a prison escapee, he eats multiple McDonaldland characters (is that cannibalism?) and his murders seem less about burgers and more about sociopathic violence.
The Onion wisely waits until the last 2 paragraphs to up the ante. Only then it is revealed that McDonalds, in the 1980s, had even less redeemable characters \u2014 Shakes McJunkie and his replacement, The Machead. Both are addicted, one to shakes and the other to burgers, and will do anything to get a fix.
The Hammurderer is quickly becoming regarded as the worst-received advertising mascot since Kool-Aid's 1989 discontinuation of \\\"The Grapist,\\\" a huge purple monster who sodomizes thirsty children.
\u201CBush Calls On Business Leaders To Create 500,000 Shitty Jobs By 2003\u201D requires a different skill set than the \u201CHammurderer\u201D story. Both are written like news articles with twisted details, yes. But while the \u201CHammurderer\u201D story is relatively timeless, stories like this must stick closer to the real-life news cycle.
In 2002, the US was just emerging from a recession, and the midterm elections were coming up. President George W. Bush, like many politicians, pledges to improve the lives of Americans and create jobs \u2014 except the jobs, the pay and the benefits are intentionally lousy.
\\\"We have too many talented people wasting away on our unemployment rolls,\\\" Bush said. \\\"And I say, if a broom-factory owner can give a man the opportunity to dunk handfuls of brittle, flammable straw into rank, filthy vats of molten tar for $6.15 an hour, then that broom-factory owner deserves a major tax break.\\\"
Bush\u2019s plan is praised by Republicans, as well as business leaders in industrial waste removal and a \u201Ctoxic-adhesive rat-trap division.\u201D Sen. Russ Feingold, D-Wis., is against the plan, but even he offers a substandard alternative:
\u201CU.N. Tribunal Swayed By Thousands Of Children's Letters To Milosevic\u201D is a play on the famous scene from \u201CMiracle On 34th Street\u201D where all the letters to Santa are brought into court. Former Yugoslavia leader Slobodan Milosevic, being held for war crimes, is freed by the court, much like Kris Kringle was in the movie.
The Onion also asked people on the street about \u201CThe Saudi Peace Plan\u201D offered for Israel and Palestine. I do not remember this news story, and these jokes are mostly forgettable, too. I\u2019m also confused by this joke, even after reviewing 2002\u2019s Grammy winners. If anyone gets the reference, shout out in the comments, please:
Old-time references here include Volvos that run on diesel, the Mercury car brand and station wagons. Plus, you might remember when newspaper classified ads and print coupon publications \u2014 \u201Ccirculars\u201D \u2014 were a big deal:
\\\"Every six months or so, Don will spend a couple consecutive Thursdays in the office when the new ads come in, poring over every one of them,\\\" said Presser, who in 1999 purchased a car from Liman, a \\\"squirrely\\\" 1991 Volkswagen Golf that his wife drove for two years before selling it back to Liman last April.
\u201CDenver Optometrist Not Sure Why He Has Gay Cult Following\u201D is yet another quirky story in this week\u2019s issue. The premise is that optometrist Gene Podrewski \u2014 who is not a performer, not famous and apparently not gay \u2014 has a national following of gay men.
\u201CIn 1992, less than a year after the birth of Lauren, he was hit with a devastating series of misfortunes: a prized heirloom mirror broken during a crosstown move, an ankle sprained while playing softball at a picnic, and a pet salamander dead before its time.\u201D
I don\u2019t really get this article, but that\u2019s probably my failing. As a fun read without thinking too hard about any of it, it\u2019s enjoyable. The Onion also does a great job showing how bewildered Podrewski is by the attention, including from celebrities.4
\u201CArea Man Plays 'Imagine' Every Time He Sees A Piano\u201D feels, like the used-car story, as if The Onion knew someone who does this. I really like the last line: \u201CFriends say the habit has persisted since Moreland was in the fifth grade, when he switched to \u2018Imagine\u2019 from the Jaws theme.\u201D
First, \u201CAre You Coming To My Show Tonight?\u201D is a long-winded, aggressive pitch by a guitarist trying to get his buddy to see his band at an out-of-the-way bar. I recently went to see a friend\u2019s band and will do so again, but he did not sell me on the show like this.
The band\u2019s name is \u2026 well, it\u2019s a play on a certain word beginning with an R. I\u2019ve written how this word was widely used in 2002, even by the biggest newspapers. This does not age well, even if the other band names are good.
\u201CSo, you gonna show up? I guarantee a good time. We've been working on this flash pot to go off during our cover of \u2018Der Kommissar.\u2019 It'll be awesome. We have a friend who was supposed to breathe fire, but he broke his leg trying to fix his bookcase, so he can't go. It'll still be great even without that, though.\u201D
Our other column is a Point/Counterpoint, which is about generational rivalry. \u201CYouth Is Wasted On The Young vs. Medication Is Wasted On The Old\u201D starts off with an old person lamenting what they didn\u2019t accomplish and not wanting the youth to repeat those mistakes. He\u2019s also especially mad about his grandson spending money outfitting his car and otherwise wasting his time:
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