[The 4 Types Of People You Shouldn’t Take Relationship Advice From
Hanne Rylaarsdam
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Lately, I've been hearing some stories about people who followed the advice given to them by their close friends and it didn't turn out well at all. Sadly, this didn't do much good for any of the friendships involved.
The 4 Types of People You Shouldnt Take Relationship Advice From
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We care about our friends, and most of the time our friends sincerely care about us, but even so, these aren't always the best people to advise us on our problems in the workplace, with our families or in our relationships.
Our friends usually mean well and any bad advice they're giving us is arising out of their own misconceptions, but despite the absence of malicious intent, we still shouldn't necessarily go along with what they tell us to do.
Even if they work in a helping profession, being so close to us will make it very hard for them to maintain the objectivity and lack of vested interest required for giving good advice. We can't escape the fact that our friends are biased. Whether they realize it or not, they have an agenda for us.
Our friends are invested in the types of choices we make. Maybe they believe that we should do what they'd do in similar situations. Maybe they have an idea about how we ought to live our lives. Maybe they have self-serving reasons for telling us what to do. Either way, the advice our friends give is often neither objective nor tailored to our particular needs.
Some friends have more sinister motives when they offer us advice, and they reveal their true, hurtful nature by the way they counsel us. Their suggestions intentionally go counter to what would be best for us and if we followed their lead, we'd fulfill their malicious expectations.
Most of the time, though, our friends mean well and are trying to help us. They sincerely believe that what they're saying is in our best interests. We need to see that even though they love us and to some extent, understand us, they don't always know what's best for us.
When it comes to career or workplace issues, friends can give terrible advice. When we need to be careful and strategic, a friend will tell us instead to be demanding and assertive. When we need to walk away from a dead-end job, they'll tell us to stay, and try to make it work.
Our friends may be lovely people but that doesn't mean we ought to always listen to them. We need to recognize the distinction between someone who cares about us and someone who truly knows how to advise us. Sometimes they're the same person; sometimes not.
While the false friends who try to sabotage our success ought to be cut loose, we should continue to love and spend time with our good friends, keeping in mind the need for caution when it comes to taking their advice.
But then I figured that with access to hundreds of thousands of smart, amazing people through my website, I could go one step further. Why not consult my readers? Why not ask them for their best relationship/marriage advice? Why not synthesize all of their wisdom and experience into something straightforward and applicable to any relationship, no matter who you are?
In ancient times, people genuinely considered love a sickness. Parents warned their children against it, and adults quickly arranged marriages before their children were old enough to do something dumb on the back of their out-of-control emotions.
As I scanned through the hundreds of responses I received, I began to notice an interesting trend: People who had been through divorces almost always talked about communication being the most important part of making things work. Talk frequently. Talk openly. Talk about everything, even if it hurts.
If something bothers you in the relationship, you must be willing to say it out loud. Doing so builds trust, and trust builds intimacy. It may hurt, but you still need to do it because no one else can fix your relationship for you. Just as causing pain to your muscles allows them to grow back stronger, introducing some pain into your relationship through vulnerability makes the relationship stronger.
Be sure you have a life of your own, otherwise it is harder to have a life together. Have your own interests, your own friends, your own support network, and your own hobbies. Overlap where you can, but not being identical should give you something to talk about . . . and helps to expand your horizons as a couple.
People sung the praises of separate checking accounts, separate credit cards, having different friends and hobbies, taking separate vacations from one another each year (this has been a big one in my own relationship). Some even went so far as to recommend separate bathrooms and separate bedrooms.
Over the course of 20 years we both have changed tremendously. We have changed faiths, political parties, numerous hair colors and styles, but we love each other and possibly even more [than we once did]. Our grown kids constantly tell their friends what hopeless romantics we are. And the biggest thing that keeps us strong is not giving a fuck about what anyone else says about our relationship.
The relationship is a living, breathing thing. Much like the body and muscles, it cannot get stronger without stress and challenge. You have to fight. You have to hash things out. Obstacles make the marriage.
There is no 50/50 in housecleaning, child rearing, vacation planning, dishwasher emptying, gift buying, dinner making, money making, etc. The sooner everyone accepts that, the happier everyone is. We all have things we like to do and hate to do; we all have things we are good at and not so good at. TALK to your partner about those things when it comes to dividing and conquering all the crap that has to get done in life.
On top of that, many couples suggested laying out rules for the relationship more generally. To what degree will you share finances? How much debt will be taken on or paid off? How much can each person spend without consulting the other? What purchases should be done together, or do you trust each other to shop separately? How do you decide which vacations to go on?
Two years ago, I suddenly began resenting my wife for any number of reasons. I felt as if we were floating along, doing a great job of co-existing and co-parenting, but not sustaining a real connection. It deteriorated to the point that I considered separating from her; however, whenever I gave the matter intense thought, I could not pinpoint a single issue that was a deal breaker. I knew her to be an amazing person, mother, and friend. I bit my tongue a lot and held out hope that the malaise would pass as suddenly as it had arrived. Fortunately, it did, and I love her more than ever. So, the final bit of wisdom is to afford your spouse the benefit of the doubt. If you have been happy for such a long period, that is the case for good reason. Be patient and focus on the many aspects of her that still exist that caused you to fall in love in the first place.
You can work through anything as long as you are not destroying yourself or each other. That means emotionally, physically, financially, or spiritually. Make nothing off-limits to discuss. Never shame or mock each other for the things you do that make you happy. Write down why you fell in love and read it every year on your anniversary (or more often). Write love letters to each other often. [Put] each other first.
Do not complain about your partner to anyone. Love them for who they are. Make love even when you are not in the mood. Trust each other. Give each other the benefit of the doubt always. Be transparent. Have nothing to hide. Be proud of each other. Have a life outside of each other but share it through conversation. Pamper and adore each other.
We shall. Shall we do it again? We shall. Hey, it's Marie Forleo and you are watching Marie TV, the place to be to create a business and life you love, and this is Q&A Tuesday, and today's question comes from Miss Heather. And she writes, "Hi Marie, I heart you. Thank you for bringing uplifting guidance to my inbox every week." You're welcome. "Here's my question. I'm married to a successful entrepreneur whom I love dearly. I'm also an entrepreneur just starting a new business after six years in real estate. I welcome my husband's business advice, but sometimes I'm just like, can you shut it already? I compare myself to him enough as it is. When he questions my ideas, I get upset and defensive. He's a great guy and only trying to help, but it's causing tension. Do you have any suggestions for keeping the peace in our relationship while we both try to run our businesses in different ways?"
Thanks Marie. Great question, Heather, you are not alone. So many couples struggle with this and you're right. It can be tough when both of you guys are building businesses. Here are four questions you can ask yourself to help relieve the tension. Question number one, are you being a business tease? You may unwittingly be leading your husband into a trap by baiting him. Here's how. When we hear someone that we love is struggling with something we're expert at, we naturally want to go in and save the day. It's human nature. It's how we're wired, so your husband's desire to fix it is a very natural response, which means dangling your business issues in front of him and then rejecting his advice is a little bit like walking into the bedroom naked saying, "Yoo hoo," and then getting pissed if he wants to get a little. Yoo hoo.
Now I understand that you may want someone to just listen and empathize, someone you can just talk it out with, but his natural response is going to be to offer solutions and give advice. Now, if you don't want that, you have to be very, very clear every time that you bring up business that you're looking for someone to just lend an ear, and not give you solutions. Question number two, are you suffering in silence? Now, if he's the one asking questions and offering unsolicited advice, but you haven't said it bothers you, it's time to end the silence now.
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