Gadzooks 20th Feb 2009
Jayne Mee
Subscribe: gadzooks-...@googlegroups.com
Some of the pictures/cartoons may offend the easily offended....what are you doing subscribed to an adult list anyway????
I put a lot of time and hard work into
bringing Gadzooks to you daily!
Please show your appreciation by buying
something advertised on the newsletter. Show your thanks and get great items at
even greater
prices!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Today's Jokes
The two ladies were discussing a news article concerning gasoline
fumes causing impotence in the male.
"Aren't you worried about your
husband's new job at the gas station? Those fumes could cause him to lose the
lead in his pencil."
"Doesn't matter." giggled the other lady. "He
doesn't do all my writing anyway."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Here are some pretty heartless things to say to a women in dressing rooms...
That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it?
I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths yesterday.
Hey, get out of here you filthy pervert! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were a man...
I had a dress like that. My boyfriend made me throw it away because he said it made me look like Edna Everage.
Pardon me, but I think that will clash terribly with your pimples...
Excuse me, but would you stop staring at me? Yes, YOU
Look, if you're that desperate to attract a man I'll fix you up myself
Excuse me for asking, but you seem to know something I don't. Is the plain, severe and drab' look in this season?
Size 12? That's a bit optimistic isn't it?
Hi, I'm from Weightwatchers...
I wouldn't buy that dress if I were you. All it does is accentuate your roots
Excuse me, but since you're obviously colourblind would you like any help?
Isn't it funny how some clothes just accentuate the tummy like that?
God, you're fat. Don't you care about yourself?
I'm sorry, I owe you an apology. I'm the store detective and I followed you in here because I thought you'd stuffed six dresses, four skirts and a raincoat up your jumper but I can see now that it's really all you
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
We thought this standardized form would help simplify the dating process and make it more business-like...
Dear _______________,
I regret to inform you
that you have been eliminated from further contention as "The Perfect Guy
[ ] Girl [ ]". As you are probably aware, the competition was
exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also
failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file
should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your
future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you
were disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that
apply)
___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking
it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first
name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out
in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our first dining experience to date
has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little
tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the
truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than
my personality.
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20
questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about
myself.
___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my
pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
___You're too short. Any son
that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at
recess.
___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from
trying to kiss you.
___You have a hairy back.
___I find your
inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that
your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear
is unbreakable.
___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in
conversation.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of
Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to
your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic
stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am
seeking in a long term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to
your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical
inches, please resubmit your application.
___Somehow I doubt those
condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a
successful business trip.
___I am out of your league; set your sights
lower next time.
Sincerely,
_________________________________
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
MEN'S GUIDE TO SELECTING THEIR CLOTHES
We all know that men are not quite as adept at fashion as women. In fact guys will pretty much wear anything, anytime, with anything. This creates the false impression that guys just "throw" any old thing on. This however is not the case. As this handy little guide points out, getting dressed is a highly complex and organized ritual for men.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis. His doctor tells him 2 ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of milk. Later his wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of milk. Good heavens, she remarks, I always wondered how u re-loaded those things!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
When you die, your entire porn collection flashes before
your eyes...
Because you didn't delete it and now it's too late.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the
students, pointing out some of the rules:
“The female dormitory will be
out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female
students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.
Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there
any questions?”
Then one of the student asked, “How much for a season
pass?”
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Do you really know your theology?
Who was the 3rd man in history
to walk on water?
The 1st one was Christ.
The 2nd was the apostle
Peter.
Then there was this guy Jose…
Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin, 3 hours later saw the same 4 men with the same coffin.
Thought to myself, they’ve lost the fuckin plot
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Is this a record?
Just my luck to get a tap dancer
So I stuck it in her arse and came on her face. She got mad with me.
I guess we don't watch the same movies!
I couldn't help thinking, try closing your eyes!
I really regret making them now.
We figure they eat a lot less than English children, plus they make their own trainers.
I told them that it's never too late in life to do things that you've always wanted to do.
So they've put me up for adoption
If it all goes wrong and he ends up joining 'Fathers 4 Justice', he'll save a fortune on finding a fitting Spiderman costume.
I mean, I had a 30 year head start over the little shit and I've never gotten laid!
Today's jewels!
Sterling silver 925 ring
stones : Peridot (Genuine)
Weight: 6g
Price including shipping: $22.99
Sizes available 6 7 8
Please click the link and state your size a paypal invoice will be sent to you.
jayn...@yahoo.com?subject=peridot.ring.esr124009.22.99
Great offers on every newsletter - don't miss out!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
http://stores.ebay.co.uk/bee-bop-kids-clothes
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
GREEK NEWS
A Carnival float depicting two monks, one of whom is supposed to be Ephraim, the central figure in the Vatopedi land-swap scandal with the state, sits in a Patras warehouse yesterday after Church organizations took legal action seeking its withdrawal from forthcoming Carnival celebrations. A Patras court yesterday was deliberating an appeal by a local religious organization that city authorities be fined for authorizing the float which, it claims, offends religious sentiment. Several monasteries have written to local authorities seeking the float’s withdrawal.
*************************************************************************************
Sex Toy Warehouse
http://www.sextoysex.com/sex/start/warning.html?a=gadz
*************************************************************************************
A word from Jayne
Long time no see! What have you all been up to? In Greece we are in the middle of carnival time -ending next Sunday. The weather is quite cold so I doubt there will be any 'Rio de Janerio' type costumes in chilly Preveza!
Sometimes it's good just to stay at home and listen to some good music - that's how I came across the radio web station below.
If you like 80s style funk, soul etc - you'll love this station!
The guy who runs it does a live show all day Sunday and if you're in the chat room you can request songs there and/or leave him messages in the guest book. I asked him to play Zoom (Fat Larry's Band) last week and it was such a thrill hearing 'and this next song goes out to Jayne in Greece'.
Maybe I'll see some of you in the chat room this Sunday.
http://91.121.162.95:8000/listen.pls
site
http://www.vinylmorpher.co.uk/
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Today's pictures and cartoons!
Have a great day!
Gadzooks!
Want to UNSUBSCRIBE? - Please do not
ask me to do it - this is an opt in list.... you subscribed, you are the one
that must unsubscribe yourself.
It's easy - send a blank email to:
gadzooks-u...@googlegroups.com
