Sept 30th
JAYNE MEE
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Today's Jokes
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
when it was in her room but she called it "Ballpoint" when it was
in the sty. "Tell me," he asked her father, "Why do you have two
names for your pig?" "That's easy," she replied. "Ballpoint is
just his pen name."
for male dogs called "Bitches Gone
Crazy." The great thing is I'll be able to cram in just
as many exposed nipples, but
with only one-quarter the number of models!
scaredy-cat. The first kid says, "My dad is so scared
that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."
The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared
that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next
door."
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Today's link
WHEN YOU'RE NOT SURE if THEY'RE DEAD YET
Check the
log (scroll down)
http://www.fiftiesweb.com/dead/dead-people-2007.htm
PLEASE GIVE ME UP TO 45 MORE MINUTES,
I'm still digesting
lunch.
http://www.unani.com/digestion_time_of_foods.htm
SEE WHICH COUNTRY HAS THE OIL
by relative map
size.
http://tinyurl.com/22j5mc
THE FedEx CLOCK
When you absolutely positively can't
think of
anything else to do.
http://www.loveyourmouse.com/awards/cannes/justintime.html
I DON'T BLAME THEM,
sausage was on sale.
http://tinyurl.com/3yod6f
Thanks
George
This is a true story about a recent wedding
that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with over 300
guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took
the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone
for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He
especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to
thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank
everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give
everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair
(even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was
his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes.
Inside
each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the
bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private
detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and
watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best
man and said ''F--- you !'' he then turned to the bride and said ''F--- you !''
and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said..... ''Thanks, I'm out of
here.''
He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.
While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding
out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was
wrong. His revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300
guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen.
3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of
all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and
nephews, etc.... Ya gotta love this guy.
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Men vs. Women vs. the Short Story
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well,
here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist
University:
In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will
experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each
person will pair off with the person sitting to his other immediate right. One
of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will
read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first
person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to
re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The
story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. The following was
actually turned in by two of my English students, Rebecca [last name deleted]
and Gary [last name deleted.] "
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which
kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy
evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier
times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep
her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said
into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of
resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam
flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt
from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities
towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently
Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The
news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,
dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree with
no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent
wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's
innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she
know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the
city, the Au'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion
missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace
Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the
hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two
hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for
Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to
stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion
missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret
mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other
Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't
allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Asshole.
Bitch.
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Today's jewels!
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http://stores.ebay.co.uk/Asimenia-Sterling-Silver
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Jayne's Useless Gif
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LINKS
Adult Jokes
http://www.jokeworm.com/jokes2
Hunks
http://www.jokeworm.com/newhunks/
Babes
http://www.jokeworm.com/newbabes/
Adult Funny Pics
http://www.jokeworm.com/newpics/
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GREEK NEWS
A self-styled astrologist from Thessaloniki was yesterday ordered to stand trial on fraud charges after allegedly obtaining some 145,000 euros from her friend by claiming she could lift an evil spell so the woman’s partner would return to her.
The unnamed astrologist allegedly convinced her friend to give her the money over a nine-month period while promising that she was using her powers to get the couple back together again.
However, the suspect forced her friend to sign declarations that stated she was loaning the money to the alleged fraudster. The alleged victim recently reported the matter to Thessaloniki police, saying that it was now clear that her partner would not be coming back.
A court of misdemeanors ruled that the accused should face charges of repeated fraud
The other person should be charged with stupidity!
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Sex
Toy Warehouse
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A word from Jayne
In an ongoing attempt to make myself 'presentable' I've had my hair streaked blonde again - this is a panic attempt as we are going to UK as I mentioned before. We also have a wedding to go to up in the mountains next week. Life is soooo busy here. Trying to find clothes to wear in UK is hell as it's still really hot here and there are no winter clothes available. Last year I made do with grotty Chinese cheap clothes - but UK ...... I have to wear something decent - my school friends are still living there.
I've been watching Gordon Ramsey's programmes online at http://www14.alluc.org/alluc/ (great site keeps my slow days at the shop enjoyable) I watched the UK programmes where he helps restaurants get back on their feet and the USA Hell's kitchen - the latter was a bit strange - do the Americans like our British mean men? First Simon and Hugh (house) now Gordon. If you watch Ramsey on the UK programmes he's much softer and a real 'people' man - but the USA one he's cruel! Have to say his group of 'chefs' were a sorry bunch and it was pretty obvious who was going to win from the beginning! So guys what's your opinion on these mean men from across the pond??? As usual I fancy Mr Ramsey, according to my sister I am a freakin weirdo! You lot have known that a long time hehe
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Today's pictures and cartoons!
Have a great day!
Gadzooks!
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