13th Nov 2007
JAYNE MEE
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Today's Jokes
Ali G's Nursery Rhymes
Old mother hubbard,
Went to da cupboard,
To get her old
dog a bone.
When she bent over,
Rover took over,
And gave da bitch a
bone of his own.
Hickory, dickory, dock,
Dis bitch was sucking me cock,
Da
clock struck two,
I dumped me goo,
And dropped her at da end of da block.
Mary had a little lamb,
She kept in da backyard.
When she
took her panties off,
His wooly dick got hard.
Dere was an old lady oo lived in a shoe,
She ad so many
kids,
Her uterus fell out.
Jack and Jill went up da hill,
Each with a dollar and a
quarter,
Jill came down with two dollars fifty,
Da dirty hoe.
Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
Trim dat pussy,
It too damn
hairy.
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Pre-Nuptial Agreement
I, the undersigned, a
female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that..
Section 1: In the unlikely
event of my not having an orgasm after you've
drunkenly rolled on top of me
and pumped away for five *whole* minutes,
wheezing like an old man with
emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
Section 1.01: And it'll be a really
good act too, with me saying stuff
like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is
all about!" and howling like a
cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a
pin.
Section 1.02: I will never ask for more *foreplay*.
Section
2: I fully understand that a woman's main role in any
relationship is to take
the blame. So when you stub your toe in the
bathroom or your football team
loses, I agree that - by some complex
scientific equation incomprehensible to
woman - it will be my fault.
Even if I wasn't there.
Section 3:
Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out,
I will tell
them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan
yak and an
elephant would jealous of your genitalia.
Section 3.01: I shall mention
*often* your sexual prowess and longevity
in the bedroom.
Section
3.02: And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
Section 4:
After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I
will not expect
you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor
will I let my hair
annoyingly get in your face.
Section 4.01: I will never, ever give your
penis a "cute" nickname.
Section 5: In bed, I will be as keen as mustard
to try any novel sexual
position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all
the work and you just
lie there, grinning.
Section 5.01: I will
ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends
and inform you if any of
them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies.
Then I'll invite them around
for dinner. And hide their car keys so they
have to stay.
Section
5.02: I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in
order to keep
my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake
of beer may cause
your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month
pregnancy.
Section
5.03: I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact
that a baby's
butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
Section 5.04: I promise
to shave every *possible* inch of my body and
will always love your *weekend*
beard...
Section 6: After we split up, I will never sleep with any of
your friends
or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day
meet. And
if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you
have
"ruined me for other men".
Section 6: I understand that
mechanical objects like cars, computer
games and remote control devices are
beyond the comprehension of women. I
will only make a fool of myself if I
attempt to operate them, so you're
in charge of anything
*mechanical*.
Section 6.01: With the exception of the following household
items: iron,
washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage
disposal, garbage
can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.
Being of
sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.
Signed
____________________________________ (female)
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I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual
check-up,
She said I have to stop wanking,
I said "Why?"
She
said "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
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CONGRATULATIONS from sweetshop.com you have won the weight of your dick in sweets.To collect your Tic-Tac please contact us at Tinyknob.com
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Two drunks are in a bar when one of them notices a
beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I really
wanna dance with dat girl."
The other drunk replies, " Go head and aks
her, don't be thuch a chicken thit."
So the man approaches the lovely
woman and says, "Scuse me. Would you like to boogey ooggie woogie?"
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now
I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance."
So the
man humbly returns to his friend.
"So what did she say?" asks the
friend.
The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni,
and would rather shit in her pants."
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A gay guy walks into the doctors office. He takes
off his clothes for examination. When he takes his clothes off the doctor sees a
Nicoderm patch at the end of his penis. The doctor says.."Hmmm, thats
interesting...Does it work?"
The man answers.."Sure does..I haven't had a
butt in 3 weeks!"
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OLDIE BUT GOODIE
The last time I spent 5 whole
minutes on
a web site probably involved George Clooney... but I sat through
this thing
again in it's entirety. If that's not
an
accolade...
http://www.theevolutionofdance.com/
TRUST ME, WHEN I DO CATS AGAIN,
it's because they overwhelm me
with
some kind of Feline Force.
http://www.thelolcats.com/
WHEN MOTHER NATURE HAS TO TAKE A LEAK,
let her.
http://m3.lackcolor.com/piles/?s=naturesnewriver
WHO KNEW PRESIDENT
BUSH
had a Glamorous Side?
http://www.taktaz.com/temp/gwb.html
Thanks George
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Today's jewels!
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Will be adding new children's clothes today .... need Christmas presents?
http://stores.ebay.co.uk/bee-bop-kids-clothes
I'm selling Zoe and Natalia's dresses that no longer fit them... see link below
http://stores.ebay.co.uk/Asimenia-Sterling-Silver
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Jayne's Useless Gif
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LINKS
CLEANING YOUR COMPUTER MONITOR
SCREEN
I had this sent to me. Have a look, I have no idea how this
works
but its bloody clever...
Anyone who's ever owned an aquarium
knows that you have to clean
the glass on the inside, sooner or later. Some
people used to do
that with a brush that is held to the glass by a magnet on
the
outside. In that way you can clean the inside glass from the
outside
by moving the brush up and down the glass with the
magnet
apparatus.
The same goes for the inside of the monitor screen
you are
watching right now. Up until now there was no such cleaner,
but
thanks to Microsoft there
now is!
Just Click on the below link and move your curser up, down,
back,
and forth... This will clean the backside of your monitor
screen.
The results are amazing.
My computer screen looks much, much
better now. You will be
amazed at the difference and how much better and
clearer the
words appear and less strain on your eyes...
For the best
results it is recommended to do a thorough inside
cleaning at least once
weekly.
I do mine 3 - 4 times a day now, just to aid my
failing
eyesight....
Click Below To Clean Your Screen!
http://www.25-88.com/clean_your_monitor/brush.swf
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GREEK NEWS
A Turkish-flagged vessel, transporting 275 illegal Iraqi immigrants, was towed to safety in a port in the Peloponnese yesterday after foundering in rough seas on Saturday night.
Authorities said the captain of the Aktag motor ship, which was bound for Italy after leaving Turkey, sent out a call for help late on Saturday after experiencing engine failure about 11 miles off Katakola. The 12 crew members and the ship’s captain were all Turkish nationals.
Small coast guard vessels could not immediately respond because of winds of up to 100 kilometers an hour and rough seas. Yesterday a larger Greek ship towed the vessel to Katakola and the illegal immigrants, including women and children, were taken for health checks. Sources said that 12 of the children were hospitalized with signs of dehydration and hypothermia.
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