28th Nov 2007
JAYNE MEE
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Christmas is nearly here! Read on .....
I know I have loads of guys subscribed to this newsletter - guys do yourself a favor - get the girlfriend/wife a piece of jewelry from Gadzooks - I've featured more than usual today as Christmas is just round the corner - No shopping outing needed - just click the links (pay by credit card or Paypal) and I'll be in contact asap! Don't get caught out this year when the lady says ... 'Don't bother getting me anything' we DON'T mean this it's a TRICK (a test)! You have been warned!
Today's Jokes
Brits ...........
1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur
Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it
was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged
for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his
house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
2) Police reveal that a woman
arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why,
she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The
Manchester Evening News)
3) Irish police are being handicapped in a
search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special
Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks
like.
(The Guardian)
4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on
a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast
guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The
Times)
5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a
coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry,
but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown
his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
6) Mrs.
Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her
reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her
garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed
a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in
February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening
Echo)
A list of actual announcements that London Tube
train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get
home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case
you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite
direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll
let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do
you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday
was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that
there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means
we probably won't reach our destination."
4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we
apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and
we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds
off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles,
hanging on a wall.....'."
5) "We are now travelling through Baker
Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if
they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think
about things like that".
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please
do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change,
please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7)
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a
West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman...
unfortunately, towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the
train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if
I care - I'm going home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not
to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and
separate instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming
from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw
yourself or your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because
some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
12) "To the gentleman
wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of
'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
13) "Please move all
baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from
the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit
wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move
your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove
them up your a**e sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there
is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you
are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the
carriage."
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Company Policy:
Effective from January 2008
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
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Q. What is the difference
between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell
it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your
mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the
height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your
vasectomy.
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN
KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."
Q: WHAT DO
YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a
Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A:
Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your
house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP
IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to
scratch...
Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
A: Running
into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
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Robert Gates briefed the President this morning,. He told Bush that Three Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the colour ran from Bush's face, the he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Gates, "Just how many is three Brazillion?"
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WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER
DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a
genius)
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Top Ten Suggestions for Guys While Playing Golf and/or Taking a Leak in a Public Bathroom..
10. Back straight, knees bent,
feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head
down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the
water.
5. Try not to hit anyone.
4. If you are taking too long,
please let others go ahead of you.
3. Don't stand directly in front of
others.
2. Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
1.
Don't take extra strokes.
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Q: What's the nicest thing
about a nudist wedding?
A: You don't have to ask - you can see who the best
man is.
Thanks
Wuppert
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Today's link
Santa's Christmas Flight - A Fun
video
http://www.humorhaus.com/hh952.htm
<a href="http://www.humorhaus.com/hh952.htm">
See It Now</a>
A Dozen Christmas Roses - A
moving inspiration
http://www.dobhran.com/greetings/GRinspire102.htm
<a href="http://www.dobhran.com/greetings/GRinspire102.htm">
See It Now</a>
FUNNY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3M2_2YZG9s
Thanks George
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Today's jewels!
Great offers on every newsletter - don't miss out!
Review on earrings from a previous email: Got the earrings :-) They are gorgeous! Thank you :)
If you have anything to say about the jewelry you've order - please let me know - feedback really appreciated!
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Children's clothes
http://stores.ebay.co.uk/bee-bop-kids-clothes
Great presents at .......
http://stores.ebay.co.uk/Asimenia-Sterling-Silver
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Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like
making love to a
beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her
out on
the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you
clean
your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your
handiwork.
Thanks Wuppert
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Jayne's Useless Gif
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Useless facts
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth
are:-
Malboro, Coca-Cola and Budweiser - in that order.
Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
No word in the English dictionary rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no-one knows why.
Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is screeched.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
A pack-a-day smoker will on average lose 2 teeth, every 10 years.
When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop...even your heart.
Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
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GREEK NEWS
Cyprus is looking for divine intervention to overcome its worst drought in almost 10 years, as the island’s archbishop, Chrysostomos II, has asked priests to pray for rain when they preach their sermons on Sunday.
In a circular issued to all of Cyprus’s priests yesterday, Chrysostomos called for special prayers to be offered on December 2 to end the drought.
“Justifiably, our people are anxious, because if the drought continues there will be severe consequences not only for agriculture, livestock farming and forestry but also for the sources by which our towns and villages are supplied with water,” the archbishop said.
Reservoir levels are at only 8 percent of capacity, compared to 25 percent at the same time last year. Reservoir levels in Cyprus are at their lowest since 1998.
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Sex Toy Warehouse
http://www.sextoysex.com/sex/start/warning.html?a=gadz
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A word from Jayne
I've found Nemo!
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Today's pictures and cartoons!
Have a great day!
Gadzooks!
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