18th Sept 2007
JAYNE MEE
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Today's Jokes
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!
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scroll down
Why is the 69 position is like driving in
rush hour?
The asshole is always in front of you!
A Chin Rest!
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?
Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
Something smells fishy around here.
Self employed.
Because two out of every three Texas men eat with their hats on!
Sugar's when you kiss her on the lips ..........
Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake the exorcist?
Its about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son!
A 10 that swallows!
How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?
He marks the camels that kick
superior, that now every time it rains I get an erection"
"Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets."
Its about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son!
"Anyone remember that fairytale about the uncircumcised troll?
"I think it was called Rumpled Foreskin " "
2. Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
3. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
5. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
6. Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
7. If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.
8. My kid got your honour roll student pregnant.
9. Thank you for pot smoking.
10. To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
11. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counselling.
12. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
14. Horn broken...watch for finger.
15. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
16. If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
"I was stopped once for going fifty-three in a thirty-five mile zone, but I told them I had dyslexia." --Spanky
"I was a stewardess for a while on a helicopter. For about five or six people, tops, I'd ask, 'Would you like something to drink? You would? Then we're going to have to land.'"
"Next week, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton will work a shift as a nurse at a Las Vegas hospital. You thought your doctor's hands were cold. And since she has no training or experience in the nursing field, she will only tend to patients on HMOs" -
"Scientists have said they may have figured out a way to travel through time. For years now I've known of a potion that can let you travel through time..it's called tequila."-
One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge.
He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.
The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"
"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe.
"Leona Helmsley passed away a couple of weeks ago and left $12 million to her dog. Big deal. Trump is leaving $50 million to that thing on his head." -Dave Letterman
"Hotel billionaire Leona Helmsley passed away earlier this month after, I think, a girl in red slippers dumped a pail of water on her head." -
"Scientists in China say they have found a dolphin they previously thought was extinct. Scientists say the dolphin is rare, beautiful, and delicious with hot mustard sauce."
--
Parents can be very upset when their children don't get into the college of their choice. As an admissions counselor for a state university, I took a call from an irate mother who was demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down.
Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of D's, I explained that her daughter just wasn't as "competitive" as the admitted class.
"Why doesn't she try anther school for a year and then transfer?" I suggested.
"Another school!" exclaimed the Mother. "Have you seen her grades?"
"I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead." --Sue Kolinsky
"When you were a little kid remember how hard it was to get a cookie? Way in the back, unless your mom was really mean - then they'd be on top of the refrigerator. Nowhere on a package of Oreos does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small children.' Where's the Liquid Drano? Under the sink, right next to the rest of the poisons." -
"Dell computers is offering refunds for customers in China who sued after getting the wrong microprocessors in their laptops. Apparently the Americans speaking to the Chinese through their workers in India somehow had some sort of miscommunication. " -Jim Barach
Housewives aren't the only ones struggling in the suburbs. One nursery in my town advertised, 'Desperate Houseplants- 25% off!'
'LOST' screamed the ad in my local paper in Celina. Ohio. 'Female medium-size gray tiger cat. Answers to Lucy or Here Kitty,Kitty, Kitty.'
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Today's link
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Today's jewels!
Great offers on every newsletter - don't miss out!
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http://stores.ebay.co.uk/bee-bop-kids-clothes
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Jayne's Useless Gif
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LINKS
Adult Jokes
http://www.jokeworm.com/jokes2
Hunks
http://www.jokeworm.com/newhunks/
Babes
http://www.jokeworm.com/newbabes/
Adult Funny Pics
http://www.jokeworm.com/newpics/
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GREEK NEWS
By Nick Malkoutzis
Statisticians, commentators, analysts and politicians will be poring over the election results today hoping to find a defining piece of evidence that proves beyond doubt what it is that drives Greek politics today.
Whatever the numbers may show, the truth is that the answers can be found by picking apart the remains of the brief but frantic election campaign we experienced over the last month.
«Conservative prejudices are rooted in a great past, and Liberal ones in an imaginary future,» said A.J. Balfour, who was British prime minister between 1902 and 1905.
However, the election campaign saw a reversal of the traditional roles that Balfour described.
The ruling conservatives, New Democracy, pledged a new future for Greece. There would be more reforms and no return to the «insecurity» of the past, promised Prime Minister Costas Karamanlis.
PASOK, on the other hand, harked back to the eras of Andreas Papandreou and Costas Simitis, the two Socialist prime ministers who shaped Greece over the last 25 years or so.
Andreas Papandreou had been the man of «change,» his son George wanted to be the man of «new change» but nevertheless felt the need to call Simitis onto the stage at PASOK's final public rally in Athens last Thursday.
Greece's two main parties may have been looking to a «great past» or an «imaginary future» but their election campaigns made it clear that they are not willing to deal with the uncertain present.
The wildfires in the Peloponnese and Evia curtailed the fleeting campaign period but did not prevent politicians from talking endlessly on some topics. On the issues that mattered, however, there was deadly silence.
Much was said about the «organized plan,» or lack thereof, that allegedly led to forests being burned. Nothing was said about developing an organized plan to protect the environment or the forests that remain.
There was plenty of talk about the failings of the so-called «state mechanism» but no mention of what can be done to make this mechanism resemble more than just a collection of ill-fitting spare parts.
We heard a lot about the ills of pension funds investing in structured bonds but hardly anything about what structure will be introduced to ensure that our pensions are paid in the future. There was further furor over the content of a history textbook for primary schoolchildren but no fuss was made about the quality and training of the people that teach these youngsters.
The campaign trail may have been short but both main parties steered well clear of the university reforms pothole. Greek teenagers remain unsure of what their future holds. As for health system, the closest we came to a discussion on this issue was speculation about the impact that Archbishop Christodoulos's absence in the USA for a liver transplant would have on the election.
Meanwhile, economic indicators were flashed before our eyes like aces being pulled from the pack but the parties kept their cards close to their chests when it came to telling voters what measures they will take to increase their wages or reduce the cost of living.
Unemployment is falling, New Democracy assured voters. A sleight of hand by creative statisticians, claimed PASOK.
Neither suggested how the job market might be fairer for young Greeks, women in particular, who remain woefully underused and over-exploited.
The election winner, we were told, would manage the economy with aplomb. But just in case we were not convinced, in the final week of the campaign, the party leaders transformed themselves into game show hosts to hand out financial prizes to voters who managed to put a cross in the right box on Sunday.
New Democracy and PASOK may have alluded to the «great past» and «imaginary future» that Balfour spoke of but at the end of the campaign, another of the late British prime minister's sayings comes to mind when searching for the current driving force behind Greek politics: «Nothing matters very much and most things don't matter at all.»
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