19th Nov 2007
Jayne Mee
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Some of the pictures/cartoons may offend the easily offended....what are you doing subscribed to an adult list anyway????
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Today's Jokes
... A man comes home after a hard day's work, and is looking
forward to relaxing. He pours himself a glass of wine, eats a delicious
home-cooked meal prepared by his wife, and goes up to his bedroom, where he and
his wife have separate beds. His wife follows him up a few minutes later.
"Honey-woney," the man says, "I just want to thank you for fixing me such a
delicious meal. I am blessed to have such a wife as you." He then turns out the
light and tries to sleep. After several minutes he finds he can't nod off.
"Sweety pie," he calls out, "I'm lonely." His wife gets out of bed and makes
her way accross the room, but she slips and bangs her nose. "Did my little bunny
fall and hurt her nosey-wosey?" the man asks, as his wife climbs in bed with
him.
There follows a 3 hour session of sex. When the couple have finished,
the wife heads back over to her own bed, and as she goes she slips up a second
time.
"Clumsy Bitch," the man mutters.
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Help get the girl dressed
http://www.seethru.co.uk/games/girlie_night_out.htm
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Please read all!
1.Start at LondonHeathrowAirport.
2.Catch flight from London Heathrow to DallasFort WorthAirport.
3.Hire car at DallasFort WorthAirport.
4.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" follow for 0.2 miles.
5.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for0.3miles
6.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North AirportExit" -follow for 2.9 miles
7.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2miles
8.Then continue on "US287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
9."US287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles
10.Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles
11."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles
12.Continue to follow "US287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles
13.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles
14.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles
15.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles
16.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles
17.Arrive at the centre of town.
please scroll down
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Now that's the fu#&ing way to Amarillo!
SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW . . . .
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On May Day, the girls of Penzance,
Being bored
with the lack of romance,
Joined the Workers' Parade
With their banner
displayed --
"What the Pants of Penzance need is Ants!"
A lissom psychotic named Jane
Once kissed every
man on a train;
Said she: "Please don't panic!
I'm just nymphomanic.
It
wouldn't be fun were I sane."
From the depths of the crypt at St.
Giles
Came a scream that echoed for miles.
Said the Vicar: "Good
gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"
There once was a young man named Dave
Who kept a
dead whore in a cave.
He said, "What the hell,
You get used to the
smell,
And think of the money I save!"
There once was a man named Matt
Who was short,
bald, ugly, and fat.
I'm willing to bet,
The only pussy he gets
Is when
he goes home to his cat.
There once was a lad named Kevin
Whose
girlfriend was four foot eleven.
She looked at his cock
When it was hard
as a rock,
And it was ten inches long...minus seven.
There once was a woman named Ann
Who was said to
be quite like a man.
When nature did call,
She ran down the hall,
And
went to the gentleman's can.
There was a young lady named Hall,
Wore a
newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught fire,
And burned her
entire
Front page, sports section, and all
There once was a poor man named Crocket
Whose
balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
So she cranked on the
switch,
And Crocket took off like a rocket!
There was a young girl from France
Who got on a
train, by chance.
The engineer fucked her,
As did the conductor,
And
the brakeman came in his pants.
There was a young gal from Montana
Who had an
affair with a banana.
She hugged it and squeezed it,
Loved it and teased
it, and said
It tastes better than a mana."
There was a young lady named Maud
A terrible
society fraud:
In company, I'm told
She was awfully cold.
But if you
got her alone, Oh Gawd!
There was a young dolly named Molly
Who
thought that to frig was folly.
Said she, "Your pee-pee
Means nothing to
me,
But I'll do it just to be jolly."
There was a young lady of Twickenham
Who
thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
On her knees every day
To God she
would pray
To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
There was a young man of Ostend
Whose wife
caught him fucking her friend.
"It's no use, my duck,
Interrupting our
fuck,
For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."
There was a young man of Natal
Who was
fucking a Hottentot gal.
Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
Said he, "You be
buggered!
I like to fuck slow, and I shall."
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Presenting Rude Rover, the Christmas dog with no class! He sings and toots the favorite holiday song 'Jingle Bells'. Press his ear to start him singing and watch his lips move. Hold his tail to hear him toot the same song, synchronized to the music! His mouth moves while he sings and his butt moves while he toots!
http://www.prankplace.com/ruderover.htm?kbid=3067
Read with a Scottish accent and you'll get it!
Oh whit a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer
belly efter the feastie
Jist as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts tae
stir an enormous win'
The neeps 'n' tatties 'n' mushy peas
Stert workin'
like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin' wi' the sauncie face
Will hae ye
blawin' a' ower the place
Nae maiter whit the hell ye dae
A'bodys gonnae
hiv tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle
Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try an' stop the leakin'
air
Shify yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it disnae reek
But
aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder
Ricochets
aroon the room
Michty me a sonic boom
God almichty it fairly
reeks
Hope a huvnae s**t ma breeks
Tae the bog a better scurry
Aw whit
the hell, it's no ma worry
A'body roon aboot me chokin
Wan or twa are
nearly bokin
A'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile
Wis him! A shout wi' accusin glower
Alas too late, he's jist keeled
ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
A dinnae feel welcome ony mair
Where e'er ye be let yer wind gang free
Sounds like jist the job fur
me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
Ower the sake o' wan wee farty
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Guys you know you want to impress us with your Dick Tricks!
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I'll tell you a short poem;
I'll try to make it
quick.
You might think it quite harmless;
You might well find it sick.
The subject is quite simple:
The joy of having a dick.
Penises are super things;
You ladies should be
jealous.
Ever since the early days,
When it was small and hairless;
I've looked upon that bit of flesh,
As something very precious.
It starts to grow dramatically,
When you're
about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side;
Your willy in between.
When erect it's quite a sight;
A purple love machine.
It dangles neatly down below;
Obedient and
loyal.
Its seeds are hidden well within;
Awaiting some fresh soil.
At
the slightest hint of lust,
It's ready to uncoil.
It has a mind all of its own;
It's like a
wild beast.
It squirms and writhes and stretches out;
When you expect it
least.
You can't control its energy;
You must wait 'til it's ceased.
Handle it with love and care;
For it can give
great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend?
And when did you last
measure?
Still, no matter what its length;
It's something you should
treasure.
Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves;
Erecting when it
shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off;
Just when you wish it
wouldn't.
Did that lady notice it?
You blush and hope she
couldn't.
Some people fret about its size;
They give it
lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough?
It makes blokes quite
distraught.
They peek across in public loos,
And try not to get caught.
Masturbating is a sin;
That's what some folk
believe.
But those are just old wives' tales;
Outdated and naive.
And
if you're feeling tense or stressed,
A quick wank does relieve.
Without this fabulous device,
No shag would be
complete.
Lesbians will try their best;
But must admit defeat.
And
what a handy tool it is,
When one needs to excrete.
The penis is quite marvelous;
It has so many
uses.
For women it is special too;
Excitement it induces.
And babies
can be procreated,
From its sperm-filled juices.
And always it remains with you;
Until you're
old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though,
Or you'll be thrown in
jail.
Just look at it and feel proud;
And thank the lord you're male.
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Directory Enquiries
The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff DE Centre.
Caller : I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar
in Cardiff, please.
Operator : I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the
spelling correct?
Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar
but the B fell off.
* * *
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear
company in Woven.
Operator : Woven? Are you sure?
Caller : Yes. That's
what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.
* * *
Caller : I'd like the RSPCA please.
Operator :
Where are you calling from?
Caller : The living room
* * *
Caller : The water board please.
Operator :
Which department?
Caller : Tap water.
* * *
Operator : How are you spelling that?
Caller :
With letters.
* * *
Caller : I'd like the number for a reverend in
Cardiff, please.
Operator : Do you have his name?
Caller : No, but he has
a dog named Ben.
* * *
Caller : The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators
please.
Operator : You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
* * *
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told the worried operator: "I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.
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George Bush's spoof Diary
http://www.thespoof.com/diary/diary_entries.cfm?cID=12
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Terry the toothless termite goes into a pub and asks a man at the bar, "Is the bar tender here?"
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Here are some things I've learned from Godzilla, Gamera, Star Wars, etc.
-Any animal which isn't a human will grow 50 times its size when exposed to some sort of radiation.
-If some exotic pet escapes from its cage, it will likewise grow to immense proportions.
-No matter what city you're in, the streets are always wide enough so that giant monsters could walk on it.
-Many monsters, even machines, are somehow depicted in ancient myths.
-It takes only a few seconds to pick a name for an unknown giant monster.
-If a monster is evil, it has enough energy to spout an infinite number of energy beams from its mouth. If it's a good guy, it can only shoot at most 2 energy beams before it nearly collapses of exhaustion.
-A monster's energy beam can effortlessly destroy a huge, heavily armored robot, but takes 5 seconds to shoot through buildings.
-No matter where you are, there's always a clearing big enough for almost a dozen monster to rumble in.
-Giant flowers are always a problem. They'll either blow up in a mile wide explosion, or they'll mutate into vine-whipping, acid-spitting atrocities.
-It takes all the electricity in a city to power a handful of tanks.
-The power of a missle is inversly proportional to how much you talk about its "capabilities".
-Aliens wear pimped out jackets and know martial arts.
-If there's an object you need to destroy quickly, it will always have a near-inpenetrable energy sheild.
-When you see an ordinary building and its name pops up in the subtitles, the building will be destroyed in about 15 minutes.
-When fighting monsters, the infantry soldiers always carry machine guns.
-If you have a strange looking lightsaber, you are one of the most powerful Jedi in the galaxy.
-Tiny spaceships never get destroyed. Huge kilometer-wide starships will be destroyed in a matter of minutes.
-A pistol is enough to kill a horde of man-sized creatures.
-Anything with wings or an extra body cavity can fly.
-People will always leave their homes with the lights on.
-Monsters can stand knee-high in the middle of the sea.
-In order to swim, monsters only need to bob their bodies up and down.
-A big drill can pierce right through armor. Nuclear beams can't.
-Red energy beams are hotter and more powerful than blue or white beams.
-Any monster which has more than one energy beam will be nearly impossible to kill.
-A shell can withstand energy beams but not missles.
-No matter what, the hot female character will always hang out with the ugly geek.
-Global warming doesn't melt ice caps or change the weather. It instead causes giant eggs to hatch or animals to go crazy.
-Any attack that has a whirly sound effect will hurt like crap.
-Flimsy towers can easily support giant insects or birds.
-Energy beams can be shot from the mouth, eyes, hands, nose, chest, knees, and wings.
-If someone constructs a weapon but accidentally shoots it at the "good guy" monster, it will prove lethal.
-If you have wings or more than one head, it takes over 3 monsters to beat you, and over 11 monsters to actually kill you.
-All military facilities have a screen which shows a perfect picture of the attacking monsters.
-Repairing a heavily damaged,
40 story robot takes a week.
Today's jewels!
Genuine shell - sterling silver bracelet
7.5in
Great offers on every newsletter - don't miss out!
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http://stores.ebay.co.uk/bee-bop-kids-clothes
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Jayne's Useless Gif
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GREEK NEWS
The sun doesn't always shine on Paradise!
The bad weather sweeping the biggest part of Greece in the last hours has caused serious damages in houses, shops, cultivations and the road network. Rodopi has been met with the gravest problems when people were nearly killed and two villages were evacuated. The fire-stricken prefectures of the Peloponnese were also met with serious problems. Up to 12 villages in Arcadia have been cut off, while the Tripoli-Kalamata national highway remained closed for at least an hour due to landslides
In Arcadia and especially in the fire-stricken
municipality of Falesia, 12 villages have been cut off, facing in parallel
serious problems due to the rainfall.
Houses and streets have already
been flooded, while bridges have fallen after Alfios River flooded in Karvnarei
and Panagia in the municipality of Gortina.
Damages have also been recorded in fire-hit Pirgos, where the
city’s water pipe was nearly destroyed. Meanwhile, the Platanos-Pelopios street
was destroyed, while landslides took place in the Municipalities of
Skilounda-Zacharo and Andritsaina-Alifira.
The situation is especially serious in the
prefecture of Rodopi with the gravest problems recorded in the settlements of
Nea Kallisti and Salpi and at Meleti and Ifaistos villages, which had been
evacuated.
The army transferred 350 people to a safe location, while
houses flooded in Komotini, while 140 sheep and goats drowned in Mikro
Kranovounio
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Sex Toy Warehouse
http://www.sextoysex.com/sex/start/warning.html?a=gadz
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Today's pictures and cartoons!
Have a great day!
Gadzooks!
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