12th Aug 2008

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JAYNE MEE

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Aug 12, 2008, 1:37:25 AM8/12/08

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Today's Jokes

My mother had her bag stolen this morning, now there is piss everywhere.

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A older couple are hiking through the woods. After a few minutes they immerge in a clearing. In the center of the opening there is a beautiful rose bush.

The woman says, " I planted this bush a few years ago. Isnt it wonderful?"

The man takes his cane and proceeds to jab the plant with it.

"What are you doing?" asks the woman.

The man replys,"Im poking your bush with my wood."

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If size doesn’t matter,how come my girlfriend’s vibrator isn’t three inches and crooked?

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;

t-shirts

http://www.prankplace.com/new.htm?kbid=3067

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Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine that you can change a man unless he is in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they put a man on the moon - why can't they put them all there?

Tell him you are not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your mans mind wander - it is too little to be let out alone.

Go for younger men - you might as well, they never mature anyway.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the Do It Yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that they are too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

A mans idea of serious commitment is usually 'oh alright, I'll stay the night.'

Sadly, all men are created equal.

Remember that a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh

At his.

The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of

'former boyfriend.'

There are lots of words to describe men - strong, caring, loving -they'd be wrong but you can still

use them

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Humpty Dumpty sat on a bed
Little bo peep was giving him head
As soon as he came she started to weep
She could tell by the taste he’d been fucking her sheep

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When yer gotta go ..... yer gotta go!

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On  his 70th birthday, the man got a gift certificate from  his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who
was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded,  he drove to the reservation, handed  his ticket to the shaman, and wondered what  he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to  him, and with a grip on  his shoulder, warned,
'This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a
teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will be longer and harder than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.'

He was encouraged. As he walked away,  he turned and asked, 'How do I stop the medicine from working?'

'Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. 'But  beware, when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon. '

He was eager to see if it worked.  He went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited Cara to join  him in the bedroom.
When she came in,  he took off  his clothes and said, '1-2-3!' Immediately,  he was the manliest of men.

His wife was  very excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'

And  THAT, boys and girls, is why we should NEVER end our sentences with a preposition.

Thanks Ken

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Children's clothes - sent Worldwide!

One pissed off tree!

Maybe the squirrel lived in that tree -

Listen to the song on youtube and sing along!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OL60TcpoF4Q

This was never the way I planned
Not my reality
Walkin’ in the park, lunch in my hand
He looked up and smiled at me
It's not what, I'm used to
Just wanna try you on
I'm curious for you
It’s called Bestiality

I kissed a squirrel and I liked it
The taste of his hairy black lips
I kissed a squirrel just to try it
I hope PETA don’t start no riot
It felt so wrong, It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
French-kissed a squirrel and I liked it
I liked it

Don't even know what you’re about
You’re another species
You shoved your nuts right in my mouth
And, they tasted like feces
I shuddered ‘neath those tender paws
I let you have your way
Those anti-sex with animal laws
Hard to obey

I kissed a squirrel and I liked it
You’re intrigued, don’t even deny it
I kissed a squirrel just to try it
There goes my vegan diet
It wasn’t straight, it wasn’t gay
Don't mean I'm in love today
Dont knock it girl, ‘til you’ve tried it
Cuz I liked it

Those squirrels are so adorable
Big brown eyes, and mouths so kissable
Furry bodies so explorable
Too good to - ignore it
I lost control and just went for it

I fucked a squirrel and I liked it
Except the part when he bit my left tit
I hope that squirrel don’t have rabies
Cuz now I’m pregnant with 6 of his babies
He had a tiny dong, Thank God I’m tight
I got some bushy tail tonight
I kissed a squirrel and I liked it
I liked it

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Links

Pranking the wife with fireworks (Videos)
http://www.funlol.com/11305/Pranking_the_wife_with_fireworks.html
<a href="http://www.funlol.com/11305/Pranking_the_wife_with_fireworks.html">Click here!</a>

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A word from Jayne:

I have been scaring myself shitless on a daily basis by watching the supernatural on youtube - I used to be obsessed with ghosts etc when I was younger but have since had no time for ghosts, demons and poltergeists. At the moment the shop is slow (end of season) so I am busying myself with learning all about these spirits.

To suffer from hauntings

It seems you must be a Christian - prefably Catholic

You must be white - seems the spirits like to haunt white folk - no other nationalities of various colours on these programmes!

Always good to have a teenager in the house - seems spirits find them fun (a lot more than their parents do)

Your house must be in the middle of nowhere

and must have an incredibly long corridor.

Always - and I mean always go and investigate noises etc without putting on lights!

Don't believe me then watch (watch in order)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AczX_Upm1w

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kz9iMca-1uw&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouKCH_5guJY&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNO0OQNJza0&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRkzuMwCa5M&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCw6H_qtdJo&feature=related

BOO!

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Today's pictures and cartoons!

Have a great day!
Gadzooks!

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and finally

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

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