March 5th 2008
Jayne Mee
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Today's Jokes
Why I was fired from my 'personnel manager' job ...... 1 glass of alcohol for each employee ....
Man goes to the zoo
But when he arrives there's only a
dog
It was a Shitzu
Politcal humor click the pic!
A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a
Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are
heading
to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says
"No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up
getting my head kicked
in."
"So", Smartie says. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case,
I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and
says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they
go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets (cough
sweets) walk in.
As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the
table.
The Lockets take one look at jelly Baby and start kicking him,
breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary
chairs, and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and
walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table
and
wipes up his Jelly Baby blood.
He turns to Smartie and says, "I
thought you were going to look after me."
"I was!" says Smartie, "But
those Lockets are f*ckin' menthol!'
Voodoo your thing? George Bush not?
Click the pic!
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Thoughts
Life is sexually transmitted.
Good health is merely the
slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Men have two emotions: Hungry
and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Give
a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like a Slinky ...
not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove
them down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying
in hospitals dying of nothing.
All of us could take a lesson from the
weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax
increase cost you £500.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you £0.30?
In
the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and
people take Prozac to make it normal.
We know exactly where one cow with
Foot and Mouth disease is located among the millions of cows in Britain, but we
haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists
are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge
of immigration.
'Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today
might burn your ass tomorrow'
Marilyn said, "It was midwinter, snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing at Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). No, not Marilyn. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance!"
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As for the Tonight Show... she took the prize hands down... or perhaps that should be 'pants down.' And you thought your first date was embarrassing!
This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off".
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband
Click the banner above for more political humor!
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Today's jewels!
Two rings that fit together - like an engagement and wedding ring.
Sterling silver - CZ
sizes 7(N) and 8 (P) available
FREE shipping
jayn...@yahoo.com?subject=rings.23.99.KSR558
Great offers on every newsletter - don't miss out!
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Two old ladies were sitting on
rocking chairs in their retirement home. One asked, "Do you still ever get
horny?"
"Oh, yes!" was the reply.
"What do you do about it?"
asked the first.
"I suck on a lifesaver." was the reply.
The
first lady sat there for a long while pondering the answer. Finally she couldn't
stand it any longer, and asked,
"Who drives you to the beach?"
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British LINKS
the start of a newer episode
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvurasObB44&feature=related
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Sex Toy Warehouse
http://www.sextoysex.com/sex/start/warning.html?a=gadz
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Good old National Health Service in UK - they always know the answers!
A word from Jayne
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One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'.
Here are the lyrics she used:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses, Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favourite things, And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favourite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin', (slightly edited for content) Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short shrunken frames, When we remember our favourite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break, When the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad.
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.)
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Today's pictures and cartoons!
Have a great day!
Gadzooks!
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and finally
A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry about getting seasick.
The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.''
The guy replies, ''Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?''
The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.''