23rd Jan 2008
Jayne Mee
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Today's Jokes
Gadzooks Tips of the Day
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of
your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of
another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers: Please have
consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a pee before the film
starts.
RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time
by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on
expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a
few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank
statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night
drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
remove the stains.
SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that
court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.
MURDERERS: Need to
dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will
never see it again.
BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your
right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they
set one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by
immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
MEN: When listening to
your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn
it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do
it.
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself
by Royal Mail.
BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the
impression that a very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE: Give
yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses
all the time.
ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for
happiness.
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep
your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and
send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house
by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed.
In the morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves: Don't be
discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the
glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting
suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on
paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your
phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police
will think you are listening to the sea.
SHOES last twice as long if
only worn every other day.
SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a
girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at
your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection
without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away
from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to
take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is
coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail
prices.
McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they
blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car
windows.
WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give
a s**t anyway and you could use the saved energy to vaccum the house
afterwards
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Getting a fake rose isn't always the most thoughtful gift, but this fake rose is different from the rest. Tucked inside the petals of this rose is a pair of sexy panties! You'll be sure to get a big thank you from whoever receives this special rose!
http://www.prankplace.com/pantyrose.htm?kbid=3067
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Two businessmen in London - were sitting down for a
break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a
few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick
tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're
selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
curious Scotsman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scottish
accent asked "What are you selling' here?".
One of the men replied
sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes. "
Without skipping a beat, the
Scotsman said, "You are doing well ... Only two
left!"
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Jimmy Carr quotes
Has anyone else seen those incredibly powerful
advertisements in cinemas where each time a famous person clicked their fingers,
an African child dies? I watched those, and couldn't help thinking, "well stop
clicking your fingers!"
Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with
you.
In the pursuit of scientific answers, animals have been tortured for
the past 100 years. They're still not talking. I'm starting to think they don't
know anything.
If we are all God's children, what's so special about
Jesus?
Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one
that's disappointed? Still no superheros.
My dad's dying wish was to have
his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with
more oxygen.
A dog is for life not just for Christmas, so be careful at
the next office Christmas party.
The reason old man use Viagra is not
that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.
I've got a
friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She
doesn't like it.
I've got a friend; she's got a theory. She reckons that
the way to drive a man wild with desire is to nibble on their earlobes for hours
on end. I think its bollocks.
I hate those e-mails where they try to
sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my
girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.
I said to my
girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you
look fat.
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was
during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the
bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary
was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
When you eat a lot of
spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was
listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
My favourite road sign is
'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They
may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be
lucky."
Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for
experimentation.
When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I
thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me,
and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped
going to church.
Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed
to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
A lady with a clipboard
stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes
for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much
done."
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her
back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
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Your frog kissing days are over! Now
all you need to get the Prince of your dreams is this easy little kit. Just
place the cute little frog (who won't mind a smooch or two) in the included cup,
pour some water over him, and in just 72 hours, the Prince you have always
wanted will magically appear! And you can rest assured that our Magic Frog to
Prince Kit will defintely not give you any frog-kissing related
warts.
http://www.prankplace.com/frogtoprince.htm?kid=3067
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Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make
the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or
reported:
1. From a southwest airlines employee: "there may be 50 ways to
leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."
2.
Pilot: "folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please
stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on
the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "thank you
for flying delta business express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as
much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was
coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a northwest flight announced:
"please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a
southwest airlines employee: "welcome aboard southwest flight xxx to yyy. To
operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It
works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one,
you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love
more."
7. "weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and,
remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest
airlines."
8. "your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event
of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9.
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. But
please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "last one off the plane
must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "we are
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."
12. This was overheard
on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and
bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the pa and
announced, "ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your
seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight attendant's comment on a
less-than-perfect landing: "we ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on
this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The
airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "thanks for flying xyz airline."
he said that in light of the bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a
cane. She said, "sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a
real crusher of a landing in phoenix, the flight attendant got on the pa and
said, "ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and
the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."
16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "we'd
like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we
hope you'll think of us here at US
Airways."
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They both like a tight seal.
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked
barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his
feet. He also ate very little,which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ....
A super calloused
fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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something a little different! ............
Today's links
Today's jewels!
C'mon GUYS - Valentine's Day - The key to my heart'
Sterling silver pendant and chain
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Jayne's Useless Gif
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GREEK NEWS
Spanish toy company Imaginarium has advertised in its four stores in Greece a new mobile phone for 4- to 8-year-olds but said yesterday that it will not go on sale just yet.
The company said Greek families were not ready for such a product, due to concerns about the possible health risks, and it would not be made available in Greece. Customers, however, have been informed it is not available as a deal with a mobile phone company has not been made yet.
The phone, with buttons marked “mom” and “dad,” costs between 65 and 100 euros and limits the number of calls youngsters can make.
Experts criticized the product, saying that it is dangerous for children in this age group. “I think it’s crazy,” said associate professor of neurosurgery Panayiotis Selviaridis.
“I consider it 100 percent a mistake even to allow 4-year-olds to play with mobile phones,” he said.
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Sex Toy Warehouse
http://www.sextoysex.com/sex/start/warning.html?a=gadz
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Today's pictures and cartoons!
Have a great day!
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