21st Sept 2007
JAYNE MEE
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Today's Jokes
Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to
launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all
travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents
of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made and a gun was
sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers watched in
shock as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof
shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped
the engineers back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the
cabin.
The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the film of the
disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield
and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
.
.
.
.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
.
.
.
.
Defrost the chicken!!!!!
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Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I
love."
Woody Allen.
"The big difference between sex for money and sex
for free is that sex for money costs less."
Brendan Francis.
"There we
were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we
wouldn't get laid."
Denis Leary.
"My classmates would copulate with
anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
Emo
Philips.
"It's better to be black than gay because when you're black you
don't have to tell your mother."
Charles Pierce.
"A fast word about
oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said
'no'."
Woody Allen.
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke
in and rearranged the furniture."
Robin Williams.
"Life is a sexually
transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent."
RD
Laing.
"Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex
raises some pretty good questions."
Woody Allen.
"An intellectual is
someone who has found something more interesting than sex."
Edgar
Wallace.
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people.
Between five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen.
"When the authorities warn
you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do
not have sex with the authorities."
Matt Groening.
"Don't have sex
man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to
them."
Steve Martin.
"It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten
who ties up who."
Joan Rivers.
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A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case
of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ...
fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous
cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man
filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that
he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires."
The insurance
company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the
cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won!
In delivering his
ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in
which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that
it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to
be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his
loss.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the
insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the
rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the
insurance company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson! With his own
insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence
against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and
sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!
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Why not??????
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Today's link
http://www.sydesjokes.com/members/movies/bad_haircut.wmv
Thanks George - A British ad for Yellow Pages
God I find that guy sexy!!!
but then again I fancy Hugh on House ...... and Jack Nicholson ..... I need a life ......
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I will get noticed this Hallowe'en!
Last will & testament of a farmer
To my wife: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.
To my son: Equity on my car. Now he will have to go to work to meet the payments.
To my banker: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.
To my neighbour: My clown suit. He will need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.
To the farm credit corporation: My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me. I want to do something for them.
To the junk man: All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years.
To my undertaker: A special request. I want six implement dealers and six fertilizer dealers for pallbearers. They are used to carrying me.
To the weatherman: Rain, hail and snow for the funeral please. No sense in having good weather now.
To the grave digger: Don't bother. The hole I'm in now should be big enough.
And lastly
To the monument maker: Set up a jig for the epitaph. "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."
Today's jewels!
Great offers on every newsletter - don't miss out!
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http://stores.ebay.co.uk/bee-bop-kids-clothes
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Jayne's Useless Gif
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LINKS
Adult Jokes
http://www.jokeworm.com/jokes2
Hunks
http://www.jokeworm.com/newhunks/
Babes
http://www.jokeworm.com/newbabes/
Adult Funny Pics
http://www.jokeworm.com/newpics/
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GREEK NEWS
Some 200 dead birds have been found at Lake Koroneia near Thessaloniki, prompting experts to express fears yesterday that there could be a repeat of the disaster three years ago when about 30,000 birds died near the lake due to poisoning.
Staff at the Hellenic Wildlife Hospital (EKPAZ) said they have been collecting the bodies of dead birds, including flamingos and ducks, since last week and fear the numbers will rise.
Samples have been sent to laboratories in Athens and Thessaloniki for tests to determine why the birds are dying but it is feared that toxins similar to the one that appeared at the lake, some 20 kilometers east of Thessaloniki, in 2004 due to low water levels has returned.
At least 29 types of birds died three years ago when the bacteria Clostridium botulinum – an anaerobic, spore-forming rod that produces a potent neurotoxin – increased in the lake due to low water levels.
This form of bacteria is quite common in lakes but it is thought that the large amount of water that was drained from Koroneia for irrigation at the time, combined with heavy pollution, meant it multiplied much faster than usual.
Environmentalists warned this May that the water level of Lake Koroneia had plunged to a record low of 1 meter, causing a buildup of harmful bacteria. It is thought that a different type of toxin-producing bacteria called Arthrospira fusiformis is now causing the deaths of the birds.
Maria Moustaka, a biology professor at Aristotle University of Thessaloniki, told Kathimerini yesterday that the bacteria was first detected in February and has now reached a level of high concentration.
“It is likely that there will be more deaths as the toxins collect in the birds’ tissue,” said Moustaka.
The Thessaloniki Prefecture introduced a set of measures after the disaster in 2004 designed to protect the lake but EKPAZ yesterday asked for the protection of the lake to be boosted.
Many of the projects drawn up three years ago have not been put in place despite Greece having been given access to European Union funds to implement the scheme.
Sex Toy Warehouse
http://www.sextoysex.com/sex/start/warning.html?a=gadz
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Today's pictures and cartoons!
Have a great day!
Gadzooks!
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