4th Jan 2008
Jayne Mee
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Today's Jokes
I had run across the term cyber sex a
few times lately, so I decided to try to figure out what it meant.
I
figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started trying to find
the sex drive on mine.
I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My
Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the
control panel then I got out all the manuals and went through them. I finally
came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one.
So I
decided to go to the computer store and see if I could buy one. I wanted to look
intelligent and scholarly, so I wore my math hat.
Well, the salesperson
in the first store was a rather stern looking woman.
I gave her
the make and model of my computer and asked her if she had any sex
drives in stock.
She kinda scowled at me and asked me if I was trying to
get smart with her, figuring she had been impressed with my math hat, I replied
that I tried to be smart with everyone.
She said, rather rudely I
thought, that she couldn't help me and walked away. HUH, must not have had
any in stock.
In the second store, I gave the salesperson the make and
model of my computer and asked if they had any sex drives in stock.
He
kind of snickered and asked if I meant a hard
drive.
I thought about it for a minute and told him yeah,
maybe that, but I think I should already have one installed.
He started
laughing at me said something about me trying to kill him. "You're killing me!"
Something like that and walked away. Hmmmm, must be out here too.
Must be hard to keep in stock I wasn't trying to kill him I wasn't even
hurting him.
The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I'd
just fallen off the turnip truck.
I assured him I'd never been on a
turnip truck, but I'd fallen off the manure wagon a few times.
He
mumbled something about that explaining it. "She's fallen off the wagon, that
explains it," like that and walked away laughing.
The guy in the fourth
store said something like, "boob" under his breath and walked away.
Wonder why he only noticed one?
Anyway I figured they must not
carry them in stores maybe have to order from a catalog or something.
So
that's where I am now. If any of you have some computer skills and could help me
locate my sex drive, I would appreciate it then all I'd have to do is figure out
what to do with it.
Thanks Wuppert
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Celebrities A-Z, before the
fame
http://www.hardlyfa mous.com
Thanks George
________________________________________________________________________________
http://marriageresourcecenter.org/videogallery/4/med/VideoWidget8.htm
Tale of two brains
How true!
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A man's walking home late at night when
he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty quid," she says. He's never been with a
prostitute before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a
minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them - it's a
policeman.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm
making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says
the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "to tell the truth neither
did I until you shined that light on her face."
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A woman and her boyfriend
are out having a few drinks. While they're
sitting there having a good time
together, she starts talking about this
really great new drink. The more she
talks about it, the more excited
she gets, and starts trying to talk her
boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her
order the drink for him. The
bartender brings the drink and puts the
following items on the bar:
A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of
lime juice.*The
boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman
explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you
drink the shot
of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink
the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please
her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but OK.*He drinks
the shot of
Baileys...smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks...this is
OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
In one second
the sharp lime taste hits. At two seconds the Baileys curdles.
At three
seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits.
At four
seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.
This
triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to
disappoint his
girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally
chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,
"Jesus, what do you
call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job
Revenge."
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Following questions and answers were collated from last year's English GCSEs. (16 year olds)
Science
Q : Name the four seasons.
A : Salt, pepper,
mustard and vinegar.
Q : Explain one of the processes by which water can be
made safe to drink.
A : Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it
removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q : How
is dew formed?
A : The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them
perspire.
Q : What is a planet?
A : A body of earth surrounded by
sky.
Q : What causes the tides in the oceans?
A : The tides are a fight
between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon,
because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget
where the sun joins in this fight.
Sociology
Q : What guarantees may a mortgage company
insist on?
A : If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well
endowed.
Q : In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A :
Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q : What
are steroids?
A : Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology
Q : What happens to your body as you age?
A
: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q : What
happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A : He says goodbye to his boyhood
and looks forward to his adultery.
Q : Name a major disease associated with
cigarettes.
A : Premature death.
Q : What is artificial insemination?
A
: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q : How can you
delay milk turning sour?
A : Keep it in the cow.
Q : How are the main
parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A : The body is consisted into
three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium
contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal
cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q : What is the
Fibula?
A : A small lie.
Q : What does "varicose" mean?
A :
Nearby.
Q : What is the most common form of birth control?
A : Most people
prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q : Give the meaning of the
term "Caesarean Section."
A : The caesarean section is a district in
Rome.
Q : What is a seizure?
A : A Roman emperor.
Q : What is a
terminal illness?
A : When you are sick at the airport
Q : Give an example
of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A : Mushrooms. They always
grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
English
Q : Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to
show you understand its meaning.
A : Hands that judicious can be soft as your
face.
Q : What does the word "benign" mean?
A : Benign is what you will be
after you be eight.
Technology
Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Arab
wears on his head.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A minister, a priest and a rabbi
were enjoying the serenity of a country dipping pond.
Since it was fairly
secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying
their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, a group of very old
ladies from town approached them.
Unable to get to their clothes in
time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered
his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies left and the men got
their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he
covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied "I don't know
about you, but in MY congregation, it's my FACE that they would
recognize."
Thanks
'_________________________________________________________________
A father was watching his young daughter
playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his
little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the
wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and
stared at the ground. He went over to see what work of God had captured her
attention. He noticed she was watching two insects mating.
"Daddy, what
are those two flies doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the fly on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs,"
her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little
girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent
question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The
little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot
and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in
our garden!"
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Women are just like cartons of orange juice.
It's not the shape or size that matters or even how sweet the juice is -
it's getting those fucking flaps open!!
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David Beckham at a
management seminar says:
"I like them cos they make my breath fresh"
There's stunned silence then someone shouts:
"Tactics you thick
twat!!!"
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Today's jewels!
Created Gems Sterling silver ring
16g - FREE shipping
$29.99
sizes 7 8 9
jayn...@yahoo.com?subject=DMR1978.ring.29.99
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http://stores.ebay.co.uk/bee-bop-kids-clothes
http://stores.ebay.co.uk/Asimenia-Sterling-Silver
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What woman can..
-
wash up with her left hand
-
cook the dinner with her right hand
-
sweep the floor with her left leg
-
do the dusting with her right leg
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give you a blow-job and...
-
open a bottle of beer using her arse
A Swiss Army Wife
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Jayne's Useless Gif
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GREEK NEWS
Firefighters and the national weather service are among the most trusted institutions in Greece, according to the results of a study made public yesterday which also showed the enormous distrust Greeks have of the government and political parties.
The survey, prepared for the first time by researchers Public Issue, shows the level of trust shown in different institutions, including state services, professional organizations, different media organizations and independent bodies, such a regulators.
The survey scored the trust level shown in firefighters at 1,500 points – a trend also seen in other countries.
The National Meteorological Service (EMY) came second in the Greek index of confidence in institutions with 1,483 points on rising concerns about environment and global warming, according to researchers.
At the other end of the scale, the government and the political parties scored 22 and 16 points respectively.
Institutions that score below 100 indicate distrust being showed by those questioned.
The figures are seen as a clear sign that the blame for the summer’s devastating fires has been placed on the government’s shoulders and not with firefighters.
One noticeable absence from the top positions was the Orthodox Church, which is normally among the country’s most trusted bodies.
On the corporate front, IT and technology firms topped the trust list followed by private hospitals.
Coming in a distant third position were mobile phone firms, followed by advertising companies.
Food producers were at the bottom of the list, showing that Greeks do not trust what they put on their plates.
The Public Issue survey is the first of its kind in Greece and will be held every year while also being taken in other European countries.
The survey examines people’s attitudes to 46 institutions.
When it comes to being informed, radio was judged to be the most trusted means with a score of 242, while the credibility of newspapers and television reports came in at second and third place with 97 and 48 points respectively.
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Sex Toy Warehouse
http://www.sextoysex.com/sex/start/warning.html?a=gadz
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I've just got back from a muslim
birthday party...................
fuck me.........
pass
the parcel was over quick
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Have a great day!
Gadzooks!
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