10th Jan 2008
Jayne Mee
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Some of the pictures/cartoons may offend the easily offended....what are you doing subscribed to an adult list anyway????
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Today's Jokes
Morris, an 80-year-old millionaire becomes engaged to a beautiful 22-year-old
model, Sherry La Rue. He goes to his doctor for a check-up a couple of weeks
before the wedding date. The doctor looks him over and says,
"Morris, you
seem completely healthy but I must tell you one thing."
"What's that?", asks
Morris.
"At your age, sex can be dangerous, and you need to watch it, take
care as it could be really deadly" the doctor replies.
Morris thinks for a
minute and then says, "What the hell, if she dies, she dies."
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Say it like it is - with an offensive T-shirt!
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old
lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other
replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What to you do about
it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few
moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?
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An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a
sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells:
"Super Pussy!"
The old man says: "I'll have the soup."
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Great Aprons! Click pic!
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Taking Viagra is like an attraction at Disneyland. You have to wait an hour for a three minute ride.
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Two welshmen are out rounding up sheep when all of a sudden a ewe takes off
and goes wild, runs into a fence and gets her head stuck. The two shepherds run
over to the fence to get her out when one says to the other "Hey, boyo, this is
too good an oppertunity to pass up." So he unzips his fly, yanks out his wang
and fucks this ewe for about ten minutes. When he's finally finished he looks
round to his mate and says, "That was bloody marvellouse. D'you fancy a
go?"
"Bloody right i do!" grins his mate, as he drops his trousers and sticks
his head through the fence.
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Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in America. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."
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Types Of Farts
The Anticipated Fart: This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.
The Back Seat Fart: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its foul odor will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. It is often followed by someone saying, "Who farted in the back seat?"
The Barn Owl Fart: A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barn Owl Fart.
The Bullet Fart: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.
The Command Fart: This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.
The Common Fart: This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this far any further.
The Cushioned Fart: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.
The Dud Fart: The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.
The Echo Fart: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo.
The G and L Fart: This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.
The Ghost Fart: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.
The Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, oh my," or "Well, well." There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is.
The Jerk Fart: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.
The John Fart: The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the sound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.
The Lead Fart: The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a fart. What was that, you might think? And never guess.
The Malted Milk Ball Fart: Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare.
The Oh My God Fart: This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh sh*t, which would be understandable.
The Omen Fart: This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.
The Organic Fart: Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and healthy his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.
The Quiver Fart: A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.
The Rambling Phaduka Fart: You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds.
The Relief Fart: Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, "Wow, what a relief." Very common.
The Reluctant Fart: This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.
The Rusty Gate Fart: The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.
The S.B.D. Fart: S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one.
The Sandpaper Fart: This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.
The Skillsaw Fart: A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.
The Sonic Boom Fart: The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.
The Splatter Fart: Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.
The Stutter Fart: If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out fart that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable effort.
The Taco Bell Fart: The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too. Even on a windy day.
The Teflon Fart: Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know.
The Thank God I'm Alone Fart: Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say, "Thank God I'm alone." Then you get out of there fast!
The Tickle Fart: A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you!
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Why did the condom fly across the room?? It got pissed off!!!
Two condoms were walking past a Gay bar. One looks at the other and says... "You wanna go in and get shit faced?"
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Today's jewels!
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How do you make a Kleenex dance? But a little boogie in it
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http://stores.ebay.co.uk/bee-bop-kids-clothes
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Jayne's Useless Gif
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LINKS
COMEDY RETIREMENT EULOGY for BILL
GATES
What's really funny is to see how some
VERY famous people
just can't act.
http://tinyurl.com/35naec
Thanks George
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GREEK NEWS
By P. Mandravelis
The head of the Athens Geodynamic Institute, Giorgos Stavrakakis, believes that the “God looking over Greece saved the country” by putting the epicenter of Sunday’s earthquake at a depth of 70 kilometers. The question, though, is what is the role of Greeks in this country? Because anyone wanting to know the details of the quake’s magnitude and depth would have been better off asking God or seismological centers abroad, as Greek seismologists took 40 minutes to provide this information. They must have been deep in prayer.
So, the question is not what God is doing, but what we will do when and if Greece’s God does not save the day. Judging by the Athens Geodynamic Institute’s delay in announcing God’s mysterious ways, the answer, obviously, is: Not much. When foreign services are able to provide answers to the size and depth of an earthquake well before local services, we can only imagine the mess that other sectors of the earthquake protection service are in.
This is no laughing matter and should not be taken lightly simply because this time there were no human or material casualties. What we should be asking is how well prepared we are for the worst-case scenario. If we think back to the summer fires, they began without victims and property damage, only to end up claiming nearly 70 lives and burning hundreds of homes. It is all well and good to invoke God when everything turns out all right, but it is even better to be prepared for the worst.
According to new bulletins, Stavrakakis responded to criticism of the delay by saying that the state was informed of the quake’s magnitude within 15 minutes of it having struck. “The delay came in turning that information over to the media – something which,” he added, “is really not so terrible.”
The Athens Geodynamic Institute’s director went on to add that the delay occurred because the service had to make exact measurements of the earthquake before making anything public. “It took a while to measure the exact depth of the epicenter,” he said. “If we had not taken correct measurements, our assessments would have been off.”
Of course, nothing “is really terrible” in Greece. Even a 40-minute delay is enough to create panic. But here is another worrying aspect of this story: If the state was informed in 15 minutes, but it took 40 to get exact measurements, then we can only surmise that the state was given the wrong readings. This means that if matters had been worse, the first crucial minutes of decision-making would have been based on the wrong assessments.
Indeed, Greece’s God did save us, and not just from the earthquake, but also from the state mechanism, a part of which is the Athens Geodynamic Institute.
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"I never married because there was no need. I
have three pets at
home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a
dog
which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon
and a
cat that comes home late at night."
_____________________________________________________
Sex
Toy Warehouse
http://www.sextoysex.com/sex/start/warning.html?a=gadz
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A word from Jayne
I hope 2008 has gotten off on good footing for you all!
Thank you to everyone who sent me Christmas cards either via post or email - I really appreciated them!!! I was so busy over the Christmas period (thankfully) in the shop. Things have gone down hill drastically - so I have time to send Gadzooks.
You'll notice that I have added some ad links for Prank Place - the aprons are really funny - take a look - don't charge for browsing!
The usual resolutions included 'get thin' - stop drinking so much wine - both were broken in the first few hours! with a bottle of good white wine and a club sandwich! So looks like I'm destined to a fat body and a shrivelled liver. At least I'm having fun. Life must be so boring if you have no naughty habits - you're not necessary to live a longer life nor an illness free one just because you practice 'clean living soooo why not have fun while we're here as long as no one suffers around us and it doesn't become an addiction. So New Year's resolution is 'Have fun!'
I commited a crime yesterday (after another club sandwich ... what can I say ... I like them) I burped - it wasn't lady like unfortunately, but I didn't do it on purpose!!! If you'd have seen hubby's reaction it was like I'd commited the worst crime in history - this is a person who can burp and fart his way through a national Anthem!
I saw this old pic and thought - we've reached exactly 10 yrs!!!!
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The Top 12 Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet
Porn
· During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your
G-spot.
· His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a
tissue dispenser.
· When she wants you to take off your pants, she says,
"Scroll down."
· C:\Downloads\Porn\2002\July\03\10PM-11PM\
· Tells
everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."
· He's suing Playboy.com for
repetitive stress injuries.
· Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.
·
When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on
her."
· You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera
burned into his corneas.
· As you undress, he takes out his credit card
and tells you his birthday.
· During sex, he shouts, "Refresh!
Refresh!"
· His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a
sheet covering you. He pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.
· During
sex, she shouts, "More bandwidth
Thanks J
Today's pictures and cartoons!
Have a great day!
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