15th Nov 2007
Jayne Mee
Subscribe: gadzooks-...@googlegroups.com
Unsubscribe: gadzooks-u...@googlegroups.com
Need to contact me? either reply to this email (please remove the newsletter contents) or
gadzook...@hotmail.com
Some of the pictures/cartoons may offend the easily offended....what are you doing subscribed to an adult list anyway????
Please show your appreciation by buying something advertised on the newsletter. Show your thanks and get great items at even greater prices!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Sterling silver
genuine rubies and emeralds!
$56.00 + free shipping (UK £28)
She'll never know how much it costs as you are paying the wholesale price!
Just click the link and I'll send you a money request - pay via Paypal or credit card (secure transaction completed through Paypal - I (nor anyone else) do not have access to your credit card details)
Takes approx 5 days to arrive from the manufacturers in Thailand
A lower value (GIFT) is declared on the envelope to avoid paying tax
Today's Jokes
To help you to forget your everyday problems and read how others put their thoughts into words......these are genuine clips from council complaint letters.
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, very badly, when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
These really make me laugh ........
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.''
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it....
"Exit signs - they're on the way out aren't they?." "
This bloke said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are."
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
"I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?...crematoriums"
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"
"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin?Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...
So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow. I said "How about Another 48 hours?" , he said "Tomorrow!"
Czech Olympic Committee
Czech Olympic Committee annihilates English languageWe don't know quite what is going on down at the Czech Olympic Committee, which recently announced its intention to pitch for the 2016 Olympics, but we reckon it's employed one of the Lads from Lagos to write the English version of its promotional website.
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/09/24/olympic_bid/
http://www.broenink-art.nl/maukie2.swf
when boredom sets in .....
http://www.lebonze.com/stuff/move.htm
Old Joke in animation form
http://www.jibjab.com/view/211375
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
925 Sterling silver Bracelet
Stones: Created CZ Blue Sapphire 7.5in 33gr
ONLY
$36.99 (UK £18)
Please contact me for other currencies
Free shipping Worldwide
Takes approx 5 - 10 days to arrive from the manufacturers in Thailand
A lower value (GIFT) is declared on the envelope to avoid paying tax
jaynemee@yahoo.com?subject=bracelet.36.99.esb2255
Great offers on every newsletter - don't miss out!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex
addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic
Football Club and has been known to start fights on Patrick Street at three
o'clock in the morning.
-------------------------------
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by
longtime fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still
exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced
bitches.
------------------------
Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets
slit-eyed and shitty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail
purposes, maybe more.
-------- ------------------
Bad tempered,
foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon,
seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely
chest.
--------------------------
Limerick man, 27, medium build,
brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and
11:30 PM.
--------------------------
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed super model, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
The director of Athens's Ippocrateio hospital's heart surgery unit is to face a prosecutor after a report by health inspectors claimed that he had been operating for years with forged professional qualifications and despite a high rate of patient mortality.
The alleged fraudster received his post after submitting two fake certificates of surgical competence, one bearing the forged signature of world-famous Egypt-born surgeon Magdi Yacoub, the report said.
Contacted by Greek reporters yesterday, Yacoub confirmed that he had not signed the document. The suspect's lawyer, Yiannis Katsieris, said someone in the surgeon's office in the UK had signed the diploma.
According to the report, commissioned by the Health Ministry six months ago, 25 percent of patients operated upon by the suspect in the year 2000 died, as did 24 percent of his patients in 2001 and 17 percent in 2002.
According to reports on private television, the suspect has been operating for more than 20 years without the necessary diplomas. It is unclear how many of these years he had been in charge of the heart surgery unit at the Ippocrateio.
Relatives of some of the patients who died after undergoing surgery under the suspect's supervision had pressed charges in the past but the alleged fraudster reportedly was acquitted each time.
The problem of unqualified doctors operating in Greek hospitals is not widespread but is fueled by an illegal trade in fake diplomas, representatives of doctors' associations told TV channels. The lack of any systematic inspection of certificates by local and central government makes it hard to trace offenders, they added.
The Health Ministry's inspector general, Michalis Sambatakakis, said that the case of the suspect doctor would only be clarified after further investigation, noting that he is known as a «good scientist.»
The doctor was suspended from his post at the Ippocrateio last Friday when his superiors were informed about the report.
Sex Toy Warehouse
http://www.sextoysex.com/sex/start/warning.html?a=gadz
*************************************************************************************
Gadzooks!
It's easy - send a blank email to: gadzooks-u...@googlegroups.com