30th Nov 2007
Jayne Mee
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Today's Jokes
This chain letter was developed by
virile men in order to make their sex life even more fantastic.
As
opposed to normal chain letters, this one costs nothing, and you can only win.
Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your best friends who are just as virile as
you.
Then anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton
(don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the
top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list,and you will
receive 823,542 women through the post. Statistically, among those women, will
be at least:
· 0.5 Miss Worlds
· 2.5 models
· 463 wild nymphos
·
3,234 good-looking nymphos
· 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms
· 40,198
bi-sexual women
In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier,
less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of
all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back
to you.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER
One bloke for example who
sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird
back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old
migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day,
the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old
girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the
chain letter.)
While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th
place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering
from exhaustion.
Outside his ward are 452 more packages.
YOU MUST
BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally
satisfying sexlife.
No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations
about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can screw her. No
obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage
or engagement.
Do not hesitate: send this letter today to 9 of your best
friends.
PS Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum
cleaner.
PPS This letter can also be copied to women you know so that
they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon
undertake.
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Don't know what to buy this Christmas .... why not check out www.prankplace.com?kbid=3067
Female Guiness Book Of Records
Car Parking: The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs.Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993.
She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lampposts.
Incorrect Driving: The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987.
Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Shop Dithering: The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale.
After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it.
Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.
Jumble Sale Massacre: The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991.
When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local boy scouts.
Talking about Nothing: Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for tea, cakes and toilet visits.
Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever.
The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs.Vera Etherington(GB) and her neighbour Mrs.Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unenlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.
Gossiping: On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher.
After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs.Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coach load of American tourists which she flagged down, and the butchers wife.
When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
Group Toilet Visit: The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton.
At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.
Film Confusion: The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'.
She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".
Single Breath Sentence: An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath.
Mrs.Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour.She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups.
At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous jesticulations and indignant spasms.
And its all true!!!!!!
God created Adam and informed him that he had given him a brain and a penis. The brain was a good gift as it allowed him to do many things. The penis was also a good thing as it allowed the race to continue. The problem was that He (God) had only given Adam enough of a blood supply so that he could only use one of them at a time.
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How many legs does a chicken have?
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Two.
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Right.And how many wings does a chicken have?
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Two.
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Right again.Well how many beaks does a chicken have?
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One.
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You got it.How many bones does a cat have?
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. .eeeerrr . . !
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Typical man. Knows everything about cock and nothing about pussy.@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way home they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole," she said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought. Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked into a hotel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks, then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs. Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was quite pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his king size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he needed a Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper. Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett who apparently had Allsorts!
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A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320. Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. The national grid comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."
"Fuck me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well."
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|
A recent scientific study has found that women will find different males attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. When a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. And just before she is menstruating she will prefer a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eyes and a cricket stump shoved up his bum. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Now this made me laugh .... I really need a life! What do you call the Indian karaoke champion? Gerupta Singh. |
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Today's links
LIFE FROM THE START
http://www.wtv- zone.com/ Mary/LIFEFROMTHE
START.HTML
The Redneck Reindeer
From Carolyn's Place ViaJimmy
http://carolynsplac e.com/fun/ The_Redneck_ Reindeer.
html
John w/ I Saw Mommy
Kissing Santa Claus
http://heavens- gates.com/ mommykissingsant
a.html
Thanks George
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Today's jewels!
Great offers on every newsletter - don't miss out!
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http://stores.ebay.co.uk/bee-bop-kids-clothes
http://stores.ebay.co.uk/Asimenia-Sterling-Silver
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Jayne's Useless Gif
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GREEK NEWS
Police yesterday claimed to have broken a major international sex-trafficking network after arresting 30 people in Athens and Thessaloniki following a year of surveillance.
In a sweep of raids on homes and businesses, and with the assistance of Interpol and Europol, Greek officers arrested nine suspected gang members – whose nationalities were not divulged – and 21 “associates” from strip clubs, bars and brothels.
Police are seeking another 23 suspected gang members – 15 Greeks, four Russians, three Germans and a Turkish national, all living outside Greece. One of these suspects – a 47-year-old ethnic Greek from Russia – is believed to be the ringleader. Further arrests are expected in the next few days.
The gang – described by Greek police as “one of the biggest criminal organizations active in the sexual exploitation of immigrant women in our country” – is believed to have been operating for at least two years, laundering its profits by running cafes, nightclubs and strip bars and buying properties in Athens and Thessaloniki.
The women used by the ring were mostly recruited through bogus job agencies operated by gang members in Eastern Europe and Russia, according to police. The women would be given fake passports and sent to various European countries including Greece, Germany, Britain and the Netherlands, officers said.
According to police, most of the women relocated under the pretext of a job that never materialized. On arrival, they were kept in apartments and many forced to have sex with between 40 and 100 clients per day, officers said. Gang members are said to have blackmailed the women into meeting their demands by threatening to harm their relatives.
Only three of the foreign women detained following the raids – those who reported the gang’s activities to police – were described as “trafficking victims.” It appears that new patterns of coercion – where women are not beaten – make it more difficult for a sex-trafficking victim to be identified as such.
Police also revealed they had arrested 73 people in July in connection with another sex-trafficking ring.
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Sex Toy Warehouse
http://www.sextoysex.com/sex/start/warning.html?a=gadz
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Gadzooks!
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