[Funny Pieces] RANDOM THOUGHTS

[John van der Westhuizen]

I promised to look after a friends cat for the week. My place has a glass atrium that goes through two levels, I have put the cat in there with enough food and water to last the week. I am looking forward to the end of the week. It is just sitting there glaring at me, it doesn't do anything else. I can tell it would like to kill me. If I knew I could get a perfect replacement cat, I would kill this one now and replace it Friday afternoon. As we sit here glaring at each other I have already worked out several ways to kill it.

The simplest would be to drop heavy items on it from the upstairs bedroom though I have enough basic engineering knowledge to assume that I could built some form of 'spear like' projectile device from parts in the downstairs shed. If the atrium was waterproof, the most entertaining would be to flood it with water. It wouldn't have to be that deep, just deeper than the cat.

I don't know how long cats can swim but I doubt it would be for a whole week. If it kept the swimming up for too long I could always try dropping things on it as well. I have read that drowning is one of the most peaceful ways to die so really it would be a win win situation for me and the cat I think.

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A street I drive past every day is called 'Anhus Street' and is very distracting. Every few weeks, someone (I am assuming a kid) sraypaints out the 'h' making it read anus and then a few days later, someone (I am assuming an elderly street resident) paints the 'h' back in. If I was boss of the world I would change that street name legally to anus street to annoy both of them.

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A few weeks ago, some guy in a shitty bmw parked in my 'reserved and paid for' parking spot in a small lot. I printed out an A4 (helvetica demi bold 12pt) note stating that this was a paid for parking spot and not to park there again. A couple of days later he parked there again. I printed out an A3 (helvetica black 42pt) sign stating 'Reserved Parking, Do not park here' sign and used spray adhesive (3M®) to mount it on the wall in front of my spot. When I went to park in my spot the next day he had written in texta, after "Reserved Parking', the words 'For Wankers'. About three days later I saw his car parked in the street so I printed out a poster in A2 (helvetica black, 92pt, reversed) with the word 'Fuckhead' and applied it with spray adhesive to his windscreen, ensuring (as per instructions) I sprayed both materials to be bonded. The disadvantage of course is that I am too scared to park in my spot but he is also too scared to park there so I will class this as a draw for the moment and find a new spot.

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I hate it when people tell me "I had a weird dream last night...". I dont care, it didn't really happen and it is going to be boring. Just because you dreamt it doesn't make it interesting to anyone. I knew someone who told me a dream and it went on for about twenty minutes. That is nineteen minutes and sixty seconds longer than I have to care about something that didn't really happen. Another time she was telling me about a dream her auntie had, so not only was I listening to something that didn't really happen, I was listening to something that didn't really happen to someone I didn't even know. I glass over and my mind wanders after the words "I had a weird dream last night..." so it is just a waste of everyones time. The statement she made, "If you cared about me you would be interested in my dreams", I will put down to the fact that she was an idiot and possibly slightly crazy because she owned more than two cats.

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When I was in year ten, I would leave school to catch the bus into the city. I would hide the contents of my schoolbag and go to a christian book store called the 'Open Book', covering two levels and a second hand section in the basement. I would go in with my empty bag, select expensive theological volumes, and fill my bag with several hundred dollars worth. I would then use the toilets to remove any price tags before going downstairs to the basement where they would buy my books for half the retail price. I did this twice a week. I figured that if they caught me I would cry and ask for their forgiveness and as christians they would have let me go but they never caught on. I remember one person buying the entire Amy Grant tape collection when it had been on the shelves not ten minutes before. I was saving for a motorbike and bought a Suzuki Katana. The 'Open Book' went broke a year later so it worked out well for everyone.

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Around the time I was twelve, my sister had really hot friends staying over. I would dress in ninja gear and wriggle 'saving private ryan beach commando style' into her bedroom and listen to their conversations. Some were educational, most were inane. A few months ago, I was standing in a cd store and a girl came up to me and said "Are you David?" to which I replied "It depends" (and immediately regretted as I knew that if she asked me 'depends on what', I had nothing). The fear must have shown because she asked "Depends on what?" and I replied like a retard "On wether it is on or off the record, I have been misquoted by you people before." and she looked at me as if I was a retard before telling me that she had been a friend of my sisters and remembered me and then actually asked "Are you still annoying?" so I asked her if she still "squeezed her nipples while thinking about kissing Michael Wilson". After a pretty long pause I asked her out but she said no.

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If a rocket was projected as a wave pattern, setting up harmonics such that they reconstitute the original relationship at another point of space/time, any variations could be sorted by a 'key' included to ensure the reconstruction was identical. If so a flight to our nearest star, Alpha Centauri, being only four and half light years away would effectively only take 4.5 years. Harmonic travel is impossible and I am making it up as I go along but if we did land on new planets, do you think there would be any sexy girl aliens? I don't mind if they’re green but they would need to not eat me or control my mind.

If we could travel as wave patterns with a harmonic reconstitution key, there would be no passage of time for those aboard but to the external observer the trip would still be made at (or near if you prefer) the speed of light, so many years would pass. Therefore, if your partner was a spaceman going to Alpha Centauri, our nearest star, as a wave pattern, they would have at least 9 years of travel (plus additional acceleration/deceleration/exploration/ times of course) which would be ample time for you to slut around a bit, have a couple of semi long term relationships between (and while) letting other guys do you then feign remorse and have everyone forget about it before your spaceman returned home at which time you could immediately have his baby and live off his fame and bank account for the rest of your parasitical life. A win win situation for all.

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Posted By John van der Westhuizen to Funny Pieces on 7/01/2009 09:20:00 PM