Fairly Universal Nonsense (Jokes) for September 24, 2008

[J NA]

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
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"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd
like to welcome you aboard United Airlines flight 602 from
New York to Punta Cana. You are currently flying at a height
of 35,000 feet going South over the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the
aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines
are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will
observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a
little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me, your captain, the co-pilot and one of the
stewardesses. This is a recorded message."
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First thing - every single morning - one of the secretaries in our
office opened the newspaper and read everyone's horoscope aloud.

"Gwen," said our boss finally, "you seem to be a normal, level
headed person. Do you really believe in astrology?"

"Of course not," Gwen answered. "You know how skeptical us
Capricorns are."
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Headlines from the Year 2029

- Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh
largest country in the world, Mexifornia (formerly California).

- White minorities still trying to have English recognized as
Mexifornia's third language.

- Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and
livestock.

- Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

- Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory
of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq , Afghanistan , Syria and
Lebanon ).

- Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10
more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

- Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and
reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

- 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight
loss.

- Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil
rights.

- New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

- IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

- Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
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