Fairly Universal Nonsense for October 25, 2008
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J NA
Oct 25, 2008, 8:24:59 PM10/25/08
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"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL
CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm
not afraid of small children." --Jonathan Katz
--------------------------------------------------
On the "CycleAware" helmet-mounted mirror:
"Remember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind you."
On a large folding cardboard sunshade for car windscreens:
"Do not attempt to operate vehicle with sunshade in place."
On a car lock which loops around both the clutch pedal and the
steering wheel:
"Warning - Remove lock before driving."
On a packet of juggling balls:
"This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not
suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8
years in the USA."
Seen on a camera:
"This camera only works when there is film inside."
On a bottle of flavored milk drink:
"After opening, keep upright."
On a can of windscreen de-icing spray:
"Spray works in sub-zero temperatures."
On a can of insect spray:
"Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: this spray is harmful to
bees."
A different brand of insect spray:
"Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying
insects. Not tested on animals."
On an ocean buoy for determining the position of submarines:
"Protect from seawater."
On a Halloween Batman costume:
"This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly."
----------------------------------------------------
My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My ten-year-old niece answered the phone.
"Hello," she whispered.
"Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked.
"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.
"Did she go to the doctor?" I asked.
"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.
"Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?"
Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."
-----------------------------------------------------
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only
one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted
to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered,
"because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He
asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family,"
he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement
of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When
asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the
interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you
$1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."
--
You are reading Fairly Universal Nonsense: The biggest and best (humble too) joke newsletter on all the Internet (no lie Ive looked around) If you like it then forward it to a friend and tell them to sign up. If you are that friend sign up at: http://fairlyuniversalnonsense.googlepages.com/home
If you have any questions, comments, suggestions, complaints, praises, snide remarks, or anything else you can think of, then I would appreciate it if you would email them to me at jess...@gmail.com. Yes, there is a jessebg1 but you wont get a response. Sometimes it seems that I am sending these jokes to nobody so it would be nice to get some feedback as to how I am doing. Yes, I would even like your complaints and snide remarks.
Feel free to send this Newsletter to your friends, enemy's, or other groups. I don't care. Just keep the title, content, and this little rant on the bottom intact.
CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm
not afraid of small children." --Jonathan Katz
--------------------------------------------------
On the "CycleAware" helmet-mounted mirror:
"Remember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind you."
On a large folding cardboard sunshade for car windscreens:
"Do not attempt to operate vehicle with sunshade in place."
On a car lock which loops around both the clutch pedal and the
steering wheel:
"Warning - Remove lock before driving."
On a packet of juggling balls:
"This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not
suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8
years in the USA."
Seen on a camera:
"This camera only works when there is film inside."
On a bottle of flavored milk drink:
"After opening, keep upright."
On a can of windscreen de-icing spray:
"Spray works in sub-zero temperatures."
On a can of insect spray:
"Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: this spray is harmful to
bees."
A different brand of insect spray:
"Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying
insects. Not tested on animals."
On an ocean buoy for determining the position of submarines:
"Protect from seawater."
On a Halloween Batman costume:
"This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly."
----------------------------------------------------
My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My ten-year-old niece answered the phone.
"Hello," she whispered.
"Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked.
"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.
"Did she go to the doctor?" I asked.
"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.
"Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?"
Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."
-----------------------------------------------------
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only
one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted
to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered,
"because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He
asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family,"
he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement
of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When
asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the
interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you
$1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."
--
You are reading Fairly Universal Nonsense: The biggest and best (humble too) joke newsletter on all the Internet (no lie Ive looked around) If you like it then forward it to a friend and tell them to sign up. If you are that friend sign up at: http://fairlyuniversalnonsense.googlepages.com/home
If you have any questions, comments, suggestions, complaints, praises, snide remarks, or anything else you can think of, then I would appreciate it if you would email them to me at jess...@gmail.com. Yes, there is a jessebg1 but you wont get a response. Sometimes it seems that I am sending these jokes to nobody so it would be nice to get some feedback as to how I am doing. Yes, I would even like your complaints and snide remarks.
Feel free to send this Newsletter to your friends, enemy's, or other groups. I don't care. Just keep the title, content, and this little rant on the bottom intact.
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