Fairly Universal Nonsense for September 11, 2007
4 views
Skip to first unread message
J NA
Sep 11, 2007, 2:01:43 PM9/11/07
to fun-joke...@googlegroups.com, fairly-unive...@yahoogroups.com, f-...@googlegroups.com, Fun-...@googlegroups.com
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
--------------------------------------------------
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a
roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some
victuals?" He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
--------------------------------------------------------
Things You Would Never Know without the Movies:
All police investigations require at least one visit to a
strip club.
All telephone numbers begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover
in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of
the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach
up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on
the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of
French Bread.
It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone
in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while
scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect
hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you
in there and you can travel to any other part of the
building without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have
more ammunition even if you haven't been carrying any
before.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless
you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your
sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer,
it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent
will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster
or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the
tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you
take out a bill: just grab one at random and hand it over.
It will always be the exact fare. Same with restaurants.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature
from anywhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen
at night, you must open the refrigerator door and use that
light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing lingerie.
Computers never display a cursor on screen. Instead, they
always say, "Enter Password Now."
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their
families every morning even though their husband and children
never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective -
or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match is sufficient to light up a room the size of
RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons
at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd
century will have lost this technology.
A person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and
pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning
or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is
necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to
right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with
large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going
to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building
you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended
from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you
bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts: Your enemies will wait patiently to
attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening
manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head,
they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion,
volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to
make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is
their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English
to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in
seconds ... unless it's the door to a burning building with
a child trapped inside.
An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause
no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects
you personally at that precise moment.
--
You are reading Fairly Universal Nonsense: The biggest and best (humble too) joke newsletter on all the Internet (no lie Ive looked around) If you like it then forward it to a friend and tell them to sign up. If you are that friend sign up at: http://fairlyuniversalnonsense.googlepages.com/home
If you have any questions, comments, suggestions, complaints, praises, snide remarks, or anything else you can think of, then I would appreciate it if you would email them to me at jess...@gmail.com. Yes, there is a jessebg1 but you wont get a response. Sometimes it seems that I am sending these jokes to nobody so it would be nice to get some feedback as to how I am doing. Yes, I would even like your complaints and snide remarks.
Feel free to send this Newsletter to your friends, enemy's, or other groups. I don't care. Just keep the title, content, and this little rant on the bottom intact.
peeing section in a swimming pool?
--------------------------------------------------
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a
roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some
victuals?" He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
--------------------------------------------------------
Things You Would Never Know without the Movies:
All police investigations require at least one visit to a
strip club.
All telephone numbers begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover
in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of
the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach
up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on
the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of
French Bread.
It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone
in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while
scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect
hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you
in there and you can travel to any other part of the
building without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have
more ammunition even if you haven't been carrying any
before.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless
you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your
sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer,
it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent
will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster
or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the
tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you
take out a bill: just grab one at random and hand it over.
It will always be the exact fare. Same with restaurants.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature
from anywhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen
at night, you must open the refrigerator door and use that
light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing lingerie.
Computers never display a cursor on screen. Instead, they
always say, "Enter Password Now."
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their
families every morning even though their husband and children
never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective -
or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match is sufficient to light up a room the size of
RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons
at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd
century will have lost this technology.
A person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and
pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning
or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is
necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to
right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with
large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going
to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building
you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended
from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you
bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts: Your enemies will wait patiently to
attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening
manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head,
they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion,
volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to
make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is
their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English
to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in
seconds ... unless it's the door to a burning building with
a child trapped inside.
An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause
no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects
you personally at that precise moment.
--
You are reading Fairly Universal Nonsense: The biggest and best (humble too) joke newsletter on all the Internet (no lie Ive looked around) If you like it then forward it to a friend and tell them to sign up. If you are that friend sign up at: http://fairlyuniversalnonsense.googlepages.com/home
If you have any questions, comments, suggestions, complaints, praises, snide remarks, or anything else you can think of, then I would appreciate it if you would email them to me at jess...@gmail.com. Yes, there is a jessebg1 but you wont get a response. Sometimes it seems that I am sending these jokes to nobody so it would be nice to get some feedback as to how I am doing. Yes, I would even like your complaints and snide remarks.
Feel free to send this Newsletter to your friends, enemy's, or other groups. I don't care. Just keep the title, content, and this little rant on the bottom intact.
Reply all
Reply to author
Forward
0 new messages