Fairly Universal Nonsense for Sept 28, 2008

[J NA]

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
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The rabbi pleaded with his board of directors for more than an hour,
  seeking permission to purchase a new chandelier for the synagogue.

Finally the elderly board president spoke up. "Why are we wasting our time
  talking?" he said. "First, nobody here can even spell chandelier. Second,
  we've got nobody who can play one. And third, what this synagogue
  really needs is more light!"
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This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars - ed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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A man wakes up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident and cries - "DOC, DOC...I can't feel my legs, I can't feel my legs!!!

"Well of course you can't silly!", replies the Doc... "I've cut off both of your arms."

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