ragin here...

[bowerygirl]

thanks for all the posts..if anything i guess me best attribute to
this forum is im a perfect reminder of why NOT to go back. i am
ooozzzing resntment, rage an im fiending like an animal. i no longer
live in me beloved apt cuz i gave it all up to start ovr..not really
thinking of the consequenses of coming back n living at me das..IN FKN
NEW JERSEY!!! UGHHHH middle of noplace!! its SO quiet at nite me head
is louder than all the noises in the state. MFK u hit it on the head
when u described the rawness. they wont let me outta there sight so I
CANT GET TO NYC for a meeting of anykind. trust isnt there.but i knw
in me heart i dont deserve it anyway cuz if left to me own devices at
this time i would surely mess up and i know this. bad thing is i dont
care right now. where i usualy feel some emotioal attachment to how
many of u take ur time to write n care, today i can only say i read n
felt nothn, in fact it annoyed the crap outa me. i know im in a bad
place but what i dont kniow is how to stop the cycle n get whatever i
had back last month or 2. i feel broken feel like a failure n just
want everyone to back off. feel trapped dont have any motivation n im
just at a point where i feel lost n hopeless worse then b4 i think. i
cant seem to appreciate anything right now n i feel like a real c**t
cause i know i should. im so reved up in me own sik head i cant even
sit here but i just hadda get this out. i actually have moments at
nite where i think i made a mistake cuz i am only gonna end up lettn
everyone down, at least b4 the knew n accepted what i was, now
everyone includng me was expecting someone else to get off that plain
n who landed was the same ol mess n since i got here its gotten
worse...im just holding on to a tiny promise someone gave me"it will
pass n get betr. i just dont see it now is all~jenni the bowerygirl
(whos stayn in jersey ,ughhh)

[bill bloomer]

ERRRRRRH Pirate Jenni gee whiz lemme whine out a blue not of me own here....... i am clear that i picked up music as a demand to be heard. does that happen only in Irish clans ? HELL NO , human condition ,baby. respect at home ? i no longer waste energy on blaming WHOEVER for that stuff. My only hope for comfort is ACTION '''ACTION NEVER DIES.'' I WENT TO ANY LENGTH TO STAY SICK , GOT SICK AND TIRED OF BEING BLAH BLAH BLAH ,yaddaah yaddah ad infinitum. There is so much on line support for 'shut ins . In all kindness , sister , we fake it till we make it. It's easy as hustlin' a dime. Right action becomes right thinking . It's normal to be frustrated right now. SSSSSSSooo, just in case I need to remind you , I threatened not to read your rants till you got to a meeting.You can do that virtually. On line.  It's ok , today. I ain't baggin' you , jes wanna share my experience ,strength and hope. But I need to share in my own recovery by giving away what was given freely to me . And that god sized hole full of all the dark hunger of lonely and 'justifiable' resentments only got bigger and biggger ,full of the echo of loneliness when all I told people was my problems. I am selfish and boring when all I give people is my 'shitself' In Thailand we say ''DO GOOD GET GOOD, DO BAD GET BAD. Garbage in/garbage out eh? ACTION BABY Survival, not suffering, depends on solution, focus on solution NOT meditations on problems.  The word 'problem' is so popular that it makes me react to hear it. I don't think you have any problems.. Maybe that scrappy old self just fIghts the unknown CHANGE. Let go , let god , detach .whatever. I GOTTA BUSTA MOVE , life is too good to waste on two dimension laptops. I know , from habit that I will now go out on the street. .My reaction to people will be to look them in the eyes and smile. This is a tune I can play by heart if I relax and get out of my way. And it fools folks into thinking maybe I play real good and they wanna hear what I got to share. WTKB did promised you change , You Play for small change ? Play sweet. BB ps in encore i say, you can do this and so much more , i do it vince and stewart even do it to each other. rock on jenni. --- On Mon, 11/16/09, bowerygirl <mizfit...@gmail.com> wrote:

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[kalou koefoed]

Good stuff Bill (as always).

Bowery, you said you wanted to write? So, get yourself a notebook and write all this shit down and then maybe a bit later you could persuade your guardians to go on a field trip to the library; get yourself some creative writing books and start playing with those words, put all that anger to some use, see what happens eh?

I quote Bill: ACTION BABY!

Good luck sister

Kalou

--
Powered By Outblaze

[John Cox]

I reckon it's pretty fecking simple, you wanna use and not using hurts and you feel you don't have any control.  This is the hard bit, your in the lions den now jenni, it's sucks.

I'm still there my self and all you can do if avoid the areas were drugs are and stick with people who are not using. That will get you by short term, now all the tham krabok stuff and advice you'll get here is more long term.

Not sure if you've heard of a band called The Subways but there's a line of theirs that just runs round my head all the time "what you say...and what you do is who you are" I don't want to be a 2 dimentional junkie who leaves a crowd of angry hurt family and friends behind when I die young and alone....

Sorry to be harsh but that's genuinly what I do

Sent from my iPod

[bill bloomer]

Thank you kindly. Which reminds me , we learn our please and thank yous' through prayer , please in the morning and thank you at night. I heartily agree that perhaps journalling is a good way to release emotions, observe pattterns and later monitor growth. A famous rock journalist once told me the biggest part of writing is 'getting ready to write'! I admit to years of 'costly sad song research' It takes a victim to pack around that 500pound pen, a hero to bleed the bloody thing. Continued best to all. Metta BB --- On Mon, 11/16/09, kalou koefoed <ka...@graffiti.net> wrote:

[John Cox]

I just read my post back and it's sounds a bit nasty which isn't what I intended, sorry jenni. I guess your words touch a cord with me and put me in mind of how I survive which is often by being defensive hard on myself. 

I hope things get easier for you soon, they generally do if you hang in there

Coxy 

Sent from my iPod

On 17/11/2009, at 20:27, John Cox <johnc...@ymail.com> wrote:

I reckon it's pretty fecking simple, you wanna use and not using hurts and you feel you don't have any control.  This is the hard bit, your in the lions den now jenni, it's sucks.

I'm still there my self and all you can do if avoid the areas were drugs are and stick with people who are not using. That will get you by short term, now all the tham krabok stuff and advice you'll get here is more long term.

Not sure if you've heard of a band called The Subways but there's a line of theirs that just runs round my head all the time "what you say...and what you do is who you are" I don't want to be a 2 dimentional junkie who leaves a crowd of angry hurt family and friends behind when I die young and alone....

Sorry to be harsh but that's genuinly what I do

Sent from my iPod

On 17/11/2009, at 17:41, "kalou koefoed" <ka...@graffiti.net> wrote:

[bill bloomer]

john i like what you share. describing our human condition through a goddamn box....internet.. not so natural , no? but whether a bigger world of shut ins or a bigger world for shut ins ,we use what we got.  i so often regret feeling farther misinterpretted too.. change inevitable suffering avoidable may all beings be happy and well. bb PS SORRY JIMMY F. DUBLIN....I THOUGHT YOU WERE JIMMY F.HEBRIDES BEAUTY OF THE WEB IS BEING ABLE TO TALK WITH BOTH FEET....... IN OUR MOUTHES !!! --- On Tue, 11/17/09, John Cox <johnc...@ymail.com> wrote:

[John Cox]

Cheers tommy,

I have to say I'm a fan of the spoken word, you guys may have picked up on my child like written skills...in real life I'm actually quite the racontter and not the dumb arse English boy I must sound like sometimes.

One day we should all meet up and have a good old natter, till then were stuck with email.

The more I learn the more I see life is about trying to control what's in us and trying not to let fear of the rest of the crap we can ruin us. I haven't cracked it yet so I escape into my audiobooks and just try to manage each day as it comes....I'm still working on the long term plan

Coxy

Sent from my iPod

[metalface from kent]

Bowery,you did the right thing in giving your flat up coz if you went
straight back into the 'Old' neighbourhood there's a good chance you
wouldn't last '2 Minutes' and it ain't worth the Risk at this stage of
the game.You've got a fair distance to travel yet before you can
'trust' yourself,let alone expect anyone else to trust you.Thats
fairly Standard-you'll just have to earn it back in both respects.

For many years now (decade or so?),you've been using a Chemical
Buffer-a substance which gives everything a 'magic glow' and a 'sweet-
coating',even at the worst of times (I watched my Mum die-and didn't
'bat an eye-lid'!).Not a just a few times or a dabble here and there-
it dont work like that.No-you had to 'sign your soul over'-thats the
Deal!For that you get an 'Exclusive Contract'-that means you can chuck
just about everything else in your life out of the window.It does have
the unfortunate side-effect of turning everything (EVERTHING!) to
shit,whilst at the same time making that shit very easy for you to
swallow (as long as you keep up the payments).-it even tastes nice!

...Oh so you wanna welsch on the deal,now!??..Oh Well-That Ain't
Easy!!!

..Well "you've done the Crime-Now you're Doing the Time"!!!! (see Phra
Gordon for Copyright).

I remember some time ago now-your reaction to the prospect of the so-
called 'White-Knuckle' de-tox.I think it was 'off the board'-quite
rude you were!!! (for some reason I find that quite funny now)
Thats the bit most people dread-even the 'toughest' most experienced
junkie's (I'm talking hard,jail-bird,career-criminals,scars-the
lot),DREAD the 'Cold,'Screaming' Cluck'-and for good reasons-its
F*ckin' Shit!!
Yeah well you got through that bit alright,didn't you?(..and you dont
wanna be doing that again,eh?!!).Thats a good few months ago,now.

I'm trying to tell you that where you are and what what your feeling
is really quite Normal-given the circumstances.There is no easy route
out.But Trust me when I say you've done the 'Hard Work'.You've just
gotta settle in to a long,slow recovary.
Its not really an Option..

You must attempt to address certain feelings,thoughts reactions within
yourself. Naturally you're in an anguished,confused state,but you must
ask yourself why and then come that realization yourself...Then you
may be able to 'douse the fire'.

Resentment,Hatred,Anger-they are good for nothing-!!always and without
exception.
There is NO justifiable reason to allow them top take root within
yourself.Only 'Bad' ever comes of their courtship.Recognise them when
they arise-
Dont React(Keep Calm)-Identify their root or cause-Understand-
Disregard and Discard
..Its much,much easier to apply the Brakes on a Moving Train when it's
just pulling out of the Station,but try bangin' 'em on when its going
at full flight.A lot Harder.

Dont take it out on your folks-that ain't fair! They dont know what to
do with a recovering Heroin Addict-why should they?! They're just
trying to do their best and they havent got a clue how to deal with
this problem.They're just doing their job-so dont resent the fact
they're 'keeping an eye' on you.They see this as the best opportunity
you've had and they are Right!!-So dont Fukkit-Up,Jenni.Stick with
it!!

Ditch them Escape Plans (..I know!)!!!!!

Very Best Wishes,Bowery.

P.s.But you Cuss me all you like! ;)

[Audrey Delaney]

Wise words from MFK. Have you tried the foxs sweets yet... Jenny I have no
idea of your circumstances. John you always say it well. I have learned
from both of you.

For one moment remember why you wanted out of that other life you led.
Like the rest of us we all detoxed because we knew its better. Any one of
us can give up now. Why don’t we?.Cause its not a happy place. So you can
start all over again if you like doing the same scenario over and over or
you can take this bad time and deposit each day behind you and one bad day
over and another better, there will be plenty ahead.

I think its very hard to change your out look and motivate yourself while
you in this frame of mind but that is all that it is I swear.

I came home last year to a very lonely life with two children and no one
else in the world related to me who cared. (nothing to do with my addiction
that was the result) (I did have friends but they did not understand
addiction) Looking back it was tough and upsetting at the time but it meant
I had to do it myself. Having to do it myself made me stronger. I took
control of who I was and what path I took. I got by financially week to
week. I ended a relationship before I went to TKB and vowed I wouldn’t
start a new one as I believe we look for stimulation in all the wrong
places.

Just over a year later. I am no better of financially. Still have kids to
support, health has given me serious gip. Yet I got out of the box and truly
started rethinking and changing my actions and responses in everything I do.


What I am trying to say is this. MY life, surroundings nothing has changed
but yet I am happier, not angry, looking forward and yes still struggle with
emotional issues but for shorter term than I used to. The more I fight
these feelings and stuff that goes on in my head the lesser the problem next
time. I don’t get so consumed.

It comes from within you that is what I have learned. Nothing else in my
life has changed at all. I have though, I changed the way I think. I took
control. When you feel you are strong enough, make the right decisions for
yourself. You probably feel controlled by others. That can effect the
healing. But maybe for the short term that is whats needed if you don’t
trust yourself. Take the step and if you cannot get to meetings, can your
family arrange to get you some councellor, addiction support, sponser, in
the community to come visit you. You could read books on positive thinking
or whatever it is that rocks your boat. I found that extremely helpful and
didn’t realise that by changing my outlook everything else changed to. Find
a light in something. Take Action, learn how to respond in a healthy way.
I am not expecting you to be able to, just take the steps to learn how. It
will lift you. Small changes amount to so much.

Just trying to help, Im Irish. born and reared on the Dublin streets. Though
you can be born in the same house and still be different people. All I want
to do is pass on to you what worked for me and believe me there was a hell
of a lot of pain going on. The head never stopped.


You do have to find your own system as others may be irrelevant to you.
But it only will work if you do something. Anything. No one here wants to
go back to the old way. Remember that. If it was so much better we
wouldn’t be here.

I am a strong believer though in doing things for yourself. If you rely on
others you are not being true to yourself. The more you do from your own
strength, instinct etc. The longer lasting the effect and powerful you are.


I so wish you the best and I do feel sorry for the way you are feeling but I
know there are solutions to all of this inside you. Find it, that’s your
job.

Warmest from the heart, Audrey

-----Original Message-----
From: metalface from kent [mailto:boswe...@hotmail.co.uk]
Sent: 17 November 2009 12:12
To: Friends of Thamkrabok Monastery

[Tommy]

2009/11/16 bowerygirl <mizfit...@gmail.com>:

Jenni, there are hundreds of thousands using abusing and desperate
addicts who didn't or couldn't pluck up the courage to STOP.

You did. You didn't give it up, or take a rest. You stopped. You
stopped doing what makes you sick and miserable.

Staying stopped, thats the hard one ehh.

All you're going through is the work of the /beast/
What you learned so far can help you to run and hide from the beast.
No good. Face the bastid and tame him. Take charge. You have the
tools and you've shown you have the strength and the courage it takes.

The beast in your head tells you all these things to confuse you, deny
you, annoy you, drag you back where you were and where the beast was
happy.

What we find out as we passed through this stage is - we are the beast
- the beast is us - its us that need taming.

Never forget to tell yourself how loving and kind you are. You
mightnt feel that good about yoruself right now - but keep telling
yourself every morning, noon and evening that you can be good, that
you can be kind, that you have every bit as much right to it as
anyonme out there. Thing is, if we break the law,a nd get caught,
we're not guilty till we've had a trial before a judge.

Yet we take the greatest of pleasure from condemning ourselves.

Get a grip, get a whip, get an attitude and beat the bejaysus out of that beast.

One other thing young lady, there are probably a 1000 million people
on this planet who'd sell their mother to get to New Jersey. I've
been there, boy do you people eat big ice-creams (yoghurt), I drove
through the (I call it petrified forest) forest with the funny trees,
they look a bit like what the Irish call skeaghs - thats what they
make shillelaghs out of... Anyway, I'd much prefer NJ to the big
smoke. I got the train up and down there quite a few times. My
friends have a house on the beach. House?? its flipping a mansion,
its huge.

So take care. You have 6 months dispensation to whine, cry, moan
groan and complain, as long as you do the right thing right !!!

Best of luck
aTommy

[John Cox]

Can I please have an extention on my six month moaning time please Bill????

Sent from my iPod

Best of luck
aTommy

--

[John Cox]

Sorry, I meant Tom...i just woke up ok haha

[Rubel Barua]

I think better u do not sent the mail me. Ven.rube lbarua

--- On Tue, 11/17/09, John Cox <johnc...@ymail.com> wrote:

From: John Cox <johnc...@ymail.com> Subject: Re: [FOTM:2499] ragin here... To: "friends-of-tham...@googlegroups.com" <friends-of-tham...@googlegroups.com>

[Vince Cullen]

Dear Rubel Barua,

I have removed you from the mailing list as requested.

You may still view messages online as you please.

Be well and kind regards,


Vince
__________________________________
328
If you find a good companion,
of integrity and wisdom,
you will overcome all dangers
in joyous and caring company.
__________________________________
A DHAMMAPADA for CONTEMPLATION
http://aruno.org//index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=241&Itemid=80

2009/11/17 Rubel Barua <rbar...@yahoo.com>

[Audrey Delaney]

John we make allowances for you all the time.... I even type slowly so you
can take in my posts with ease hehe.

Its Audrey by the way.. remember we have a photo shoot to set up with Sarah

-----Original Message-----
From: John Cox [mailto:johnc...@ymail.com]
Sent: 17 November 2009 19:52
To: friends-of-tham...@googlegroups.com
Subject: Re: [FOTM:2499] ragin here...

[bill bloomer]

dead set ,  from one drama major to another lemme  say that one character defect can cure another my SLOTH  genes have allowed me to now lazily enjoy other peoples drama........ safely distant where i can delete         and fancy myself cool  fake it till ya make it and as for Dhamma....well it is said that kindness is the best revenge, i now  feign benevolence and speak of recovery, thus stealing the limelights from ANYONE threatening to drown me out. thnx for SUBMITTING to Fans of Phra Billywong chat room yep , I'm probably wrong itzallgood METTA AND CHUCKLES

--- On Tue, 11/17/09, John Cox <johnc...@ymail.com> wrote:

From: John Cox <johnc...@ymail.com> Subject: Re: [FOTM:2498] ragin here... To: "friends-of-tham...@googlegroups.com" <friends-of-tham...@googlegroups.com>

[bill bloomer]

errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..........rage squared

--- On Tue, 11/17/09, John Cox <johnc...@ymail.com> wrote:

From: John Cox <johnc...@ymail.com> Subject: Re: [FOTM:2499] ragin here... To: "friends-of-tham...@googlegroups.com" <friends-of-tham...@googlegroups.com> Date: Tuesday, November 17, 2009, 11:51 AM

[John Cox]

Hahaha blah blah blah ya cheeky minx lol all I'm saying is bring your macro lens!!!
Cozy

Sent from my iPod

On 18/11/2009, at 9:23, "Audrey Delaney" <audrey...@eircom.net> wrote:

John we make allowances for you all the time.... I even type slowly so you
can take in my posts with ease hehe.

Its Audrey by the way.. remember we have a photo shoot to set up with Sarah

-----Original Message-----
From: John Cox [mailto:johnc...@ymail.com]
Sent: 17 November 2009 19:52
To: friends-of-tham...@googlegroups.com