Stan Collymore talk
Tipster
Stan Collymore
Small Talk grabbed ten minutes with the articulate dogger before his
trip to Dublin and struggled to get in a word in edgeways as he waxes
lyrical on depression, transvestites and his burgeoning acting career.
Rob Smyth
Thursday November 4, 2004
Stan: likes talking. And swearing.
Morning Stanley, how's it going?
Yeah good thanks, how are you?
Fine. Now: what's going on career-wise?
I'm off to LA over the next couple of weeks to try and crack on with my
acting career: I've got some lessons with a well-respected acting coa-
[phone line goes muffled] Hello?
Stanley?
[laughs] I thought you'd hung up, got fuckin' bored of me already.
As if. The acting...
Yeah, it's something I'm serious about and I think I could do, and I
want to give it the best go I can.
Why acting and not football management?
Well, I almost did at Southend last year. Whether I would get the
opportunity anywhere else with the experiences I've had, I don't know.
I don't think football management has yet caught up with the corporate
development of the sport. You've still got the whole
we'll-go-and-win-this-together coaching mentality, and I think you need
more focus on the individual assets. The bloke at Marks & Spencer has
to do it: it's not rocket science. The two words that are always used
in football management are low-maintenance and high-maintenance. Your
low-maintenance bloke is the right-back who runs up and down each week
scratching his arse and never gives you any problems. The
high-maintenance are your Glenn Hoddles, your Stan Collymores, your
George Bests...
Your G8s...
Yeah. I don't accept that high-maintenance crap. I mean it's not like
these assets have never added anything to their football clubs. It's
too easy just to dismiss them. If people had to do a proper
man-management course as well as the Uefa coaching badge... I'm not
saying someone like John Gregory should sit down a sofa and talk about
my problems with me for two hours, but you need to be singing from the
same songsheet.
Is that why Martin O'Neill is so good?
Yeah. He's intuitive, he's a clever bloke, he's been to law school. He
got two people in - John Robertson and Steve Walford - who were
completely different to him but who complemented him perfectly. You've
got three I think: Martin O'Neill, Arsene Wenger and Sir Alex Ferguson,
who know how to manage individual assets. The rest [sighs].
What's the biggest misapprehension about depression
That it's not an illness. There's still this whole rubbish about: 'Oh
I've had a couple of bad days; I'm depressed'. That's missing the point
completely. That's like saying that a spot on your face means you've
got a blood clot. It's a bloody serious illness - the only one, as far
as I'm aware, that makes human beings want to take their own life.
Why do you think it's only been recognised in recent years?
I don't think it has...
Oh...
I think it's just 'cause it's been given a name. Depression isn't a new
thing - Winston Churchill, one of the greatest men this country has
produced, used to suffer from it quite badly. I've read up on this a
lot out of personal interest and a lot of the great artists experienced
it quite heavily. It's a bloody nasty disease.
What was the last album you bought? Radiohead? Nick Drake?
There were quite a few: Jay-Z, The Black Album; Public Image Ltd's
first album - there's a song on there I really like. And [waxes about
some jazzy number Small Talk has never heard of].
Eclectic stuff, Stanley
[laughs] Yeah, my tastes are like me - all over the place.
What's the weirdest fan mail you've had?
I got it a couple of days ago, actually. I've had all the usual:
knickers, used and unused. Some tranny called Queeny used to write me
letters and send me stuff as well.
Queeny?
[laughs] Yeah
Never tempted to scratch another notch on the old bedpost? They all
count, Stan
Er, no.
Anyway, this fan mail...
This woman wrote me a letter saying: it's 9.24pm or whatever and I'm on
page 33 of the book [Stan's new autobiography], then it was 'it's
6.34am and I'm on page 234'. I thought: 'Fuckin' 'ell'. And she was
telling me stuff like every time she makes love to her husband she
thinks of me.
Moving on, Kylie, Britney or Feltz?
[essays majestic, throaty growl, almost like a dog] Brrrrritney.
Favourite TV programme?
Have I Got News For You, Newsnight. [thinks] And Question Time.
What was the last film you saw?
Collateral, in the States.
It's out over here, Stan, no need for the travel-dropping. Any good?
Excellent - I'm big fan of Jamie Foxx. If he doesn't win an Oscar for
The Ray Charles Story, which isn't out here yet, then I'm a Dutchman.
How many times have you seen As Good As It Gets, Schtan
[laughs] Probably about 30. But it's still just as good every time I
watch it.
What would you put in Room 101?
Hypocrisy, The Sun newspaper ... and the Daily Mail.
What's the longest bender you've been on?
Just the usual: go out Saturday night, get home early Sunday morning -
I've never been one for those two- or three-day sessions.
Really?
Yeah. If I get mangled one night that's it.
Mangled?
Yeah. [laughs] I just can't do it to be honest.
What do you sing at karaoke?
Oh God, I try not to. Usually some Sinatra.
Tell us a joke
Why does a dog lick its balls?
Go on
Because it can... There's a salient point there.
Is there?
Ah, I've got another one.
Go on
Who is the only boxer to become champion and shit in the ring?
Go on
[Small Talk's tape starts squeaking, but the punchline is the one about
Crufts that you've surely heard].
What are you doing after this?
More interviews today - I've just pulled into Milton Keynes...
Nice
Ha, yeah. Few more interviews, then see the kids at the weekend and off
to LA soon after.
Any plans to get mangled in Dublin, Stan? Stan?
[Click, brrr]