统一面论
guan guofeng
统一面论
The more we learn about the world around us, the more we see that life and the universe were created in His image. From interconnected forces on the grandest of scales, down to matter's tiniest bits, we see His Noodliness in everything. To illustrate this, we have devised the following simple recipe.
Life
INGREDIENTS
Boiling water
Elementary particles made from "string"
Salt
越是了解我们周围的世界，我们越会明白生命和宇宙都是是按牠的形象创造的。大到最宏观的相互作用力，小到物质的最小单元，我们可以透过一切看到牠的面身。为了说明这一点，我们制订了以下简单的菜谱。
生命
成份
开水
由“弦”构成的基本粒子
盐
Before the Flying Spaghetti Monster made life, He had to first make the elementary particles that would eventually compose all matter as we know it.
This was a very complicated process, but we have developed a much simpler method, one that you can try at home. First, take a piece of subatomic "string," which naturally is just an incredibly small strand of wet spaghetti, so tiny that it cannot be seen by even the most powerful of microscopes.
Next, give the string a unique vibration. Now repeat, giving each new string a different vibration so as to create more unique particles. Congratulations! You have created particles of matter. Be sure to collect the particles into a secure vessel for later use.
在飞面神受创造生命以前，牠必须首先制造出最终能够组成我们所知的一切物质的基本粒子。
这是一个非常复杂的过程，但我们已经搞出了一种简单到您可以在家里进行尝试的方法。首先，取一节亚原子“弦”，即非常细小的一丝软面，小到即使用最牛逼的显微镜也看不着。
接下来，给弦一个独特的振动。重复进行，给每个弦以不同的震动，以便创造更多的独特粒子。恭喜！您已经创建出物质粒子了。一定要确保将这些粒子收集到一个安全的容器以供后续使用。
Now we are ready to make life. In order to re-create the steaming "primordial broth" that originally spawned life, you must first bring your water to a heavy boil. Salt liberally. Now add your elementary particles and wait about an hour.
When you begin to see small spiral components forming—they will resemble fusilli when they're ready—that means you're almost there. Remember not to drain the water! Now apply intense overhead heat for about an hour.
Continue boiling and applying intense overhead heat. Eventually, you will begin to see small "organisms" appearing in your broth. Give yourself a pat on the back: You've created life!
A careful review of the evidence shows clearly that life was generated from the simplest piece of pasta, and that all life has since radiated to more or less resemble His image. But the Spaghedeity didn't stop there.
In fact, science tells us that the universe itself is composed of nothing more than an enormous matrix of strings, vibrating to their own Noodly music, forming a single, unified, coherent framework of invisible spaghetti. In short , it's all one eternal bowl of pasta.
现在，我们可以开始创造生命了。为了重建最初产生生命的蒸汽“原汤”，你必须首先把水烧得滚开。随便撒些盐。倒入你的基本粒子，等上约一个钟头。
当你开始看到有小螺旋部件组成——煮好的时候它们看起来会类似螺旋粉——这意味着你已经差不多了。记住不要沥干水！开大火再催上一小时。
一直用大火煮。最后，你会在汤里看到小的“有机体”出现。好好的表扬一下自己吧：你创造出了生命！
仔细回顾这一迹象，很明显，生命是从最简单的面条生成的，所有生命形式都或多或少地显露出与牠形象的相似。但面神的神性不止于此。
事实上，科学告诉我们，宇宙本身不过是由一个巨大的弦阵构成，各自按照自己的面条乐谱振动着，形成了一个独特、统一的、协调的隐形意大利面条体系。总之，一切就是一碗永恒的面条。
More attentive readers will note that we've failed to address the image of man. While other religions make the claim that humans were created in God's image—and they are nearly correct in this assumption—they are guilty of using reverse logic to reach this conclusion. What they don't discern is that we were created in His ideal image: that of the Pirate. Since then we've only come to resemble other people's gods.
It is important that we return to the ways of the Pirate before it's too late. In fact, recent science suggests that our departure from the Pirate's way has led us toward a previously unforeseen end. As our brains and bodies grow in size, and as machines replace the need for physical strength and agility, we may find ourselves the victims of an ironic twist of Creation. If current trends persist, the day may come when people of the future actually do resemble His image. This illustration, which was created by a scientist, may help.
With this evidence in mind, we suggest that you get yourself an eye patch and become a Pastafarian before it's too late.
更细心的读者会注意到我们没有解决的人的形象问题。虽然其他宗教声称人类依上帝的形象创造——这个假设八九不离十——他们错在利用反向逻辑得出这一结论。他们没搞清楚的是，我们是按照牠心中的理想形象创造的：那就是海盗。自那以后，我们只能被类似成别人的神明。
重要的是，我们得趁早回归海盗之路。事实上，最近的科学表明，与海盗分道扬帆导致我们过早地走向一个无法预料的结局。由于我们的大脑和身体不断增长，而需要体力和灵活性的活都让给了机器，结果我们自己成了讽刺歪曲创造论的受害者。照这样下去，将来总有一天我们会变成牠那面样儿。
考虑到这个证据，我们建议你赶紧戴个眼罩，皈依飞面神教，免得将来后悔莫及。