(i apologize for the small font - it was "12" in MS Word but somehow shrunk when I pasted it here - I'll look at gmail again and see if I can figure out how to change it)
Hi folks:
There’s been quite a bit on philosophy on this list recently. I thought I’d
mention something relevant to practice.
First a personal note – I think most of you are aware that Jan and I have been
students of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother for most of our adult lives. However, not having a living teacher,
we have occasionally studied with others – from the Sufi, Tibetan Buddhist and
other traditions. The last 7 years
we studied with a yoga-vedanta teacher, Roy Eugene Davis. We have especially
enjoyed the fact that he had started a center here in Asheville in 2010. Well, the center has not been financially
viable and closed last week.
Thought still very much connected to Roy, we continue to feel that it’s beneficial to have regular contact with a teacher. With that in mind, I happened upon “Windhorse Zen”, where there is a husband and wife team who studied with Philip Kapleau for several decades. We both like them very much and have been surprised to find how much we like the discipline of the zendo (it doesn’t hurt that they have spectacular mountain views – almost a 270 degree view! – at the center, about 30 minutes northwest of Asheville.
Last night I had “dokusan” – private interview with the teacher – for the first time. Of course, what actually transpires in the interview is supposed to remain private. But I thought it would be interesting to share an issue I’ve noticed in recent months – something I imagine, from letters I’ve read, everybody here has experienced. I thought of writing as I just came across a passage from FMW that expresses beautifully what I was talking about. But first I’ll try to put it in my own words.
Last month, at a 4 day retreat at Roy’s (in Georgia), I was sitting in the meditation hall and thoughts were unusually quiescent. In this quiet space, I became aware of an extremely subtle “effort/resistance” which I had long been aware of, but never in such a subtle manner. One aspect of it was the feeling – entirely non-verbal – that now that it is still and quiet – no thoughts – there is still something that “I” must do in order to “go deeper.” Letting go of that, I then became aware of a subtle resistance, born of fear – the fear of dissolution. Allowing that simply to be, the words came to mind, “Trust the aspiration of the heart.” The roshi (teacher) said essentially the same thing last night.
This morning, when I came across this passage, it resonated quite deeply with my exploration of this resistance to letting go of all “personal” effort.
***** (from FMW)
"Again and again I found the statement that, if a man would attain the transcendent realization, he must renounce all, and not merely part, of what he personally is. I did not find this an easy step to consummate. For years I resisted it, offering part of myself, yet holding back a certain reserve. During all this time, I realized only imperfect and unsatisfactory results, and often regretted the experiment. But it was not long before I found that I had gone too far to turn back. I had realized enough to render forever barren the old pastures, and yet not enough to know either peace or satisfaction. For some years, I rested in this position of indecision, without achieving much visible progress. Yet meanwhile, as time rolled on, progressive exhaustion of the world-desire developed, while concomitantly there grew a greater willingness to abandon all that had been reserved and so complete the experiment.”
- Franklin Merrell-Wolff. from “A Mystical Unfoldment” in Experience and Philosophy. 1994. p. 253
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The tangible 'universe' is the total of the objects of perception, and they are all perceived within this Awareness. One of these objects is this body called 'me' and 'mine'. Just who is this 'me'? This body is no more than any other object of perception within Infinite Awareness, yet the claim is that this particular body called 'me' contains Awareness within it. Is this not what mankind believes? “I am aware,” he says. “I have a mind of my own that is aware. This is my awareness and I want it to show me abundant dollars, happiness, or something else.”
This 'me' who contains awareness is an impossible impostor and a liar from the beginning. It is no more possible to imprison the Divine Awareness of Infinite Being and confine it within an object of its perception than it is possible to confine the alphabet to the letter A or jam the infinity of arithmetic into one number. All there is to 'mankind', to the old man who needs to be put off, is the belief that this Awareness here and now reading these words is confined within a body—that is beholden to a body—that it is the servant of a body—that it is the function of the body's brain or a personal mind.
To accept such a state of affairs as fact is the cause of mankind's troubles. It is like attempting to look at Infinity through a knot-hole, like looking at the infinity of arithmetic through a single number called 'me'. To accept such a state of affairs as fact would seemingly reverse Reality; it makes a multiplicity of singleness and brings space and time into being with beginning, end, birth, death and duality ad infinitum.
Suppose the infinity of arithmetic could be confined within one number, say the number 7. Suddenly number 7 says, “I am aware. I am alive. I have a mind of my own. I am 'here', located in a 'place' that follows number 6 and precedes number 8. Rank, sequence, beginning and end are established. I look about me, outside and around me, and see an infinite universe. To all appearances, since I consider myself only a number, I am just one of countless numbers. Some are greater than I and some are less than I. Limited in space, I am finite and measurable. All I see is likewise measurable, limited and finite with a beginning and end. But I see magnificent order in my universe
2+2=Reality By William Samuel Page 10
and that is what I call God. God certainly seems 'out there' and far from me way down here. Since I am just this one number, limited in time and space, I am separate and apart from all I see. I am here and 'things' are there, a measurable distance away, and I am always stuck to 'here' and 'now'. I 'need' this or that to help me sustain my place in existence or to go here and there. I am incomplete. I am 'more' or 'less' than that. This is 'good'. That is 'bad'. I'm really quite miserable and wish God would do something about it.”
Well now, isn't this ridiculous? The principle of arithmetic cannot be stuffed into a number. The number is 'in' the principle. The number has no mind of its own and only the principle is being anything at all. There is no beginning or end to any of the numerals because a beginingless and endless principle is continually being ALL it is, including an infinity of perfect numbers.
Just as the confined or limited view of arithmetic is a distortion, exactly so the confined and limited view of Reality is a distortion. Just as it is impossible to put the principle of arithmetic into a single number (or into all of them together), it is not actually possible to confine this alone Awareness to a single finite body. The view of the universe via a possessed, imprisoned Awareness is called the 'human experience' and it is fraught with endless perplexities. To end the perplexities, one stops believing himself a separate ego who is aware. One identifies as AWARENESS ITSELF. This one will discover himself unconfined, uncontaminated, unfettered and free. This one will discover that the only Awareness going on is God's Awareness of being all God is.